Underbelly, A Tale Of Two Cities - Episode 5

Recapped By Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, Who Isn’t Allowed To Go To L.A. And Marry Zac Efron Because Her Mum Is A Bitch.

This week is mostly about Kiwis and drugs and jail, with special guest boobs. Everyone’s tired all the time except for Matthew Newton, who looks like he’s had about four Red Bulls. He should really look into blinking.

Matthew Newton tells his drug couriers that his dad used to sell pies and make peanuts, which seems like a weird combination of jobs, and really hard.

Alison’s ex-boyfriend Wayne gets caught at the airport with a gun, and he dobs on Matthew Newton, so Matthew Newton takes him out to the bush for a game of cricket. Wayne doesn’t want to take his turn, so he says he has to go to the toilet, which is what boys do when they don’t want to do sport because they can’t say they’ve got their period. Matthew Newton gets all cross that Wayne won’t play, and bashes him with the bat until all his bones are broken. Bad light stops play, so they go home except they forget Wayne.

Doug and Uzzy Wilson are some couriers too, and it’s another case of hot girl going out with fugly guy – she has great hair and good shorts, but he has a gay moustache and fifteen hundred thousand mank shirts. Maybe he’s got Wii, I don’t know. Anyway they’re both in rehab for addiction to lollies, but Matthew Newton and Alison smuggle some in.

Bob Trimboli keeps buying cassettes from The Police, probably because he doesn’t have iTunes.

Matthew Newton, the Wilsons, and Scottish Napoleon Dynamite go to Queensland, but they get arrested for impersonating old politicians, having drugs and guns, and keeping the ugliest dog in the world in a hotel room. Doug dobs on Matthew Newton, so he and Uzzy are set free, but Matthew Newton has to go back to New Zealand. He has a Hot Bitch Lawyer who helps him go free, and he calls Alison who says “You got off! I can’t believe it!”, and I’m all really? Because you’ve been having sex with him for like, four weeks, it was going to happen eventually hahaha!

While Matthew Newton is in jail, Alison runs the icing sugar business back in Sydney, and recruits some new young girl couriers by pretending she’s a lesbian, which can only mean more boobs I reckon.

Doug told the police where some bodies that Matthew Newton killed were, and then calls him a huck, and then goes home. He doesn’t have a Wii after all, so he just plays Guitar Hero on a tennis racquet.

Matthew Newton sends Doug and Uzzy to Melbourne so they can go to a motel and get shot. The hit-man from ages ago dumps their bodies and it’s sort of cute because they’re kind of spooning in their shallow bloody grave. I didn’t see the fugly dog there, but I hope he killed it too.

Alison tries on some lingerie while Matthew Newton has sex with Hot Bitch Lawyer, only they try to make it look like he’s having sex with Alison right up until the last minute so it’s a surprise. Matthew Newton accidentally spills his champagne and that’s the end.

Next week there’s less Kiwis because most of them are dead now, but more old people. Matthew Newton expands internationally, so I guess he should stop eating so much Chinese food, or maybe that’s why they call him Mr Asia hahahaha! Shut up.

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