Underbelly, A Tale Of Two Cities - Episode Seven

Recapped By Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, Who Thinks Her Dad Would Buy Her Blahniks If He Really Loved Her.

OMG. I can’t believe they finally gave Dieter Brummer a line. For the last eight million episodes, he’s all like “I’m here, I’m in a fugly shirt, I’ve got a little porn moustache, I’m playing your dark brown seventies game – why do you just get me to stand around making concerned faces? I have a voice! I WAS ON HOME AND AWAY!!”. But more of that later.

Alison reminisces about her time with Matthew Newton. She thinks there might be a tiny problem with their relationship, which she hopes to work out once he’s back from London where he’s living with his girlfriend and son and wanking over photos of his Hot Bitch Lawyer. All Alison has left in Sydney is a big house, a thriving drug business, a crew of lesbian couriers and a boss who farts in her Grotty Capri whenever she pulls his finger. She goes shopping, goes dancing, and shows Kay how big Little Mr Asia is.

Freeman helps one of his friends by minding his girlfriend for him so her stepfather doesn’t beat her up. Freeman tries get her into bed by offering her some money, but she’s not a prostitute, so she just has sex with him for chocolate. Afterwards she asks him if he wants her to do anything special, and he says ‘maybe later’. Maybe she wants to give him some chocolate, I dunno.

The Hot Cop Squad go to Sydney to investigate some other uglier, more corrupt cops, and the Fugly Squad decide they need to shut down some of Freeman’s casinos so they look more honest. Dieter Brummer is there but he doesn’t say anything.

Two of the Fugly Squad play golf with Freeman to tell him that they’ll be shutting down some of his casinos, and they lose money by playing golf badly – a bit like how some of the girls at school lose boyfriends by dressing badly. See? I’m totally starting to understand this organised crime stuff hahahaha! Dieter Brummer is there but he doesn’t say anything.

One of the lesbian couriers gets caught at the airport, so Bob Trimboli sends Alison and Kay home to do the washing up. They flush all the icing sugar just in time for the Fugly Squad to come knocking on the door, including a guy called Smith who totally needs some volumising hair clay and probably a breath mint. He’s cross that he can’t find any drugs in the house, even thought it was obvious that someone was high when they picked the furniture. He tells Alison that the parents of drug addicts would want to spit in her face, but then he goes off on some tangent about wanting a sex change or something, and tells her he needs a big bust. This freaks Alison out. I don’t blame her.

In a nudie bar, Freeman talks to some of the Fugly Squad including Dieter Brummer. Dieter stays quiet until Freeman tells him he owes him fifteen hundred dollars for playing bad golf, and then Dieter says “That’s four weeks’ pay!”, and I’m all like wow. Dude. Even Muffin Break pays better than that.

Matthew Newton tries to call Alison but she just sits there with her hands over her ears, trying to get the image of Detective Smith’s big bust out of her head. Matthew Newton’s girlfriend tells him that she’s sick of living in the entrance hall of a museum, and that she’s going back to New Zealand. He calls her sneaky butch and threatens to kill her and stares at her a lot.

Bob Trimboli is cross with Freeman for fixing a horse race. The Fugly Squad are cross with Freeman for fixing a horse race. The guy I sort of mentioned before is cross with Freeman for banging his girlfriend after she banged his gun. Dieter Brummer is cross with Freeman because he lost a coin flipping game with him. I’m cross with Freeman for wearing white suits and gold chains, which is totally fair enough I reckon. One of us hires someone to shoot him in the head, bleed all over his suit and go for a walk in the garden.

Matthew Newton puts on some sunglasses like he’s Horatio Caine, and then pashes his Hot Bitch Lawyer like he’s not.

Next week, Alison gets arrested, somebody gets a plastic bag over their head, and nobody puts a paper bag over Merrick’s head, which is obviously a shame.

I'll see you later. I have to go bleach stuff.