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Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Shebangabang's Next Top Model #4

Okay, so it’s late at night, you’re feeling peckish, and you check the ‘fridge to see if there’s anything worth pillaging. You open the door, and there, right on the top shelf, is an unopened packet of Tim Tams. You put one in your mouth and chew slowly, savouring each divine, satiny, brown-drool-inducing tongue-roll. All of a sudden you hit something unusual and tough, so you pull it out of your mouth. It’s a piece of paper. You unfold it and realise it’s a voucher for eight thousand more unopened packets of Tim Tams.

New Zealand’s Next Top Model is finding the packet of Tim Tams.

The makeover episode is eating the Tim Tams.

The photo shoot involving plastering the modules’ faces with sequins, feathers, glitter and paint is, quite clearly, eight thousand more packets of Tim Tams.

And Colin Mathura Jeffree is the limp carrot in the crisper. You know I’m right.

The Judges.

Sara Tetro
DRESS YOUR AGE, WOMAN. Also P.S: I know you’ve been going to a lot of funerals lately, but nicking frocks from dead old ladies is really crossing the line. As is, granted, the use of the phrase ‘dead old ladies’. Sorry. FYI, ‘Lacy Shoulders’ is a drag name, not a dress code. I know you love me, though, because you totally said the following on purpose during the Eliminarium deliberation: “Ulivin girls, but we ken only keep tin of thum. I suspect we might get un a but of a screp over this, so shell we try and keep it suvul?”. Thank you, Sara. I love you too.

Chris Sisarich
Waaaiiiit. I see a deep v-necked t-shirt and a driving cap. I’ve... I’ve seen this before. Could – it’s not – Chris ‘Do Me Right Now’ Sisarich, have you been raiding Jonathan Pease’s wardrobe?! Tut, tut. That’s a spanking.

Colin Mathura-Jeffree
Colin Hyphenated-Surname seems to have spent a lot less time around powerpoints and humidity this week, but someone still needs to take his Big Book Of Fierce Gay Stylist Words away from him. Every time he refers to it, he appears to skim through the pages, looking, seeking, and then suddenly bursting forth with a “FEBULOUS!”, or a “STUNNUNG!”. Still, I have to give him points for embracing the briny theme of the underwater walking challenge by dressing as a pirate. He even went to the trouble of making his hair look exactly like kelp. Wait – I think I have a picture of it somewhere...

The Icksint.

This week I’ll be providing you with a glossary to help you out with some words and phrases that you may be having trouble with:

Jezzercise – exercise one performs to a contemporary pop soundtrack after getting dressed in a hurricane in the 80s.
A-queer-i-um – a place with heaps of fush, but sadly no chups.
Redicowl Dufferunce – what happens when you get a haircut.
Vij-ta-bulls – what Ho(sanna) eats instead of chocolate.
Ix-ercise Ekwup-munt – various apparatus delivered to the house to facilitate weight maintenance and futness.
Squunt – what you do with your eyes in a photo shoot in order to look sixy
You Kept-a-vated The Lins - you take choice photos, ay.

Budgetirry Lumutations.

Clearly the production budget blew out on face-sequins for the photo shoot, and there were only just enough spangles left to furnish the modules with one black sequinned frock. Last week Teryl-Leigh wore it to wreak racial havoc amidst the shower-hogging crowd. This week, Christobelle turns up to the walking challenge wearing it, and Lucy fronts up to the Eliminarium in it. That. Dress. Is. A. Slut.

Bist Buts.

• A lot of the girls are upset with the drestuck changes that are being made to their hair, and daub their faces with a mixture of tears, snot, and clumsy strings of damp tissue. Ladies. Take your elegant crying lesson from Ajoh, winner of this week’s Single Crystalline Tear award. Now, if we can just get the girl to blink, we’re on a winner. Seriously. Blink. I beg you.
• Sara tells Ho(sanna) that she’s getting an Eva Mendes haircut, but her hairdresser confuses her when he mentions that she’ll be getting ‘a Mediterranean kind of look’. Ho nervously asks “Is... is that near South America”? Yes, sweetie. Just next door. Near Belgium, but with heaps more sombreros.
• Everyone does quite well out of the makeovers except for Laura, who I will now be referring to as ‘Cotton Bud’. No reason.
• This week’s walking challenge involves confusing designer clothing, heels, walking on a conveyor belt, and being in an underwater aquarium tunnel. For reasons like this, I would eat this show’s snot if it asked me to.
• Despite my better (bitter?) judgement, I’m starting to pinpoint my favourites, and I mean that in an if-I-was-gay-I’d-totally-have-a-badge-made-featuring-your-face-and-if-you-leaned-in-to-see-it-I-would-jump-you-like-a-cheap-trampoline kind of way. Victoria and Ruby, I’m talking to you.
• Ajoh. Honey. Look into blinking. Come on.
• This week’s photo shoot tattoos daisies on my heart. The 2nd grade arts and crafts class from Taranaki Remedial Primary For The Blind has a fucking field day with sequins, glue, glitter, feathers and acrylic paint, making all kinds of miniature facial models of cartoon explosions and bacterial colonies. Apparently the theme is ‘underwater tropical fantasy’, but I see it more as ‘petri dish chic’. Except for Rebecca Rose, who has gone for more of a ‘bowel-looseningly terrifying bird/alien hybrid’ vibe. Bless.

Anyway, Olivia is eliminated, presumably because she’s wearing a black velvet bow in her hair.
E haere ra, Olivia! You really and truly... well, showed up. Thanks, by the way. Bye.

Sweet, fierce baby jesus, this is my 100th Next Top Model-related post. That’s eight different kinds of get a life.


Anonymous said...

Could they replace NZNTM with Sigmund because I really miss him?

Anonymous said...

JB I think it's shocking that you're not famous

Anonymous said...

Not going to completely spoil your future packets of Tim Tams, but lets just say you... an your vajayjay...will like a certain part of episode episode 10 (or the previews in episode 9)

Anonymous said...


Colin Mathura-Jeffree

Jo said...

It's very hard to tell if that's really you, Colin.

Please send a lock of your hair for proof.

Anonymous said...

so glad you're recapping this - it doubles the fun.

I like Colin - he's so fresh and enthusiastic and fully engaged (unlike Pease with his disdainful drawl and his where are the really young ones for me to root air, ugh).

- and Colin has hair! I love his hair. Most men these days sport the I am an East-ender thug shaved look, so I am always pleased to see his latest do.

winston said...

Hi, I'm a Pom who's lived in NZ for a long time, and my Kiwi wife and I love your comments on NZNTM. Mind you, we loved NZNTM itself, and I like "Bad Girls" and "Footballers' Wives", so it's hardly an impressive endorsement.

Although an Aussie mocking the NZ accent is a case of the pot calling the kettle black. I theenk you mean "heeps of feesh but no cheeps".

A few small kwubbles.

I'm pretty sure it's pronounced "Icksunt", not "Icksint".

Why no mention of NZ's favourite module, the grotesquely obese porker Fat Ruby (well at least according to the judges)?

And what's with the pronounciation of "Sara" in "Saramail"? Apart from to sound like "Tyra" in "Tyramail"?

shellity said...

100? Congedgalations!

This week it's almost impossible to single out some Ceck-my-Decks moments, so I'll do the opposite, and tell you where you weren't funny. The last 'and' in the first paragraph. Your timing was way off.