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Monday, November 23, 2009

The Punchy Punchy Chronicles: Volume 4


Is so.


If my eyes weren’t a desert, I guarantee you I’d be crying.

In a competition to find the World’s Most Sensitive Pugilist there would be a three-way tie, what with Junior getting choked up every time he mentions his family, Pradeep’s grand sweeping promises of dramatic Armageddon should he not get his way, and Sonni’s... well, I think Sonni deserves his own section, which I’m going to call...

The Many Moods Of Sonni Michel Angelo.

Sonni can smell drama from fifty feet away, underwater, with his nose missing, but when he reacts, he reacts so subtly that it’s almost impossible to determine exactly what’s going on in his head at any given time. That’s why I’ve decided, because I’m totally here to help you guys, to construct a basic guide to understanding Sonni’s innermost thoughts based on tiny, almost indiscernible nuances in his facial expression. For example:

It’s such a beautiful day. Perfect for going for a walk and picking daisies. No, PEONIES. Peonies are awesome.


Y’know, I really, really like eating apricots.

I can't belive Peter Andre and Jordan broke up.

The Philosophy Of Hitting Blokes And That.

• During the tug-of-war challenge, Ben mentions that he thinks “it’s befitting that it’s just blue on gold”. Dude. ‘Befitting’ has three syllables. If you’re not careful, they’ll revoke your boxing licence.

• Josh believes in being succinct. After listening to Pradeep run through every one of his eighteen separate emotions and submitting neatly typed essays outlining why he feels them so very deeply, Josh just tells the camera: “He’s just a very emotional bloke. He’s gotta get some cement dust and harden up a bit, I think’. That kind of quote is why I want to take this show on a picnic and hand-feed it delicious chicken sandwiches. That and the whole everyone’s-got-their-shirts-off-most-of-the-time thing.


• This week, the challenge is a Tug-Of-War, and the winner is Charlotte Dawson’s jacket.

• Victor, in a Russian accent even better than John Cleese’s in A Fish Called Wanda, looks confused and says ”I never heard this word before. Tug off war. But I saw zer quipment. And I’m understand”. Okay:
a) A rope. You saw a rope.
b) Can someone please ring the Kremlin and tell them that Victor is awesome.

• Men wrap themselves in rope, brace their thighs, flex their ‘ceps, and grunt. I’m pretty kind of deliriously happy with every word in that sentence. You know what makes men’s arms look better than when they’re pulling on a tug-of-war rope? Bringing me breakfast in bed, and nothing. The blue team wins because Victor is like a borscht-powered Jeep.

The Ladies And Offspring Of The Ring.

• Both Junior and Victor clearly went wife-shopping at The Bridal Boutique Of Mind-Blowingly Impossible To Ridicule Hotties. You chose well, gentlemen. Svetlana juuust scrapes through as my favourite boxing wag this week, because encouragements shrieked out in Russian with hand gestures are the very latest thing in frenzied amazing.

• Junior, your mother is WORRIED about you. PUT YOUR PANTS ON.

KOs and OKs

• When Nader gets his golden winner’s necklace for beating Les, he says he’s going to give it to his sister, because he loves his sisters. NOBLE.

• I kind of imagine that if Pradeep ever got a splinter in his finger, he would exclaim “THIS IS INJUSTICE! I have a tree that has pierced my finger, and I’m already dead from it and speaking to you from beyond the grave. PS, my awesome buff god says hi”. Let’s have a look at some of the mild, not-overly-histrionic-at-all statements he made this week:

a) Aaaaaargh! Aaaaaaargh! Wooooooooh! Aarrrrrgh! (We just won a game of tug-of-war)
b) My family can’t see me fighting in the future. Never ever. (Unless it’s in one of the three fights that will take place over the next ten days).
c) I cannot cry because my eyes are desert! (And also because I don't really feel like crying)
d) I change 1.2 billion people’s thinking! (Everyone in India is watching this show, and I like decimal points).
e) This is injustice. And unfair. (I borrowed Daniel Amalm’s thesaurus)

• Nader settles an argument by suggesting a vote. SO NOBLE.

• It’s face-off time. Men stand eye to eye, nose to nose, chest to chest, and so on and so forth. To glare. To growl. To trash talk. And in Sonni’s case, to catch up on a little light reading.

Punchy Punchy.

• Victor fights Junior, and I’m finally starting to understand how the judges score in boxing. It’s pretty much one point for every bit of drool on your shoes, two points for dancing, three points for bleeding and five points every time you just want a cuddle.

• Just before the final round of fighting, Nader rushes the ring and encourages Victor with “You’re down, brother. Look at your wife, brother. She’s freakin’ out, cuz – have a look! It’s about your family, okay? Let’s go!” NOBLE NOBLE NOBLE.

• The closest fight ever in the history of time ever gets the non-fighting boxers and audience riled up as they dispute the judges’ decision to hand Victor the win. Whatever. The bloke who gets the most Vaseline smeared on his face always wins. JUST LIKE LIFE.

Oh, also – I know I go on and on about Nader a lot, and how very, very noble he is, and how hot he is, and how hot and noble and noble and hot he is, but I realised I might have been neglecting the interests of whole sections of the community.
So here, Eastern Suburbs girls. Have a couple of pictures of Ben with his tongue out.
You're welcome.


Yas Bean said...

As soon as I saw Nader rush up to the ring and give Victor advice, I said to Kiki 'I like to think that Victor will now win and it will all be because of Nader's awesome advice' AND IT WAS!
That is all.

Kiki said...

yep, she totally called it.

i would like Nader to give me pep talks in general life. i think i would be way more function/successful.


Yas Bean said...

I can't wait for my Victor Christmas card

4laughs said...

LOL...ok just picked myself up as I fell on the floor laughing! Good work Jo!

Funny that Nader in the last episode was doing the same thing..whingeing to fight!

Jokes apart you have to feel a bit sorry for Pradeep he is getting shafted!

Junior was ROBBED!!

Yas Bean said...

The more we watch The Contender, the more engrish we become, just like the contestants. During the fight, me and KiKi spent the entire time yelling at the tv 'MAKE MORE PUNCHY PUNCHY'.