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Thursday, February 22, 2007

Ready... Set... SCRAG!

There's a whiff of bitchiness and menthol cigarettes in the air, which can only mean that Series Three of Australia's Next Top Westie Scrag is almost upon us, with the first episode screening on March 27th. I gotta tell you – I'm excited.

So excited, in fact, that I've been to visit the modules at http://www.fox8.tv/antm/, and I have not been disappointed. There are some stupid names coined by no-doubt illiterate and drug-addled parents, other names straight out of unscreened-episodes of Dynasty, vacant stares, bad hair, slutty poses, bizarrely common aversions to feet, and nary a brain cell in the offing. I'm venturing far enough to predict the repeated use of the word "fuck" this season. From them and me.

And now to introduce you to the girls, one of whom will be (if previous series are anything to go by) appearing in mail-order catalogues for frumpy moles mere months after winning:

Anika Salerno, 20.
Lowdown: Country girl who helps manage the "family business" – has country accent (read: speaks like she's just necked a Quaalude)
Quote: "Enjoy today because tomorrow is going to be better"
Reminds Me Of: Girls who used to get shitfaced on bag-wine outside the youth centre dance
Prediction: Will be the sweet, clueless one with a taste for Bundy rum and the IQ of a bowl of chickpeas

Danica Brown, 16.
Lowdown: In year 11, has foot phobia
Quote: "Succeed in whatever it is that makes you happy"
Reminds Me Of: A cross between Lindsay Lohan and a stuck-up whippet
Prediction: Chain-smoker with a speech impediment

Cassandra Hughes, 18.
Lowdown: Apprentice baker, worried about her childhood scars, names Jessica Simpson as herhero.
Quote: "Don't talk about it, do it"
Reminds Me Of: A more irritating Mischa Barton, which is a bit like trying to find a blacker piece of coal
Prediction: Childhood scars = Slutty McSlut from Skankenburg.

Cobi March, 17
Lowdown: Still at school, brother acts on Neighbours, loves Hanson, hates freaky dolls and feet
Quote: "If you're going to do something, do it well"
Reminds Me Of: Charlize Theron, if she ironed her face andnever plucked her eyebrows Prediction: Series Three Psycho Nutjob. Come on – loves Hanson?!

Jordan Lukas, 17
Lowdown: Hates people that are like her, looks like she's secured all her skull-skin with a bulldog-clip at the back of her head
Quote: "Whatever"
Reminds Me Of: Liv Tyler, sprinkled with bits of Jocelyn Wildenstein
Prediction: Bee. Yarch.

Sophie Wittingslow, 19
Lowdown: Stupid, toffee-nosed name, is fond of her lower back.
Quote: "Live in the moment"
Reminds Me Of: Model Carmen Kass
Prediction: Could win the bloody thing, if she learns to pose less like she's trying to get her armpits dry

Alice Burdeu, 18
Lowdown: Training in customer service with Telstra, never had a boyfriend
Quote: "Let's go get coffee and talk about it"
Reminds Me Of: A semi-inflated sex doll
Prediction: Scraaaaaag. All spray-on jeans and infected piercings.

Jaimi Smith, 18
Lowdown
: Does up V8 cars, hates brooms and feet
Quote: "Take it easy. It only gets better"
Reminds Me Of: Girls that win wet-t-shirt competitions, but not spelling bees
Prediction: Loveable, stupid westie with a heart of gold

Paloma Rodriguez, 17
Lowdown: Lives with pro soccer player, hates birds
Quote: "I'ts better to be looked over than overlooked"
Reminds Me Of: Mental Spanish women who shriek "Ayayayayayay!!!"
Prediction: Will lord it over the other scrags like a hoity Latin princess

Jane Williamson, 19
Lowdown: Gay, works as a nanny, wants to be criminal psychologist
Quote: "Keep your friends close"
Reminds Me Of: Ella Hooper standing on a couple of phonebooks
Prediction: Smart, gay, articulate, with a normal name – won't make it past episode three

Stephanie Flockhart, 16
Lowdown
: Works in retail/waitressing, hates her small boobs
Quote: "Go hard or go home"
Reminds Me Of: A fatter, shorter Olsen twin
Prediction: Cutesy, clueless, and more annoying than a swarm of hornets humming "My Heart Will Go On".

This season is hosted by Jodhi Meares, a fact that strikes me as desperately uninteresting.
The modules, though, look like the scraggiest yet. Bring it on, youse.

24 comments:

shellity said...

Please be careful what you say about childhood scars and sluttiness. I mean, I've got some childhood scars and... oh. I see what you mean.

Anonymous said...

After reading your pathetic page, I felt obliged to leave you a message, you jealous and spiteful freak.
Don't you have anything better to do with your time than attack these young girls for no reason except your envy? You are really scraping the barrel with the name insults!!
Anyone that feels inclined to write up a piece like you have, is obviously DESPERATELY UNHAPPY, even if you think otherwise.
Congratulations to these girls for giving it a go and getting as far as they have, instead of sitting in a dark room, staring at a computer screen all day long...

shellity said...

I agree. Leave those girls alone. They want to be models, so there's no chance they'll attract any bitchy criticism in the next few months. You certainly do sound DESPERATELY UNHAPPY IN CAPITALS. I don't see any evidence of a sense of humour here at all. I'm sure that the tongue in your cheek is planted there simply to stop yourself from sobbing. You poor thing. But please, please keep up your pathetic page (if you can find the time in between jogging, work, yoga and an insane social life), because I love it.

PS. Congratulations on your first bona-fide anonymous-coward controversial comment!

Jo said...

Yes, anonymous. I'm desperately unhappy and jealous.
I can't believe you could see through my facade.
I'm surprised I even have the guts to put my name to what I write.

Anonymous said...

You two really are so very tough for providing your first names on this webpage.
And to you, Shellity (how does that name rate up Jo!?) the reason I chose the anonymous box is because I have no blogger username. I only responded to this as it was having a go at somebody I know. My name is Alice and despite what you may think i'm not frightened of letting you know. So there's that swipe down the drain. What else have you got?

Jo said...

Wow. Get a sense of humour, pet. Seriously.

nick cetacean said...

Jeez, I wish I got comments like that.

Hey, anonymous, surf on over to my pad and be offended.

Because I hate blacks, jews, asians and puppies.

(Actually I have had an anonymous-hata comment -- someone took me to taks for my "policy" on Japanese whaling.)

adventure boy said...

Jo, perfect spot-on post! I love it, and all other things on your page. That model competition is clearly one of the lamest things I've ever seen and your observation about the names is genuinely funny. And all those models look exactly the same, how weird is that?

Anonymous lurkers are dickless and spineless halfwits. The fact that they can't even provide a name, or even invent a fake one, not to mention that they would never have the guts to refer to a blog of their own, only goes to show they've already lost the fight. Actually the Reverend Robbie comes to mind:

First they ignore you, they laugh at you and hate you.
Then they fight you, then you win.

LondonGirl had a similar encounter the other day with an idiot called Nathan. Maybe there's an outbreak of idiocy on the planet?

Apologies for the harsh tone, friends. Keep up the good work Jo.

Jo said...

Thanks, ab!
I'm actually quite smirkishly proud of my first random whinge comment. I wear it like a big, gaudy badge of accomplishment, right there on the front of my jealous, spiteful shirt.

Cazzie!!! said...

~~Wonders why Catriona Rowntree didn't make the "grade" here, hang on, maybe it is because these Scraggers are gunna end up like her, oh Jebus help us!!! Little Catriona Rowntree Clones!!! hahaha.

Cazzie!!! said...

Oh, and I concur with adventure boy too.

redcap said...

Well I thought it was funny too, so anon, I'm afraid you're in the minority. But do come back - we enjoy your self-righteous twaddle. I'll bet you're just so darned nice that you have 85 World Vision sponsor children and do the 40 Hour Famine every week.

Jo, I also note that foot phobia is common. I don't like feet either, so maybe I've got what it takes to be a module? It doesn't matter that I'm nearly twice the required age, eight times the required weight and always look startled.

Anonymous said...

hi jo
seeing you've invested so much time and care in to your comments about these girls you should be shock to no you've forgotten the most important one....little steph hart!!!!!! how is she going to become famous if people like you dont talk about her??? come on!!!

Leigh said...

you must be a fat, ugly, arrogant, ignorant, disheveld bitch to write so much shit about these girls - its not their fault they are pretty and youre a slobby lazy fat girl with wobbly cellulite ass resembling the cookie monster. 16 year old girls dont need shit written about them for the world to c on the net, u should know this, im more than sure you copped shit when you were that age . you should do the world a favour and put yourself down. your nothjing to anybody but a horrible, ugly maingy dog. ready, set...bang.

Jo said...

Awwww, that's sweet.
Spelling,grammar, and puppet biology are atrocious, though.
It's "mangy". I should know.

porch Monkey 4 life said...

Here here Leigh,
but you forgot a few important adjectives like short, smelly and spastic... cause we all know how spiteful and bitchy those little malodourous retards can be! I mean what else can they do on their days off from the sheltered workshop? I actually prefer they sit in dark rooms posting nasty blogs rather than roaming the streets on leashes like untrained puppies... And if you think Jo only copped shit when she was sixteen... you don't know the half of it! After leaving 'biggest loser' tryouts in tears (apparently cankles are frowned upon even in the fat community), she became the poster girl for the world health organisations campaign against 'beyoncitis'... a modern affliction which makes women's asses grow disproportionately large for their bodies! and in case you were wondering, she's the 'before' shot! Snap...

Anonymous said...

Ahh soooo funny...you should do standup :)

shellity said...

Oh, man, now I'm REALLY jealous. I can't even get ONE inarticulate buffoon to splatter mouth-foam over at my blog. And you're getting stacks! I'm so proud.

Anonymous said...

This is my first ever post to a blog and i am certain it will be my last. Jo, how much time do you actually dedicate to this thing each day, week? Seriously, with the effort you've gone to it must have taken a good portion of the day (i'm sure alot longer). Single handedly picking up on every girl, wow? No matter what you say, the words you've written tell a story of time honoured detail.

And to those who envy the comments that Jo has received. Do you all really just sit there typing for the sake of doing so? Are you journalists that fell by the wayside? Or story tellers that couldn't catch a break? Does wasting away the hours here make up for whatever it is your missing out there?

Of all the productive things you could be doing you choose to do this? The internet is a wonderful place full of opportunity to those with the time and the know how. You have both but choose slag people instead??? I know i've asked alot of questions but the last one would have to be, do you really think the girls you pick on care? While living a dream of theirs, meeting new people, trying new things and being treated the way alot of girls would like, i ask again, do you really think they care about what you have to say? I hasten to suggest that most of them are too busy living their dream to bother.

I stumbled here via google whilst searching ANTM so you won't hear from me again. Please say what you like about me disappearing into the www. I'll think of you guys though while i watch ANTM next week. Not so much you, but the difference in the lives you and the girls you write off are living.

I'm sure you're happy doing this, but so are they so good luck to them for putting themselves out there. Sure you put your name to this blog but what does that mean? Really? (And before you ask, this took me 9 mins)

Anonymous said...

yep i agree with u annonymous and leigh 100%

To Jo..don't u think ur criticism is a bit too harsh? i mean u didn't even write at least 1 good comment to any of the girls...

just proves that ur jealous
My Advice (to Jo): Drop the burger, go outside, - and get a Life!

And b4 I go...I just wanna say...

Go Stephanie Flockhart! =)Hope She Wins***xoxoxoxox

Anonymous said...

Erm. . . don't have a blogger account, so will have to post here anon. Anyway, howdy.

Name's Craig, by the way.

Look, I just wanted to let you know that this was a gorgeous piece. I'm a novelist and teach writing at an Australian university, most of my friends are professional writers, and you do comedy right up there with the best of them. This is seriously good work.

Sure, picking on 17 year old models is a bit like scotch-taping a salmon to the end of a shotgun, but I'm sure they have a sense of humor too.

Puppet biology. LOL!

Jo said...

Thanks, Craig.

You're the low-fat yoghurt icing on my wheat-free muffin.

Anonymous said...

im surprised u changed to low fat yogurt Jo,

or maybe ur were talking about the 99% fat yogurt?

Jo said...

Ow! That really stings!
You have no idea of the effect that implying a 62-kilogram woman is fat can have, particularly when expressed in juvenile abbreviated text.
Gotta admit though, the hilarious, postmodern way you twisted my yoghurt comment was inspired. Have you been reading Baudrillard?