Underbelly, A Tale Of Two Cities - Episode 2

By Darzelle Wixton-Smythe

Okay, so it looks like in every episode of this show there’ll be one chopped up body in a bag and eighty thousand nipples. I haven’t seen so many boobs since I last tried on a Sass & Bide frock in a David Jones changeroom, and stood right in that corner where the two mirrors meet, and looked at it at the right angle so your reflection kind of goes on forever. Anyway there’s heaps.

So most of the nipples belong to this new girl Alison, who looks like Jessica Simpson before she got heinous fat, but with the same number of pairs of high-waisted shorts. She does the dirty on her boyfriend with Matthew Newton, because her boyfriend didn’t shave after Movember. When she has sex with Matthew Newton it’s really romantic, like in Gossip Girl. OMG I love Chuck Bass.

There are lots of parties at Bondi in this episode, but everyone’s drinking weird cocktails like Pina Coladas and Daiquiris, not real cockails like Jager bombs.

Matthew Newton gets Alison to take some money to Singapore in her make-up bag, and the guards at the airport don’t suspect anything, which is so gay. Anyone who carries that much make-up would do a better job of covering up her freckles – it’s so obvious she’s a smuggler. She also takes some heroin back into Sydney under her gross shirt, but has to run to the toilets to check if she has her period or something, which really freaks her out.

The guy with the worst hair and the worst moustache in the whole show is punished by being internally searched by an airport guard, and then shot and chopped up by Matthew Newton. Alison waits for Matthew Newton in a hotel room, and there’s blood everywhere, so I guess she did get her period after all.

There’s a party to celebrate everyone being mildly more fashionable than last week, and Alison pashes Matthew Newton right in front of his girlfriend, which she kind of deserves, because she’s serving gherkins.

Gambling was illegal in the seventies, which is I guess why heroin was so big then, because without pokies bogans had nothing to do. A lot of the crooked policement gamble, and you can tell they’re crooked because they’re fugly. All the good cops in this show are borderline cute and have hot wives, but dud cars that drive them to Wagga.

I think the casting is dumb on this show. Matthew Newton doesn’t even look Asian.

Next week, it looks like Sally Fletcher and Lady Gaga are on the show, but I don’t know if they get their tits out.

PS: I love Chuck Bass.