This week on The Contender, there’s not one but TWO punchy punchy sessions. Twice the punchy. Twice the sweaty. And almost sixteen times more cuddles. This is really becoming my kind of sport, y’all.
The Philosophy Of Hitting Blokes And That.
For as long as the blokes on The Contender keep saying stuff, I will keep learning lessons about life. FACT.
• When Sonni is late to congratulate Victor on his win, he explains that “I was in the toilet, man. I was too nervous. I had to take a nervous bath”. Twenty-two thousand people all assume he was going to finish that last sentence differently.
• Victor might have to ask Daniel Amalm if he can borrow his thesaurus. Alternatively, he might just keep telling people they are like a chicken. Either/or.
• Garth gets a cut to the eye during sparring, and he self-diagnoses. Now, I’m not down with all the latest medical technology and jargon, but apparently he’s suffering from advanced Claret Everywhere Bust Me Open syndrome.
• When Pradeep goes to tell Mr Beardy and The Trainer Who Talks Like He’s Drunk that he’s quitting the competition, The Trainer Who Talks Like He’s Drunk gives him a little pep talk. “This is what the fight game is about” he says. “It’s about heartbreak. It’s about letdown”. Wow. Way to market the sport, dude.
• Before Sonni fights, he tells us that “When I am in the ring, I remember that I am Sonni, but still, deep inside me, I am the Jungle Boy”. If I have to explain to you why this is eighty-four different kinds of awesome, then you’re off my Christmas card list.
There are no more challenges. Instead, each boxer’s name will now be frozen in dry ice, blessed by a shaman, flown to the top of a mountain and flung from the peak. Whichever two names the trained eagles swoop in and grasp with their outstretched talons will be the fighters for that week.
Actually, for the first time in five weeks, the fighter-choosing is relatively simple. The hardest bit was finding buckets in the right colours at Bunnings.
Kariz is matched with Adrian, and everybody tries to pretend that the eight-foot height difference won’t matter. And no, Adrian, I’m not going to do it yet.
Pradeep is matched with Sonni, and... Pradeep? Hello?
Welcome to the Fisty Fashion Festival, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight we have an eclectic and unusual collection to show you, and we do hope you enjoy it. Jatz and Cracker Barrel will be served after the show in the vestibule.
In the red corner, we have The Trainer Who Talks Like He’s Drunk in what are clearly women’s glasses.
And in the blue corner, please welcome Ben, in a fetching hat and scarf combination from the Turn-Of-The-Century Paper-Boy collection.
Finally, in the Hypercolour corner, Sonni struts his stuff in off-the-shoulder glamour. What a feeling. Being’s believing. He can have it all, now he’s punchy for his life.
The Ladies And Offspring Of The Ring.
Oh look, I don’t know. I can’t tell which wife, girlfriend or casual shag belongs to whom anymore. One thing’s for certain, though: BOXING DADDIES = CUTE KIDS. Dawwww.
KOs and OKs
• Adrian actually speaks in this episode! Hi, Adrian. Welcome to the party. And no, I’m not going to do it yet. You’ll have to wait.
• I’ve totally figured it out. Pradeep has PMT. The mood-swings, the feelings of persecution, the listless demeanour, the cryi –waaaiiit. Crying? I THOUGHT YOUR EYES WERE DESERT, PRADEEP. Let’s have a little comparison, shall we? Let’s see:
• Ben hurts his neck and has to see a doctor. I reckon his neck’s just tired under the weight of all that hair and all those big words.
• Matt Shirvington and Andrew Ettinghausen are in the audience for fight night. It’s like a Has-Been Hotties convention.
• I’ve just noticed that, in between rounds, the trainers hold the boxers’ belts away from their stomachs. I’m sure officially it’s to help their breathing comfort, but I’m just gonna go right ahead and pretend that it’s to cop a gawk at their junk.
FIGHT ONE: Kariz & Adrian
Unfortunately I blinked during this fight, and missed most of it. Still, in a surprise comparable to going into the Contender kitchen and finding someone frying mushrooms, Kariz knocks Adrian out.
And yes, Adrian. I’m going to do it now.
Thank Christ. I’ve been waiting five weeks to bust out that shit.
Also: Your Arse + Blue-Lit Shower Scene = Awesome. Class dismissed.
FIGHT TWO: Pradeep and Sonni
Okay, so the single most important thing about this fight is that Sonni is wearing leopard-print boots. Tell me I’m wrong.
In preparation for the fight, Pradeep does some praying, some jumping around, some mirror-inspection and some shadow-boxing.
Sonni’s preparation technique is almost the same, but with one minor difference. See if you can pick it:
Fight-time, and it seems Sonni likes to cuddle and punch at the same time. And girly-slap. And elbow. And head-butt. So, he may not be that ethical, and he may not be a completely clean fighter, and the ref might have told him not to be stupid, but for god’s sake, people. Leopard-print boots. In the end, the guy who does the most celebratory pelvic-thrusts wins. JUST LIKE LIFE.
There’s not much footage of Pradeep in the shower afterwards, supposedly because they couldn’t find many continuous shots where he wasn’t wailing “The drops of water! They are like needles to my skin! They show me no respect!”.
Unfortunately for me and my pants, Nader hardly features in this episode at all. Being noble is probably just really, really tiring.