Have you ever prised some fluff out of your belly-button, peeled a pore-strip off your nose, or gouged disturbing smears of gunk out of your ears with a cotton bud? It’s nasty, but you can’t look away. You don’t want anybody else to know you do it, even though you’re sure they do as well. And the longer you go without doing it, the juicier, dirtier, and more satisfying it is.
On April 28th, after what seems like a lifetime, Australia’s Next Top Model returns to our screens. This show is the discoloured ear-wax of our lives, and I’ve never been happier to be a piece of absorbent cotton-on-a-stick. Or take a metaphor to its revolting limit. Mmmmm. Ears. Sarah Murdoch as the new host can only mean one thing – I won’t have a speech impediment to pick on this year. Damn.
As usual, I’ve been checking out this year’s bunch of modules in the Foxtel magazine and on the show’s website , only this year there seems to be less information available than ever before about each scraggy specimen.
Which pretty much means I just get to make more stuff up. Below are my customary fabricated predictions, based on nothing more than first impressions and, according to some comments on the equivalent post a while ago, a giant chip on my shoulder and a fat, lazy arse. If you’ve arrived here after Googling yourself, feel free to leave a comment telling me how wrong my predictions are. Sound out each word slowly, and ask a grown-up for help.
Laura Mitchell – 20 – WA
Good Stuff: Lined up twice for femurs. Ridiculously perfect face.
Bad Stuff: Doesn’t look like the top floor is occupied, kna mean? Has emotional dial permanently set to ‘haughty’.
Prediction: Will have all the range of a stale doughnut, and think any criticism is really just a compliment.
Clare Vanema – 16 – SA
Good Stuff: Porcelain skin. Flowing locks. Chin-dimple.
Bad Stuff: All the sexiness of a paper plate. Always looks like she’s just forgotten something. Surname sounds like a body-part that can only be seen with a hand-mirror.
Prediction: Quiet at first, only coming out of her shell at the sign of the first food-fight. Doesn’t like anyone touching her things.
Georgie Kidman – 16 – VIC
Good Stuff: Doesn’t look 16, and has a bit of a raw, rock edge to her.
Bad Stuff: Mouth hangs open. Has the same surname as Keith Urban’s husband.
Prediction: Normal, down-to-earth girl who swears like a brickie and talks about periods.
Cassi Van Den Dungen – 16 – VIC
Good Stuff: Completely adorable. Could model bunny wabbits and doggie-wogs.
Bad Stuff: Has the word “dung” in her otherwise-fun-to-say name.
Prediction: Makes it to the top three. Draws unicorns in the margins of her portfolio.
Leah Johnson – 18 – VIC
Good Stuff: Big bedroom eyes that can probably undo zippers from 20 feet. Long, thick hair that has probably been stuck in zippers before.
Bad Stuff: Has mouth frozen in ‘cat’s bum’ formation.
Prediction: Sneaks out at night to drink scotch, smoke Camels, and dance the Tango.
Adele Theil – 18 – NSW
Good Stuff: Bloody nice hair. Legs and arms forever.
Bad Stuff: There’s something going on where her nose meets her forehead. I might get used to it. I might not.
Prediction: Sneers at the faintest suggestion of man-made fabrics. Sits alone in a corner, sipping derisively on hot water with lemon.
Madison Wall – 17 – QLD
Good Stuff: Eyes like a cross between a hot tiger and another, hotter tiger.
Bad Stuff: More like your pretty girl down the beach than a model. Possibly harbouring a small marine eco-system in her hair.
Prediction: Won’t be able to follow direction in photo-shoots because she’s dreaming of the ocean. Devastated by her make-over.
Good Stuff: Has a surname sent to me by the gods. Illegally high cheekbones. Could make toilet paper look sexy.
Bad Stuff: Looks like she’s sucking steak through a straw.
Prediction: Won’t make it past week three because she can’t turn off porn-face.
Lola Van Vorst - 20 - NSW
Good Stuff: Outrageously symmetrical. Smokin’ hair. Tall-ta-ta-tall tall. Hot-ha-ha-hot-hot.
Bad Stuff: Mean mouth and no neck. Looks like she’s defending herself against an all-chin attack.
Prediction: Has trouble keeping the Crying Little Girl Inside inside. Leaves to become a surgeon.
Eloise Hoile – 20 – SA
Good Stuff: Best and longest legs in entire world. Looks like Bundchen. Tall, like a giraffe.
Bad Stuff: Face. Like a giraffe. Something just whispers ruminant, is all.
Prediction: Loud and bossy, but doesn’t do well in shoots until it’s swimsuit time. At which point she will Kick. Arse.
Tahnee Atkinson – 16 – WA
Good Stuff: Sweet, sweet face and what looks like incredible hair.
Bad Stuff: I’ve already seen too much of her teeth. Put them away.
Prediction: Needs simple concepts like breathing explained slowly to her, with the help of diagrams and puppets.
Franky Okpara = 18 – WA
Good Stuff: Shut up with that body and skin.
Bad Stuff: Looks hard as nails. Is daring you to photograph her.
Prediction: Mean. Rolls eyes a lot. Stabs finger in other people’s chests to prove point a lot. Scares me a lot.
Laura Tyrie – 18 – WA
Good Stuff: Fah-reakin’ gorgeous.
Bad Stuff: Little bit short. Also… um… might conjugate some verbs incorrectly? Dunno.
Prediction: Winner. New best friend.
So there you have it. I hope you come along for the ride with me this year – I’ve got ten months’ worth of bottled up bitchy and a very flimsy cork. Get a glass. End metaphor. Wheeeee!