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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Sit On Myspace And Tell Me That You Love Me #5

Okay, okay, so I received this particular moist and poetic come-on via email, not Myspace, but come on. That title is the best pun I’ve ever used, and I’m clinging onto it like the last midget at a… a midget… capturing… party. Shut up. They have those.

If you need to catch up, you can read about how I’ve been relentlessly pursued by amorous digital suitors of all genders here. I guess they single me out because they heard I have a nipple-shaped birthmark on the top of my head. Extra nipple = value for money. It's simple economics. And sexy.

Except they didn’t single me out. The following email was sent to six people, all with the same first name as me. My new stalker is such. A slut. Here’s what she said, with my comments.

From: Lina

Sent: Friday 25 November 2011 5:10:04 AM


Okay, so you’re after someone good. I’m good. You’re after someone old. I’m… depends on your definition of ‘old’. You want someone ‘counrty’. I guess you’ve misspelled one of two words there, so I might be able to help you. But if you want a boy without apostrophes, you have come to the wrong place, Lina. I am a girl with many, many nipples apostrophes.


Privet? That’s a hedge. It’s a hedge. Although in this case I’ll just assume it’s a euphemism for pubic hair dressed up as a greeting, in which case I’ll respond with: Labia to you, my friend!

The greatest tragedy of life is not that the men perish, but that they cease to love.

Yeah, well I’ve got a bit of a policy that after they perish, I kind of leave them alone. There’s a bunch of laws relating to loving on after they’ve died, Lina.

There is an ocean between us, my honey, and I wish that it were not true, for every day when I awake I yearn to be with you.

You should buy your honey from somewhere else. Problem solved.

There are many miles between us, my love, though you are always here in my heart.

I get it. We’re a long way away from each other. Get on Skype and I’ll do you a little dance to take the edge off. They’re all my own moves, too, unless you’ve seen the music video for Michael Jackson’s ‘Bad’.

I feel you and imagine our first meeting under the starts.

Feeling me makes you spell badly? Maybe I should wax or something.

Every night beneath the silver starlight I pray for the day we will never part

That day is totally here! I promise you, we will never part. We will stay exactly as close as we are now forever and ever.

Sweet goodbye

Li N

Bye, darling. Or should I say: Privet!

I just can't understand why I only attract borderline-illiterate lesbians. It's probably my deodorant.

1 comment:

ergoproxy said...

I hadn't seen your blog before and was reading (via twitter & Cal Wilson)and came across this post and felt strangely connected to you.
Connected by attracting odd admirers!
I was the lucky (woo me!) recipient of not 1 but 2 random facebook messages of luuurve:

my name is DARREN am new here and was going through some list of profiles when i found yours.
i looked at it carefully and found out that we have lots in common,
especially in the area of loveley smile, which i seem to like, and its wonderful.
can i ask you something,have anyone ever told you how beautiful you are,
believe me when i tell you that you are one in a million.
i would certainly like to be a very good friend.
i will appreciate it if you just drop me a message.
thanks and have a bright day

I really liked DARREN who seemed incapable of using capitals anywhere but his name. Probably he was distracted by seeming to like 'loveley' smiles. He must have been checking very carefully as my profile is all private, but he sadly missed my appreciation of correct grammar and spelling but I did appreciate his ability to choose me as his one out of a million. Though I didn't drop him a message and I am sad he shall not be my very good friend, I did indeed have a bright day!

Then there was Powell:

"Powell Jones

Hi Pretty,I would want to say how exceptionally beautiful u look.your profile really caught my eye i would like to get to know you better. Were u created on the 7th day? U look like u were crafted from cedar wood or something better. I am new here and u are the first to tickle my fancy Kindly write me back....Powell"

Though Powell also seems to have some issues with capitals, and the letters "yo" I have never before been compared to a wood carving, I did like how he made sure that if I was anti-cedarwood (pffft f**king cedarwood!God,that cheap shit!!) I could fill in my own better medium for carving. I don't know if it was limited to wood, but I do quite like jade.
I do wonder how he was watching what my parents were doing for a week 45 years ago to know when I was created, because obviously God would have been resting so it wasn't him - unless I was an afterthought!
But unfortunately for Powell there is only one guy I will tickle the fancy of.
(even though he's never compared me to wood)