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Friday, March 17, 2006

Emails I May Never Send #4

Dear David Caruso,

Okay, so part of my beef might be with the writers, producers and directors of CSI Miami, but when it comes down to it, I don't want to take a hot iron to their faces like I do with you, David.

Point one: You Are Not Sexy. Just come to terms with it, honey. It's partly because you've had the same hair for two decades, you have the physical presence of a marionette, and your eyes are like two beady little licorice bullets. But it's mostly because you're Ginger.

Point two: CSI MIAMI is fictional. They make all those women talk to you, because it's in the script. They make those children look up to you like a father-figure, because they're paying them. And sweetheart - in real life, Ginger people don't drive Hummers.

Point three: Leaving big spaces in between each of your scripted words isn't enigmatic, charismatic, or dramatic. It's f*cking annoying.

Point four: The costume department didn't give you those sunglasses for dramatic effect, so stop fiddling with them. They gave them to you because you're ugly. And Ginger.

Thanks, mate. Sort it.



Jessica Rohypnol said...

*giggle* He's a Fanta pants!

News just in : Unfortunately the dispute still rages between opposing CSI Miami Production departments, with rumours of Union officials stepping in to mediate peace talks. Seems the individual Props, Costume and Makeup departments are at war with the Producer over placement of star David Caruso's contractually assigned merkin. Crew say it belongs firmly on his scalp because he's such a dickhead. Producer is siding with the star over his crotch toupee.

More news as it comes to hand, thanks, and it's back to you in the office Jo.

Vixen said...

Dear Jo, thank you for this delightful "E-Mail".

I used it for my own "My name is David Caruso and I suck"- blog,
Ihope, you don't mind.
Cheers, Vixen

lacyleanne said...


Hysterical! Question though on jessica's comment - what the hell is a merkin? I dont get her reply at all.

Pretty funny stuff, but I truly must protest! David cannot help being a Ginger! He was born a Ginger, for christ's sake! You can't blame him for that!

He's really a good actor and lots and lots and lots of people think he is handsome - me included!

Vixen said...

He's really a good actor and lots and lots and lots of people think he is handsome - ...

Disregard...that comes from a mentally unstable person who likes to cut herself for fun. Now you know WHAT kind of fans that GINGER asshole has...

gossip-addict said...

Anyone who thinks Caruso is handsome MUST be nuts. The lady needs help.

Jo said...

I'll partially concede - it's true, it's not his fault he's Ginger.

It IS his fault he's an asshole.

gossip-addict said...

Yes, yes, yeas - HE IS A MAJOR ASSHOLE. And a very untalented actor.

captainfez said...

Seek out a movie called Session 9. Creepy Caruso is somewhat closer to the real thing, methinks, than his whole Upright Investigative Pillar schtick.

Maximus said...

I know I'm, like, totally 3 years behind you on this conversation and all, but I've only just found your blog and its hilarious and anyway: have you noticed the way that he tilts his head to one side? Like, all the time? Like, even when he's about to shoot someone, or get shot, or say something really meaningful, he does this weird fucking head tilt shift thing that just makes me want to smack him.