Underbelly, A Tale Of Two Cities - Episode Six

Recapped By Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, Who Thinks She Should Have the Day Off School Because Her Hair Straightener Is Broken.

Even the dogs have stupid fugly hair on this show. It’s like nobody had mirrors or smoothing serum in the Seventies.

Anyway, when he was killing Doug and Uzzy, Fred the Hitman didn’t do a lot of things. He didn’t bury them deep enough. He didn’t put them through a meat grinder. He didn’t leave the car at the airport. Most of all, he didn’t kill the dog, and didn’t make sure his own poodle didn’t look like a frizzy minger. I think Fred the Hitman might be gay, because he carries a handbag.

Matthew Newton wakes up with a jerk, but it’s just Alison. He drives her out into the sticks and she thinks he wants to kill her because he doesn’t like her in floral, but it turns out he’s got a buried stash of icing sugar and he wants her to know where it is. I say draw a map, save some petrol, but whatever. Alison is really relieved and Matthew Newton pashes her right there in the bush.

Bob Trimboli has to wee a lot in this episode and he sees the doctor about it, but I don’t think the doctor is very good, because he smokes and examines Bob from the wrong side. Doctor BumFinger sets up a drug deal between Bob and a guy with a bad panel van called Michael Hurley, but the fugly cops and Dieter Brummer find the drugs and arrest him. If the panel van had been rocking, he might have been okay.

Matthew Newton wants to only sell drugs in Asia now so that his nickname makes more sense, so he offers Bob Trimboli the Australian part of his business. It’s sort of a franchise like Avon, because they knock on your door and sell you powder you could totally get at half the price overseas.

Matthew Newton has Alison for lunch and knocks her oranges off the table. They have six. There’s a knock on the door, and it’s Bob Trimboli but he’s not selling Avon hahaha! He’s just there to tell Alison that he’s her boss now, and to use the toilet.

Bob, Michael Hurley and Doctor BumFinger don’t get in trouble for the panel van drugs because they have a crooked judge with man-boobs who used to be a policeman at Mount Thomas. People don’t really trust his judgement and I don’t blame them because he seems to think it was the right thing to do to wear a tracksuit.

Matthew Newton meets Scottish Napoleon Dynamite in a bar in Singapore and decides to stay there for good because there’s just as many places to get a drink with nude ladies in the background. Alison finds out and multi-tasks by both making drugs and crying salty tears of regret.

Axl Whitehead goes running with his dog and finds Doug and Uzzy’s spooning corpses. Lady Gaga is there, but she quits her job so she can join the Commonwealth Hot Squad which only lets in good-looking cops by luring them with roast beef sandwiches.

Bob Trimboli asks the Griffith Mafia if they want to buy the Australian side of Matthew Newton’s business and shows them a sample of the drugs, which must be strong because everyone’s so high they see fifty dollar notes flying around in the air.

Next week some people go to London, some people go to jail, and I’m guessing Bob Trimboli goes to the toilet.

Just as long as there's no more dogs.

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