Bum Cha

I had lunch in Chinatown with my mate Milly on the weekend.
I've mentioned my mate Milly before – she and I have shared a road trip, and she's the reason Henry Lawson doesn't return my calls.
Milly and I like words. And food. Words and food. And.. y'know - beer.
We started at Nine Dragons restaurant on Dixon Street, and continued on to the Chinese Cultural Club, which is most definitely a Place You Should Visit. It's just like an RSL or footy club, only with more brunettes and better snacks.

As a result of our Oriental Odyssey, a few new words, phrases and concepts have now been invented, and one conspiracy uncovered. It was a pretty good day's work:

· "Bum Cha" – this is what "Yum Cha" will be called from now on, because we were talking about bottom troubles whilst eating sesame prawn rolls. And because we are Paddlers in the Pond of Puerile. Bum Cha. Ha!

· "Describing A Vase" – this is what "Tai Chi" will be called from now on, because we couldn't decide which of the two a man on the street was doing.

· "Impatient Slap" – after watching a frustrated Chinese man playing the pokies for a while, and noticing that his pokie-button pushing was becoming more and more aggressive and violent, I said (louder than I meant to) "That's an impatient slap". Milly had to point out the horrifyingly ambiguous and racist undertones inherent in my comment. I sincerely apologise to all offended parties.

· "What's Uglier Than Dead?" – An important question, I think. Posed during a discussion about a dog that only won the World's Ugliest Dog competition because the previous, much, much uglier titleholder had died.

· "24-hour Cancer" – a good excuse for getting out of a day's work. Other suitable sickie-chucking ailments include 24-hour AIDS, 24-hour Amputation, and 24-hour Dead. I sincerely apologise to all offended parties.

· I Heart Chinese Jackie Onassis – Milly and I love a lady called Mary, who, dressed like Jackie O (including indoor sunglasses), worked her way slowly through a packet of Peter Jacksons whilst commentating loudly on her and others' poker-machine success. Words cannot express how endearing Mary is, and goddamn, can she drink soup.

· "I Pity The Foo Fighters" – Milly and I stared at each other, open mouthed, when we figured out what Dave Grohl has tried to keep hidden for years – Mr T inspired his band name. It only makes us love you more, Dave.

Milly and I would like to take this opportunity to thank the staff and clientele of the Chines Cultural Club for an entertaining and enlightening afternoon, and we encourage all Sydneysiders and weekend tourists to visit. But remember, as the sign says: "If you have enough please leave the club. You don't need to be told".