It’s widely known that the most unoriginal thing a blogger can do is to list the phrases that people have entered into Google to end up at their blog.
I am neither proud nor original.
Looking through search phrases on my Site Meter brings me untold joy, quizzical facial expressions and an over-achieving gag reflex each morning. To illustrate, here are my favourite four search phrases from the last twenty-four hours, in order from most benign to most heinously wrong, that have somehow led people to my digital doorstep:
1. “Dirty Panty Liners”
The fact that this search brings people to my little corner of the world is no surprise tp me – obviously this post has a lot to answer for. The fact that for the last THREE YEARS I’ve had an average of two hits per day based on this search phrase alone means one of two things:
a) That there are lot of people who are curious about dirty panty liners; or
b) That there is just one person who is curious about dirty panty liners, and his quest is thorough and endless.
Further, since I’ve just used the phrase multiple times in this post, I’m assuming that I’ve probably moved myself closer to the top of the search results list. Hence, if you’ve just arrived here looking for dirty panty liners: HI, FREAK. THIS IS YOUR MOTHER. GO SEE A PRIEST.
2. “Pubescent Armpit Photography”
So, like, do they mean:
a) photographs of armpits taken by pubescents;
b) photographs of pubescent armpits; or
c) photographs of kittens, sunsets and dew-encrusted roses taken on an armpit-camera.
I’m totally plugging for c), and I want an armpit-camera for Christmas.
3. “Photos Of Matron Dealing With Errant Nurses”
I adore a perv with a decent vocabulary and a quaint turn of phrase. In fact, I consider myself to be one.
And finally, my absolute favourite for more reasons than I can possibly explain:
4. “My Westie Vagina Looks Saggy”
I… I’m borderline speechless. I just hope they found the answer, or the vet, that they were looking for.