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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Australia's Next Top Westie Scrag Series Seven - THE FINALE

What? You’re still here? It’s over, you weirdos. Demelza won. Go home.

Oh, for the love of camel nipples, ALRIGHT. FINE. Have your frikkin’ recap, then. Sorry it’s late – I had to wash the champagne out of my frock and the taste of victory out of my mouth. Also, if any of you can tell me whose house this is that I woke up in, that would be AMAZING. But I think I maimed their dog.

Rather than painstakingly going through the finale episode with a fine-toothed comb like yoo-shoo-wall, I sat in my seat at the Opera House scribbling in my notebook, which seemed like a good idea at the time. That time before I opened my notebook this morning and found the phrase ‘IT’S THE GODDAMN OPERA HOUSE, BITCHES!!’ scrawled in capital letters across the top of one page with five pages of complete bollocks after it.

So basically, you’re getting bullet-points. Aaaand I’m making most of them up. Aaaand they’re not even bullets, they’re little dots. Seriously, ‘bullet’ is a stupider name than ‘Bindi’. Unless you’re a cowboy, I suppose. WHAT. WHAT. I HAD A LOT TO DRINK.

******

  • IT’S THE GODDAMN OPERA HOUSE, BITCHES!

  • Things there were lots of:
1. The word ‘journey’. It’s law that ‘journey’ has to be included in any reality television show final a minimum of six thousand times. I only counted eighty-seven. Pull your socks up, Australia’s Next Top Model.

2. The word ‘expensive’. Shiny Alex Perry is using it as punctuation now.
3. Montage packages. And also Liztage packages and Simtage packages.
4. Costume changes. I tried to write down descriptions of each frock, but they changed so quickly and often that I resigned myself to just writing ‘cloth’ in the margin. They were cloth. And there were many.
5. Short Stack songs. Sure, there was only one, but ask yourself how many is too many.

  • So Neo is wearing her wig again. That seems like a good decision. I made a decision that good once, and ended up with a papercut, a bag of dead mice, and a great story about cleaning fruit stains off the ceiling.

  • So Izzy has her pink hair back again. This actually is a good decision. Izzy with pink hair is like a monkey in a top hat and waistcoat – you don’t want to like it and it annoys the monkey and makes the waistcoat smell like a mixture of fleas, bananas and popcorn, but you just know it’s right.

  • Seriously. Short Stack are a lot of different kinds of shit.

  • Maddy wins the ‘Favourite Model’ prize! She also wins the ‘Concrete-Lacquered Hair-Helmet’ prize, but the trophy is too big to fit in the taxi afterwards. Shame.

  • Shiny Alex Perry and Charlotte Dawson, one dressed as Alex Perry and the other dressed by him, which thankfully worked out, were perched up in balcony seats for most of the show like Waldorf and Statler from the Muppets except that Waldorf and Statler from the Muppets don't wear sunglasses or say ‘knickers’.




  • I doubt she’d thank me for pointing it out, but Rachel still walks like a three-legged horse in cardboard shoes. Come to think of it, she probably would thank me.

  • The Harpers Bazaar shoot is like chocolate-coated cheese wrapped in sugared unicorns and orgasms.

  • I’m not even joking. Short Stack sucks dead hobo arse.

  • Doik Simone comes third. She’s used to coming third, though, as her boobs generally enter any room about seven minutes before she does.

  • NOBODY MENTION LAST YEAR’S FUCK UP. DO NOT MENTION IT. SHUT UP. DON’T EVEN.

  • Montana wins. This is as surprising as opening a book of teenage poetry and finding pages full of dreary emotional wank inside. But. Y’know. Congratulations and that.

There were two after parties, and I weasled my way (see: showed my wristband) into both. Highlights for me (and I’m sure there were different highlights for other people, but who am I, Gandhi? ) were:

  • My mate Shane made a bunch of Brigitte-Nielsen-heads on sticks. WITH EYEHOLES. Josh Flinn now owns one. I reckon I’m totally set for life now, because everyone loves eyeholes.

  • I accidentally called Teary Tayah ‘Teary Tayah’ to her face. I dunno, she looked a bit upset about it.

  • Caroline grabbed my arm and shouted across the room “MUM! MUM! This is the girl who called me an arsehole for six weeks!”. Her mum cupped her ear and shouted back “What? She designed your dress?”. I just nodded, because sure, I design dresses for arseholes now.

  • In return for calling her an arsehole for six weeks, Caroline threw a drink in my face. I HAVE WAITED FOR SOMEONE TO DO THAT FOR FIVE FRIGGING YEARS. Now all I need is a free Alex Perry frock and I can finally stop blogging forever.

  • Megan Gale swore.

  • I met some of you. That sounds like I’m getting soppy and stuff, including that as a highlight, all nawww she loves her readers and crap, but I’m specifically referring to the bit where you told me I was funny. Hugs are nice too, but come on – I would electrocute a hug in the bath for another compliment.

So now, with the last bit of alcohol-soaked brain that I scraped out of the bottom of my handbag, here’s the LAST VERSE of my country song summarising the series episode by episode. Things don’t have to have a point to be achievements. They just have to rhyme.

I’m huuuuuung
Over as fuck, so you’re out of luck, ‘cause I can’t be bothered rhyming;
So Montana won, and I already told you I’m not rhyming, so get stuffed.


But really. As Rachel would no doubt say over and over and over and over again, thank you. No, really, thanks for reading. Ta. Sorry. Thank you.

24 comments:

Mrs Woog said...

OK, So did she really throw a drink in your face?

When Short Stack came on I almost chundered. Woeful does not even start to describe whatever they were attempting to do on stage. Am going to start a blog called Bang Bang Sexy and just write about how shit they are. AND I HOPE THEY READ THIS. YOU WERE BEYOND TERRIBLE.

Calming down a bit now, may I just say that your blog was THE highlight of the ENTIRE series. You are gifted Miss Thornely.

I thank you.

Your obedient Servant

Mrs Woog

PS Wanted Liz to win. Liz if you are reading this, you were my favourite.

Jo said...

Yes, she really threw a drink in my face. There are photos of it somewhere. PHOTOS I VERY BADLY NEED.

Mark said...

Actually, to be honest, sorry, thank you JoTho for providing the LOL out louds with your recaps this season/cycle/period.

shellity said...

I've decided that being incoherent and shouty suits me, so:
WELL DONE THANKS YEAH THANKS SEE YOU NEXT YEAR EXPENSIVE LADY.

losfp said...

Another season draws to an end... this week has been twice as good because we got 1.5 sober-ish recaps. Good work Jo, and hope to read you again next year. STOP. There's Next Top Kiwi on soon? O. M. G. I'm set.

Eddi Frantz said...

YES! You MUST blog about the NZ one coming up(and it's actually kinda old- a repeat from one of the digital channels from months ago and all over the place online so you can watch eps in advance!) Don't even get me started on the US one. That will be practically compulsory...

oldmolevitriol said...

Um...who was Caroline? Obviously the off series/camera performance is what she may be remembered for in that case (I use 'remembered' loosely). You SO deserve an 'expensive' dress now, where do I sign the petition?

Marusya V said...

I think it is cruel to write such things about girls. It was serious for them. They all put so much effort in this competition. Abusing or calling names others is a sign of no culture and probably low self esteem. Discussing others is not funny.

shellity said...

Marusya, I'm going to go with no culture. Pretty sure it's not low self-esteem.

Claire said...

Did Megan Gale swear because some contractual
obligation to Foxtel prevented her from attending the casino opening party?

Anonymous said...

Ummmm how come Cassie didn't show? (*Waits for Jo's take on the question *)

Jo said...

*shrugs* *tries not to call anyone any names*

Anonymous said...

Marusya
What do they say about laughing at someone who is abusing and calls names?

Cause that describes me!

Jo, you're the shit

Short Stack were total SHIT.

I fast forwarded through their song. Why were they on the show??? Related to the big cheese?

Great winner but IMO not the best series we've had.

hoppy said...

I should have known better than to expect proper model photographing sensible episodes but then discovering Jo's blog thanks to Izzy was a joy. I thought that the finale was underwhelming and disappointing but then its now all chosen by popular 55c votes. Very relevant popularity contest... not.. Alcohol appears to have affected my browser thingy since it shows HTML tags throughout only this particular recap. I have no clue why. Tell us that you will blog on NZ Next Top Model and I will watch.
ps.
Caroline was not a happy camper then? that's a shame. Other modules took it on the chin and laughed along with you.

Anonymous said...

Jo thanks for your updates, I've enjoyed reading them. Very entertaining
But what a boring final, and poor Rachel looked so awkward walking on stage last night

Jo said...

In her defence, I practically begged Caroline to throw a drink in my face. Her aim is good, too.

kiloran said...

Duh, she works at a bar!
So sad this cycle is over but you've really outdone yourself and once you're sober again can glory in the adoration of your followers ^^
See ya next year (or sooner hopefully)!

Anonymous said...

Nooooooo how am I gonna live without you????

losfp said...

Huh - I noticed a distinct lack of Cassie too. And a disappointing lack of any sort of interaction with the eliminated girls - from memory last season they got them all on stage for a chat with SAP and CCD. The finale is always a letdown anyway, unless someone creates entertaining by ANNOUNCING THE WRONG WINNER. I was at the right live finale clearly.

Anonymous said...

Caroline is faboloso. Stunning model and clearly liked by all the girls in the house. It just makes me love her even more that she threw a drink in a hater's face. Diva!

Jo said...

Hater? I would tongue-pash this show if it had missing teeth, ulcers, and last night's steak in its mouth.

Ms Styling You said...

I'm here to tell you that I've not even watched a single episode this season (that would be the Pay TV budget cuts!) but I didn't need to because I had you, Jo. Can you please just make some shit up every Monday night so my life can continue as normal? Please.

hoppy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
hoppy said...

Oho! Caroline has a photo of the aftermath of the drink throwing on her Facebook page. Something strangely compelling in the moment shown!