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Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Australia's Next Top Westie Scrag Series 4 - THE FINALE

You must be joking.
I hope you haven't stopped by for an Australia's Next Top Model recap.
I may not even remember my own name until afternoon tea-time tomorrow. I think even my letterbox is hungover.

But, like a convicted drug-smuggler, I'll try to squeeze out something expensive:
  • Joydhi was a noy-shoy. Rumours suggest that she wasn't comfortable enough with live television to agree to hoyst the shoy. I think she simply ran out of vowels.
  • Charlotte Dawson looked smoking freakin' hot. Scientific fact.
  • Shiny Alex Perry, who looked like a treasured St Bernard's testicle that had been bronzed and put on a mantelpiece where expensive sunglasses are usually kept, argued calmly with Jonathan Pease by simply repeating the same sentence over and over. If only Wayne Cooper could learn to argue with as much restraint.
  • Q: What's scarier than the scariest thing you've ever seen in your life? A: The scariest thing you've ever seen in your life wrapped in luminous green vinyl. Hint: Napoleon Perdis is the scariest thing you've ever seen in your life.
  • All the modules, without exception, looked stunning. Kristy even had the fashion-foresight to wear Episode Six's beaver in her hair.
  • Henry Roth from Project Runway is so... so rectangular.
  • Apologies offered by contestants before the viewer voting lines are closed should be taken with a grain of bullshit.
  • Bryan McFadden is as relevant to an Australian modelling competition as traditional portraiture is to James Gleeson or, for the lowbrow amongst you, as horseriding magazines are to a proctologist's waiting room (right, Alexandra?).
  • I know listening to judge's opinions that we've all heard before, twice, should be interesting, but I'm momentarily distracted by insulation.
  • Demelza won. Meh.

I sat in the audience. I after-partied. I after-after-partied. I am SO good for gossip right now. I am SO not telling.

Next week, I go back to blogging about my own life, society's perceived injustices, and how sometimes dragging your chair back sounds a bit like a fart.

Thanks for reading.


Dale said...

And just remember kiddies, it was a moduelling competition afterall.

Nobody said you had to act like a human being, just look good on camera wearing stuff.

Anonymous said...

is that it??? are we getting a proper hilarious scathing write up when you're ready still??????

it's the LAST EPISODE jo! i was expecting something that'd get me through until ANTM 2009!!!

say it isn't so...

Anonymous said...

And whats this about gossip. PLEASE do tell.

Anonymous said...

More effort needed!

Jo said...

a) if I spill gossip, I'll never get invited anywhere. Not an ideal scenario for a blatant attention-whore, really.
b) More effort?!? That took me about six hours. I think I'm still drunk now.
c) You're freakin' welcome, you ungrateful bastards.

shellity said...


lozzy said...

you teaaaase!

PetStarr said...

Jesus you're good. The best I could come up with is comparing an abandoned cat to Cthulhu. Seriously. I'm going to have to put more thought in at some point (like, after everyone has stopped caring).

Anonymous said...

Can't you at least tell us if Demelza and Alamela had a showdown?
C'arn! Give me more. I need more!

Felix for Zosia said...

Why did they get Robin Williams to play the part of Henry Roth? I thought reality TV meant you didn't need actors.

Anonymous said...

for god's sakes girls (this is directed at you too petstarr, don't think you're getting away with it) i don't live in australia anymore, i can't watch the show on tv, if i do want to watch it i have to spend an uncomfortable and irritating couple of hours trying to get my piss poor internet connection to play it and so i DEPEND on you!!!

by not at least giving us all a good ol' juicey wrap-up like every other week (which, correct me if i'm wrong, but are the reasons you got invited to the finale in the first place?!) you are depriving me of my basic human right to lower my IQ by watching and criticising reality tv stars.


....or was this some sort of a trade-off?? did foxtel bribe you into not destroying their credibility further (between jodhi and demelza you'd be forgiven for wondering if there was any left to salvage) with this finale invitation...??

you've sold out!!

Grey Area said...

Always leave them begging for (now I have to get this right... is it less? Nup, I've got it now...) more.

Thanks Jo, you've had me in bits during this series.

Jo said...

Um... I didn't really watch the show on tv either.

And yes, Foxtel are paying me to keep quiet, because that's the kind of omnipotent oomph this blog has. It's about to become governor general.

Casino said...

Jo and Charlotte together doing a radio show. Thats what i wanna see/hear.
And i work in radio...i could make it happen...

It could be called "The Jo-lette Radio show" like using the word "Harlot" but with more venom in the tongue and more chunk in the trunk.

PS why was it easier to get Charlotte's autograph? I promise i won't sell yours on e-Bay Jo!

Francisco said...

OMG please give us something! D:

loyal fan said...


Anonymous said...

Very interesting. Two bloggers attend party. Hungover for close to two weeks. Lose power of written speech.