Wow. Haven’t done one of these in a while, which goes a fair way towards revealing what a slow year it’s been.
For the uninitiated, I’ll bring you up to speed – when I get approached by men with pick-up lines, it’s usually not how it happens on television or in my dreams. In fact, if you were going to place a bet on either the sun coming up tomorrow or me being targeted by a loser or a clinically insane raving freak, your money would be safer on the eternal darkness/Armageddon side of the fence.
To make matters worse, I have a pathological aversion to being impolite.* This means that I use gentle clues, body language and short, closed responses to indicate to the applicant that I’d rather eat bleach than touch their pasty person, when most people would just invite the gentleman to observe their middle finger and die, or similar.
Still, I reckon most normal blokes can tell the difference between:
a) a good time, place, and context to approach women and;
b) the queue at Gate 18 at Perth airport at one o’clock in the morning.
Hint: I don’t want to talk to anybody in the queue at Gate 18 at Perth airport at one o’clock in the morning, in fact I’m trying to figure out a way to turn the noise of my brain down. I’m tired. I’m cranky. My hair has looked better after skydiving. So basically, if you do even one, much less all of the below list of things, I will want to choke you with my complimentary head set and push you out the door of the plane. There is no safety demonstration telling you what to do in the event of being an irritating dickwad.
List Of Things Not To Do Or Say To Cranky Ladies At Gate 18 At Perth Airport At One O’Clock In The Morning:
1. Walk around me in a circle TWICE before starting up a conversation.
2. Have a shiny face. Might not be your fault, but really, really doesn’t help.
3. Tell me you partied last night until six in the morning, woke up at nine, and started again. I already know you’re a dick. Knowing that you’re a dick who only had three hours sleep makes no difference whatsoever.
4. Use the phrase “The good times don’t even start until 2am”. I get it. You stay up late. So does the dude who collects cigarette butts from the garbage bins in my neighbourhood.
5. Tell me you work for the Treasury like it’s a big deal. You can only use your job as part of your pick-up spiel if you’re an astronaut, a surgeon, a premium beer brewer or Roger Federer. Everybody knows that.
6. When a voice on the PA instructs anyone with an infant to board first, ask with a smirk “Do you think I qualify as an infant?”. I’m guessing your penis does.
7. Randomly and without prompting regurgitate quotes like “If violence is not the answer, then I don’t understand the question”. You. Are. An. Arsehole.
I don’t suppose the irony of the fact that I was flying Virgin is lost on anyone?
*In real life, I mean. Here in my own cyber-corner, I can be as rude as I like, and say whatever I want. Example: TIT FLAPS. See?
For the uninitiated, I’ll bring you up to speed – when I get approached by men with pick-up lines, it’s usually not how it happens on television or in my dreams. In fact, if you were going to place a bet on either the sun coming up tomorrow or me being targeted by a loser or a clinically insane raving freak, your money would be safer on the eternal darkness/Armageddon side of the fence.
To make matters worse, I have a pathological aversion to being impolite.* This means that I use gentle clues, body language and short, closed responses to indicate to the applicant that I’d rather eat bleach than touch their pasty person, when most people would just invite the gentleman to observe their middle finger and die, or similar.
Still, I reckon most normal blokes can tell the difference between:
a) a good time, place, and context to approach women and;
b) the queue at Gate 18 at Perth airport at one o’clock in the morning.
Hint: I don’t want to talk to anybody in the queue at Gate 18 at Perth airport at one o’clock in the morning, in fact I’m trying to figure out a way to turn the noise of my brain down. I’m tired. I’m cranky. My hair has looked better after skydiving. So basically, if you do even one, much less all of the below list of things, I will want to choke you with my complimentary head set and push you out the door of the plane. There is no safety demonstration telling you what to do in the event of being an irritating dickwad.
List Of Things Not To Do Or Say To Cranky Ladies At Gate 18 At Perth Airport At One O’Clock In The Morning:
1. Walk around me in a circle TWICE before starting up a conversation.
2. Have a shiny face. Might not be your fault, but really, really doesn’t help.
3. Tell me you partied last night until six in the morning, woke up at nine, and started again. I already know you’re a dick. Knowing that you’re a dick who only had three hours sleep makes no difference whatsoever.
4. Use the phrase “The good times don’t even start until 2am”. I get it. You stay up late. So does the dude who collects cigarette butts from the garbage bins in my neighbourhood.
5. Tell me you work for the Treasury like it’s a big deal. You can only use your job as part of your pick-up spiel if you’re an astronaut, a surgeon, a premium beer brewer or Roger Federer. Everybody knows that.
6. When a voice on the PA instructs anyone with an infant to board first, ask with a smirk “Do you think I qualify as an infant?”. I’m guessing your penis does.
7. Randomly and without prompting regurgitate quotes like “If violence is not the answer, then I don’t understand the question”. You. Are. An. Arsehole.
I don’t suppose the irony of the fact that I was flying Virgin is lost on anyone?
*In real life, I mean. Here in my own cyber-corner, I can be as rude as I like, and say whatever I want. Example: TIT FLAPS. See?
.
2 comments:
Now you need to use that site-reader thing to see how many people googling TIT FLAPS end up at your blog.
Well I was had at walking around in a circle twice. That's just how I'd love to be picked up - kind of reminds me of how people choose horses.
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