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Thursday, April 02, 2009


A friend of mine – let’s call her Penny (she understandably wishes to remain anonymous) - lives on a fairly high floor of a very tall building, and her balcony overlooks the grounds of an expensive and exclusive private girls’ school across the road.

Penny’s boyfriend was away for a few days, so her flatmate thought it would be hilarious to buy a male blow-up doll and leave it, fully inflated, in Penny’s bed. The doll was a particularly cheap model, un-blessed by the inconvenience of genitals, inflatable or otherwise. The doll’s name, according to the packaging, was Maverick.

When Penny discovered Maverick in her bed, she didn’t see the funny side straight away. After recovering from the initial terror she grabbed it and, realising her flatmate had just left for a party (dressed as a pirate, mind you – not relevant – just funny), ran with it to the balcony. She saw her flatmate below, shouted to her, and waved Maverick in the air.

The wind was angry that night, my friends.
In no time at all, Maverick had leapt free of Penny’s grip, and was floating across the street. Like his Top Gun namesake, he soared, looped-the-loop and seemingly mocked the laws of physics. Over a tree he flew, gradually losing altitude. Across the netball courts of the expensive and exclusive private girls’ school he wafted, and then, tired of his naked, airborne adventures, he gently drifted behind a building right in the middle of the school.

Naturally, when Penny told me this story, I laughed up my freaking pancreas. Shortly afterwards, I decided that it should become my mission to get Maverick back. A girl can never have too many hobbies, and Blow-Up Doll Retrieval is as honourable as any.

To that end, this very morning I have sent the following email to the administrative ladies at the aforementioned school:

From: ************ @
To: **************@**********
Subject: Lost Property Enquiry
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 2009 10:50:58 +1000

Dear Sir/Madam,

I regularly visit a friend who lives in a building very close to your school, and unfortunately recently whilst there, I lost some property that I believe may have ended up on school grounds.

On Saturday 28th March, whilst engaging in some tomfoolery on my friend's balcony, the item became caught in the wind and blew across the road, over a tree, and behind some buildings within the grounds.

Whilst the item is unusual and a little embarrassing, I assure you it has great sentimental value and I am anxious for its return.

The item is an almost life-sized male doll of caucasian appearance with brown hair, a moustache, and a surprised expression.

I realise that this may not be the kind of thing that could reasonably be announced at a school assembly, but if any of your staff or students do happen across this lost property, I would be very pleased to have it returned.

Thank you and best regards,
Jo Thornely.

I really, really hope I get a response. If not, Penny and I will be moving on to the second part of the plan. We will get him back, dammit.

It’s alright, Maverick. Mummy’s coming.



TimT said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. *Draws breath* Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

You have a generous heart, Jo Thornley.

Felix for Zosia said...

"of caucasian appearance": it's your attention to detail that puts you on a level that most mere mortals can only dream of. I love it.

shellity said...

I want to know what the second part of the plan is. Does it involve balaclavas and flashlights, by any chance?

Anonymous said...

Your article in the daily telegraph Tuesday August 7th 2012 was rubbish. You didn't even know what you were harping on about. Poor journalism.