Underbelly, A Tale Of Two Cities - Episode 3

Recapped By Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, In Between Shopping For Accessories And Hating Leighton Meester.

Fugliest.
Episode.
Ever.

OMG, if it wasn’t for Sally Fletcher and Lady Gaga, this episode would have made me vomit up my cold soba noodles and dipping sauce. There’s even a guy whose surname is Chuck. There is no way people in the seventies really looked that mank and had pictures of forests wall-papered onto their kitchen. Okay, I can accept that they didn’t have mobile phones or spin classes or shows about vampires back then, but bull everybody wore tracksuits. LIES.

Pubs were really dangerous in the seventies. You could hardly walk into one without being hit with an ashtray, or bashed with the butt end of a gun, or seeing someone wearing flannelette. Now pubs are a lot safer because there’s no ashtrays or flannelette, and anyway I go to The Ivy.

Alison’s totally not even bothering with clothes anymore. She’s just sitting around in the nude in a hotel room with Matthew Newton, saying “Mirry Chrustmus, sixy” and drinking champagne. She has a pretty good idea about cutting the bottom out of suitcases to hide heroin, and she’s really good at maths, which turns Matthew Newton on. If only someone cut the bottom out of Matthew Newton, then we wouldn’t have to look at his anymore hahahaha! He gives Alison heaps of icing sugar to thank her.

There was a confusing bit this week. Okay, so Robert Trimboli sends people to sell drugs in Melbourne. Some uggers (led by Ray Chuck, so I’ll call them the ‘Chucky Uggers’) steal some money from one of Trimboli’s dealers. Trimboli sends the Kane brothers to threaten the Chucky Uggers, which makes the Chucky Uggers want to kill the Kane brothers. Trimboli helps sell the Chucky Uggers some guns to kill one of the Kane brothers, meaning that Trimboli got some of his money back from the guy who stole it in the first place.
So basically I worked that out all by myself instead of doing my Biology homework, but I should be able to get extra credit, because that’s the smartest thing I’ve ever done if you don’t count predicting that vinyl leggings would be huge.

Lady Gaga makes everybody some tea.

Sally Fletcher is in this show, but she’s stopped going on about Milko. She’s married to one of the Kane brothers, and she’s cross because she lives in an ugly house with ugly furniture and has to answer the ugly phone, and because the Chucky Uggers machine-gun her husband to death and leave a mess. She eventually tells the police about it, and Lady Gaga tries not to cry. She keeps her poker face.

Next week the hair gets even worse, and there’s more suitcases, guns and boobs, and there might be more Dieter Brummer. I mean, watching this show is like watching Home And Away through a brown filter.

I have to go get stuff waxed. I’ll see you next week.