It also had heaps of big words in it and that.
It was totes sesquipedalian.
Here we are in, as Sara Tetro so eloquently puts it, in “steamy Phuket”, which is brilliant if, like me, you giggle every time you hear the word “pooh”.*
That’s it. I’m calling the Sequin Police.
Shorts. T-shirt. Shorts. Shorts. SHORTS. Finally Mr Chris “Widen My F-Stop” Sisarich places just a single, small layer of flumsy februck between himself and me. Well, that and a restraining order, obviously, but you can’t see silhouetted nipples through a restraining order.
Colin Hyphenated-Surname seems to have been in such a rush to get his half-up, half-down hairstyle and his mannequin impersonation right that he’s turned up in his pajamas. He definitely seems to be keeping cool in the humid weather, but seriously, anything that makes me think about Colin in bed is just asking for trouble. Trouble and gagging. Trouble and gagging and self-lobotomy.
My advice, then, is to perhaps go for something more like this. Something lightweight, colourful and practical. Something dashing and forthright. Something that breathes, like you would, heavily, in bed. SHIT SHIT DAMMIT.
Oh, and Elza wants to borrow that stupid hat once you’re finished with it.
We’re now at the point in this series of New Zealand’s Next Top Model where the voice in my head has actually started speaking with a Kiwi accent. Well, one of them has, anyway. The other three still sound like Bea Smith from Prisoner.
Prutty Suck = getting upgraded to Business Class, if you’re Danielle.
Prutty Fet = Lara’s arse, if you’re Dakota
Aggrission = What you need for kuck boxung, if you’re Nelza
“I Thought We’d Hev A Chet” = “I thought I’d find the quickest way to start a bitch fight” if you’re Sara Tetro. See also: Puttung The Cet Amongst The Pudgeons.
Illa-Funt = One of two things on this show with a bug fet bum.
Wug = What you wear on your hid when you’re being photographed with an illa-funt.
Missuv Buts Of Shut = What comes out of the beck of an illa-funt in the middle of a photo shoot.
The challenge this week is to make your own dress from five yards of fabric, because buggered if we’re paying for any designer frocks.
The challenge prize this week is twenty extra frames in the photo shoot, because that’s worth exactly eight squerzillion imaginary dollars.
The touristy things we’ll do in Thailand are things like looking at monkeys, looking at elephants, looking at snakes and watching a puffer fish vomit seawater out of its armpits. Because awesome.
• Chris Sisarich is wearing shorts.
• Nelza says that having her sister eliminated was like a mother losing her baby, but that if she misses her she can just glance in the mirror. I’m thinking of inviting Nelza around to my house for a cup of tea and a big bowl full of slapping.
• Chris Sisarich is wearing shorts.
• Muay Thai kickboxing is exactly as relevant to modelling as a chimpanzee riding on a Segway.
And now I’m just really happy because that’s a picture of a Chimpanzee on a Segway.
• Chris Sisarich is wearing shorts, saying the word “sweating” and talking about tongues. Thank you from my pants.
• All of the girls want Dakota to go home, causing her to warn them that they don’t want her to take it “to a dark place”. Ladies. Please do not make Dakota show us her dark place. Well, not until she’s in a photo shoot, anyway, when she poses like she’s trying to air out her dark place. See? It’s funny because I mean vagina.
• Producers, if you’re going to show footage suggesting that Lara has a fat arse, and then you organise a photo-shoot with an elephant, then it’s inevitable that I’m going to say things that make me sound like a bitch. And I’m just not comfortable with that.
• Elimination this week makes two things obvious:
1. The modules are clearly raiding Sara Tetro’s wardrobe directly from the Frump section; and
2. YOU SERIOUSLY HAVE TO SHOUT TO BE HEARD OVER THIS GODDAMN RAIN.
• Sara Tetro totally hates Dakota. It’s friggin’ awesome. Anything that makes the question “What has Lara’s butt got to do with you” is friggin’ awesome. She also says ‘disingenuous’, which is the longest word ever used on any series of Top Model worldwide, if you don’t count ‘Porizkova’.
Eventually, it comes down to Dakota and Lara, the former because she doesn’t take direction well, and the latter because she doesn’t photograph well.
After a spot of suspense, Lara is sent home because – let’s be honest here – her bum really is a little bit fat.
E haere ra, Lara! You’re ginger. Surely you knew this was coming.
*Or of course “erection”.