Mike has slept on the ground at Wolf Creek.
Mike has jumped out of the sky.
Mike has wrestled Barramundi into submission.
Mike has butchered a freshly deceased cow by the side of a desert road.
And earlier this evening, Mike called me excitedly during the ad break of this episode of New Zealand’s Next Top Model, his first, to ask “Is it always like this?” and to tell me how much he was enjoying it.
Welcome, Mike. Welcome to both the best and stupidest thing you will ever watch on television.
Once this ridiculously long plug for Nivea products is over.
Sweetie, you forgot to take your cape off when you came out of make u... oh. Oh, I see. No, no, that’s totally a dress, I understand that now. And no, I’m not yawning, I’m just saying “wow” really, really slowly.
Didn’t we get to see a lot of you during this episode, Chris “I’ll Show You My Flash If You Show Me Yours” Sisarich? Yes, we did. I don’t remember a single word you said, though, lost as I was in your eyes and all that crap, but I did draw a sketch of you on a horse, cuddling a baby polar bear. I used the felt-tip markers and craft paper from the stupid fucking charity challenge.
Hair? Barely even bouffy.
Goatee? Seen it before.
Telling Nelza to shimmy away her tears?
I may never be unhappy again.
Honestly, I can’t believe you guys aren’t fluent in this language yet. All you have to do is chew gum, bite down on a pencil and flare your nostrils.
Cheeraty = Guvung thungs to people who hevvunt got inny-thung. See: Beguns Et Home.
Sput Un Your Drunk = Something Courtenay had better not do to Dakota unless she wants to get stabbed.
Striss Pumples = Thungs you git on your forehid whin you’re enxious.
Wunner Dunner = What you get if you design the stupidest cheeraty. Un a ristraunt!
Statest.... Statustu... Stetastuck... Aaah fuck it, never mind.
When you blow your entire weekly budget on body-paint, feathers and plasticine for a photo shoot, it stands to reason that your weekly challenge will be lamer than Myspace. With crayons and safety scissors, the modules are asked to invent a charity, draw some pictures and drone about it in front of a camera.
Luckily, there’s not even a single coin left to donate to Nelza’s charity, which seeks to help raise the self-esteem of red-haired people.
Seriously though, if it stops being okay to tease rangas, what are normal people going to do with their spare time?
Still, they did throw in five hundred bucks, courtesy of one of the sponsors whose name I’ve forgotten. Nelza says she wants to punch herself in the face to make sure it’s real.
It’s okay, Nelza. I’ll do that.
• Yep. Sponsored by Nivea. Got it.
• I think this episode might also have been sponsored by that bit in Scrabble where you shake the letter tiles up in a bag. Wouldn’t you say so, special guests Ngahuia Williams and Ursula Hufnagl?
• Dakota wants a degree in psychology. That’s like Terri Irwin wanting to study people with split ends.
• Danielle assumes that “Mystery Judge” is Ursula Hufnagl’s real name, and assumes that her parents were hippies. I assume that Danielle’s parents were three quarters stupid. I’m not sure what the remaining three quaters were.
• THIS WEEK'S PHOTO SHOOT IS AMAZING. Body paint, prosthetic horns and beaks, feathers, fur and nipple-covers. It’s just like a party at my house except fewer martinis and more clothes. Courtenay says she feels weird because she’s naked. Yeah. You’ve got a beak and feathered boobs. I’m pretty sure it’s the nudity making you feel weird.
• Nelza is worried about the shoot, because she thinks she has a fat arse. Remember that girl at school? That thin, pretty one who spent most of her time complaining about how fat and ugly she was? Add red hair to that. Now punch it in the face.
• In the Eliminarium, we get to see all the crappy charity videos again! YEAH! Now if someone could just pull my toenails out through my eyes, we’re pretty much there.
• Colin Hyphenated-Surname asks Michaela what she thinks Africa needs, seeing as her charity is all about her birthplace. Ensuring her position as UN ambassador is rock-solid, she answers “Food, water and education I reckon”. Colin corrects her, saying that what Africa really needs is straightening irons.
Which is even more awkward than this.
Eventually, it comes down to Nelza and Dakota, or as I prefer to call it, The Best Psychotic Anomaly Package Deal In Auckland This Morning.
Tears are shed, and Dakota is sent packing.
E haere ra, Dakota! Remember that even through the tears, the pain, the misunderstandings and the hurtful words, the real winner is get out of here you nutbag.