Recapped by Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, an Eastern Suburbs private school girl I just made up.
So, right, there’s this bunch of characters that are supposed to be based on real life people, but with totally fake sideburns.
Matthew Newton is this guy with really blue eyes and a New Zealand accent – he’s all like “guv me the smeck, or I’ll shut on your nick”, or something, and he also paints in the nude. Maybe he paints with his dick, hahaha! His girlfriend stops taking the pill, but it shouldn’t make any difference, because in the sex scene Matthew Newton is like, behind her, and everyone knows you can’t get pregnant like that.
They should call this show Underbelly – The Tale of Two Titties! Hahaha!
Oh, my god, I’ve never seen so much polyester. It’s like Ed Hardy didn’t even exist in the seventies, like Wii or Mickey Rourke.
A guy called Robert Trimboli lives in Griffith, and he grows oranges and makes sandwiches. He organises for this guy, someone Mackay, to get killed, but I don’t know if it’s because Mackay is anti-drugs, anti-oranges, or just sells the ugliest effing furniture I have ever seen in my life.
Anyway, he gets killed and minced, and then his dogs get poisoned, and his wife is upset partly because of that and partly because the wardrobe people keep making her wear orange.
All the policemen smoke a lot, and two of them would be cute if it wasn’t for the totally random sideburns. Everyone’s hair is foul except for the lady policeman, and that’s just because she totally copied her hair from Lady Gaga (OMG I love that song). Some of the policemen are corrupt, and they like sandwiches, which I guess is where Trimboli comes in. I don’t know if any of the policemen like oranges.
The gym in this show is mank. It’s just a whole lot of guys boxing, and there’s no treadmills or Powerade or Body Jam. I didn’t really get this bit, but the guys (whose hair is better than the policemen) do some pushups and then rob the racetrack. They don’t even steal enough money to buy a house.
In the preview for the next episode it looks like the hair is a bit better, so I’ll probably watch it. I don’t know which episode Brooke Satchwell is in, but I hope she doesn’t get minced too.
I’ll see you later. I have to go and buy a handbag.