(In case you need them, parts one and two of The Most Romantic Story Ever are here).
It’s happened. My appeal to internet suitors has now crossed the Sapphic line in the sand, and I’ve received my very first online lesbian come-on. I’m sure there’s a badge or a trophy or something like that available for this sort of thing. I might say no to the secret handshake, though – you never know where it’s been.
The moist manuscript below was digitally delivered to my inbox (*cough*) yesterday.
Greeting my dear,
my name is hellen iam a young beautiful girl with full of love and caring also romantic,
well i saw your profile today at(www.themusic.com.au)and i love it,i think we can click together please i will like you to use your email address (firstname.lastname@example.org) to contact me directly to my email box at the same time i will show you my photo and you also know more about me. thanks for your understanding please contact me with this email address below
Hellen, before we can ‘click together’, I’d like to just clarify a few points:
• It’s no surprise to me to hear that you’re a young beautiful girl. I’ve always assumed that if I was gay I’d have super-hot girlfriends. I did also assume that if I was gay I would have girlfriends who could write emails that don’t sound like they’ve just shaken up a bunch of words in a bag, but then maybe I’m just fussy.
• My ‘profile’ at the site you mention is a tiny paragraph that mentions a promotion I got at work a year and a half ago. I’m glad you love it, but I’m worried that you just like me because you’re assuming I got a pay rise as well, and you ain’t nuttin but a gold digger. We want pre-nup.
• If we get married, may I please take your name? I just think it would be cool to sign off emails with ‘Best regards, Jo KBaby’.
Part of me suspects that this email is the result of a random web-bot’s scouring of the net for email addresses for the purposes of marketing or fleecing, regardless of the recipient’s gender. But that part of me just doesn’t understand ROMANCE.