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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Emails I May Never Send #1

Dear Britney,

Thanks once again for letting me watch your slow and agonising descent into Celebrity Insanity. The fact that you're accompanying your psychic crumbling with weight gain, acne, laughable parenting, a hilarious marriage, an intense dependence on ready-made coffee drinks and a devotion to clothing made famous by various freeway hookers only endears you to me more.
I like that you can drive with one hand on the wheel, one hand around a mocha latte crush, and your child on your lap. I like that your chins now outnumber your hit singles. I like that your husband is a weaselly slut who may or may not have scattered his demon seed across the continent, giving rise to cut-price bastard offspring throughout your fine country. I like that, instead of a tedious old bridal waltz, you chose to celebrate your marriage with a quick drunken pole-dance in a tracksuit.
Of all the celebrities currently tumbling down the slippery slope of public kookiness, you're my fifth favourite.
Don't ever change, Britney.
Oh - except maybe keep your boosies out of sight. Enough already.
Yours in anticipation of more New Idea photos of you shopping in a t-shirt,
x x x


Madge Ritchie said...

So, let me get this straight ... can I or can't I can't count on you making Ambrosia Salad for the Buy Britney a Bra Kabbalah Society B&S Sausage Sizzle this year?

Madge said...

Sorry about the typo's in previous post. Difficult to type accurately in Trichonasana.

sketchmonkey said...

NW is my fav this week with the 'breaking news' that dear ol' brit's had a boob job and they've got the images of the scars to prove it!
shock horror!
i'm sorry, but if she's had a boob job, she should sue the surgeon for making her nipples point downwards!

Andmoo said...