Dear Mrs Beckham,
Thank you for your recent application, however there are some issues which need to be raised with you before it can be processed:
- Our policy does not allow for nicknames to be used on application forms, hence your request to be registered as either "Posh Spice" or "Paris Hilton" has been denied.
- In the space next to "Sex", we can only accept one of two responses – either "Male" or "Female". Unfortunately we cannot accept "Innit".
- We require you to submit your measurements as they were pre-surgery, and preferably in numerical form. "Perfick" is unsuitable.
- In the "Comments" section, the board would like to thank you for your kind invitation, however we'll all be watching Foreign Correspondent instead. One of our members specifically requested that we relay his comment, that he would "rather watch It Takes Two than this day-old carpet-vomit" directly to you.
We invite you to re-submit your application before the deadline of five PM today (big hand on the twelve, little hand on the five).