Underbelly, A Tale Of Two Cities - Episode 8

Recapped By Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, Who Isn’t Reading The Twilight Series Because Vampires Don’t Believe In Self-Tanning.

Alison’s getting killed. No she isn’t. Yes she is. No she isn’t. Let’s all have a cry.

That’s the short version hahahahaha! The longer version just has more swearwords, luggage and boobs in it.

The supply of drugs from Asia is becoming more erratic (like erratic fiction, or that old song by Madonna), because Merrick Watts is mixing his icing sugar with lower quality sugar or something. I don’t really get drugs. I’m high on life and accessories.

Bob Trimboli and Alison go to visit Matthew Newton in the museum he lives in in London. Alison spends most of her time at the Crying In The Bathroom exhibit. Matthew Newton tells Bob that he wants both Lesbian Courier Kay and Alison killed, but Bob doesn’t want to kill Alison, maybe because he thinks Rangas are an endangered species, but he should take a look at my General Studies class because it’s like a freckle bomb went off in there LOL! Anyway, Alison comes out of the loo and then panics and goes back in, and Bob says it must be that time of the month. I dunno – is there a time of the month when people get scared they’re going to be murdered and chopped up?

Hot Bitch Lawyer is like, living with Matthew Newton now, and he pashes her right in front of Alison and then sends her shopping. She comes back later all mad because he brushed her, but he’s sitting in the dark smoking a cigarette watching home movies of his son and crying. Stupid Hot Bitch Lawyer stands in front of the screen and takes her clothes off, because everybody wants to see videos of their son superimposed onto their girlfriend’s boobs. Matthew Newton cries into her cleavage, and she says “I love you”, and I’m all like if you love him, get out of the way of the video, you dumb slag.

George Freeman has a bandage around his head from when he got shot, and everyone comes to visit him and bring him presents, including a couple of members of the Fugly Squad plus Dieter Brummer, who’s now as chatty as all anything. The police commissioner sends a stripper dressed as a policewoman, and she’s all nude and rubbing up against him, and he goes “Watch the wound, love”, and I go “Everybody is!”, but I don’t think mum got it.

Bob Trimboli askes The Mumbler Chris Flannery to kill Alison and pays him a deposit, so he goes to her house with a fern and a shovel. The Fugly Squad turn up just in time, and search her house and plant some drugs in her mank fur coat. It’s like a thousand manks died just so she could be warm and arrested.

Matthew Newton asks Scottish Napoleon Dynamite to kill Merrick Watts because of the bad sugar and most probably because of the whole socks-with-sandals thing. The script makes Matthew Newton say the word “intercontinental” with a Kiwi accent, which makes me fall in love with it a bit. They meet Merrick in a nudie bar, and Merrick says he’s picking up some very aggressive vibrations, but I think he’s just standing too close to the pole. Scottish Napoleon Dynamite drives Merrick out into some trees and Merrick gets out to do a wee and get shot in the head. A nation of radio listeners cheers.

Bob Trimboli gives Alison a fake passport and tells her she should leave the country so she doesn’t get killed, right before The Mumbler turns up and threatens Bob with a soup ladle. A fern and then a ladle. Dude needs to buy a gun or something.

Hot Bitch Lawyer wins a bunch of money at a casino, so Matthew Newton asks her to marry him. She says yes even though she can see his gross hairy chest because she’s drunk or something, and then she cries, because she’s just agreed to marry Matthew Newton. It’s pretty confusing.

George Freeman finds out who shoots him, and it’s the stepfather of the girl that Freeman had sex with last week. The Stepfather complains to a prostitute about how short the head job she gave him is, which I think is unfair because I reckon that’s at least partly his fault. Anyway he has another sort of head job to worry about hahahaha! Because he gets shot. In the head. Shut up, that’s funny.

It looks like next week Matthew Newton gets arrested, Alison’s hair gets really big, and there are lots of pictures of Bob Trimboli’s face. I’ll see you then – I’ve got homework to do. Ha! Kidding.

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