Underbelly, A Tale Of Two Cities - Episode 4

Recapped By Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, In Between A Maths Class And An Intensive Cuticle-Reduction Session.

This show is getting really hard to follow, so I figured if you’re as confused as I am, which is even more confused than the Jonas Brothers are, it’s probably time I got you all caught up with the characters. Any I’ve left out probably don’t matter, and the actors probably just knew the director or something.

Matthew Newton
AKA Tirry, AKA Mr Asia, AKA Big-Head-Bluey-Starey-Eyes. Has lots of sex with Alison because she’s clever, and looks at people a lot. Has just worked out how to smuggle icing sugar in suitcases, and gets cross when he’s invited to dinner but dinner’s not ready yet.

Alison
Alison is a person attached to some boobs and some pretty good hair. She goes overseas a lot for a kindy teacher.

Robert Trimboli
Trimboli gives out sandwiches and passports, and likes to gamble. He also likes to have dinner with policemen at fugly restaurants called the Capri something, and gets people arrested at the airport. He’s sort of like a friendly old uncle who imports heroin and has people killed and stuff.

Brian Kane
Kane is angry because he has a bad porn moustache, and because his brother got shot, and because he can’t get anybody to kill the guy who killed his brother. He tries to hide his bad moustache with an even worse beard, and shoots Ray Chuck right in the courthouse.

Sally Fletcher
Sally was married to Les Kane before he got shot, and now she sees all her memories backwards in slow motion. She mostly just looks wistful and cries, I think because she still hasn’t got around to changing her mank wallpaper because she’s been too busy mopping blood off the floor. She needs to get her priorities right hahaha!

Ray Chuck And The Chucky Uggers
Ray and the Uggers go to jail for shooting Les Kane, but because they did such a good job of chopping him up or whatever, they get set free and play soccer. Except Ray gets arrested again for stealing, and makes friends with Chopper Read and then gets shot.

The Mumbler
The Mumbler is a guy called Chris Flannery, and I can’t understand a single effing word he says. His hobbies are taking credit for killing people he didn’t, watching girls kiss, and saying ‘fuck’ in the nude.

The Couriers
The Couriers smuggle icing sugar for Matthew Newton, and there’s a guy, a girl, and Wayne, who is Alison’s ex-boyfriend. Their dinner parties aren’t very good, because they fall asleep and shit on the stairs.

Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga is a police lady who isn’t very good at her job but is quite good at looking worried. She lets her kid hang out in the police station but doesn’t catch Brian Kane because she can’t run in hot boots.

Chopper Read
Eric Bana has totally let himself go.

Freeman
This guy has white hair and a casino, and needs a good exfoliant.

Cute Cops
Cute cops aren’t corrupt, but they sort of find it hard to get anything done.

Fugly Cops
Fugly cops are corrupt, and have heaps of time for gambling and eating dinner and sandwiches.

Boobs
These are like, the stars of the show.

New Guy
New Guy walks over the top of a police car.

That’s everybody nearly, except for the baby and the poodle.
You’re welcome.

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