Well the first episode of ANTM is more awesome than that. Except for the Statham/Franco bit, because have you seen them? My nipples pick up SBS just thinking about them.
I’m sure I’ll get all organised and crap as the series struts onward, but for now I’m SOIR FULL OF EMOYTION that I’m just going all stream-of-consciousness on your sweet arses.
Here, in brain-vomit format, are my thoughts on this, the ‘I Got Ninety-Nine Bitches And A Problem With None’ episode of Australia’s Next Top Model. Except I do have a problem with a couple of them. I know. Unusual.
To start things off, the modular hopefuls stroll into a barn, wondering what they’re in for, how many times they’ll say “Oh my god”, and what they could possibly all have in common.
Saint Sarah announces that the next three days will be a ‘boot camp’ that will whittle the modules down to just thirty, which causes Simone to be the first girl to be nicknamed by me this season when she says
“I thought it was literally gonna be boot camp, like fitness and stuff”.
Nice one, Simone. Your new name is ‘Doik’. Seriously, a vacuum would be lonely in her skull.
|Doik does this when she tilts her head so her brain doesn't drip out.|
We also meet Elizabeth, my tip for a winner (apologies, Elizabeth, but that probably means you’ll be out by lunchtime tomorrow), who forgets Saint Sarah’s name, and has trouble with the sentence “I’m interested in mental health”. I can’t imagine why.
|I can totes see my mental if I go like this.|
“I love fashion with a passion. That rhymes!”
“I’m an indiji-australian. Ah – I’m an indigenous person. Like, I’m aboriginal”
“Other than modelling I’d like to work in retail doing like somefing like Supre or Gucci or that”
“I’m a bit of a fashionista but I just like to be comfy sometimes too. I still like me joggers and stuff”.
If you say those four sentences five times in a row, a bluebird tattoo automatically appears on your left boob. Try it.
Charlotte Dawson and Shiny Alex Perry hurl golden nuggets from their insult-a-pault without even raising an eyebrow, because that’s a joke about Botox.
Amelia, who looks a little bit like a single alfalfa sprout, claims that while everyone else was reading Girlfriend magazine in year seven, she was reading Vogue. Amelia, everyone in year seven hated you. And apparently stole your lunch.
Caroline claims that she is not up herself. Caroline lies.
Hey, let me ask you something. Does this look familiar to you?
Yes? You remember that footage of Rosie crying with uncertainty? THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’VE SEEN IT FIVE TIMES. Five. I counted. What’s that? Oh... well, because I wanted to... I mean I was paying atten - SHUT UP, YOU ARE.
Eventually, fifty girls are given the arse, which is ironic due to that none-of-them-have-arses thing. They seemingly wander, bikini-clad, out of the barn into the night to hail a cab to Soul Crushed Street or Broken Dreams Avenue, and I think I totally just wrote a blues hit.
Morning image montage follows night-time image montage, and the girls are summoned back to the barn by Jez ‘Chest’ Smith at oh-my-fucking-god o’clock for day two of boot camp.
They’re told that they have five minutes in front of one of five different photographers at one of five different plain white sites, and Sesame Street was also brought to you by the letter four.
The twist? They have to chisel all their make-up off and go au naturale, which Doik assumes means ‘naked’. For Madeline, it practically is naked, as she undergoes a hearty face-spray by Dawson and chips the rest off with a broken plate.
|Okay, so she's not saying it here, but you KNOW she's thinking it.|
Saint Sarah says that Annaliese has ‘quite prominent teeth’, which is like saying that Piet Mondrian ‘kinda liked rectangles a little bit’ or, for the lowbrow amongst you, like saying ‘there’s a small chance that Ke$ha has chlamydia’. While I try to think of a nickname for Annaliese, let’s just ponder a little comparison, shall we?
Izzy of the pink hair does a spot of screaming to get into the phoytoy-shoot zone, while the rest of us immediately think of Aphex Twin’s Come To Daddy film clip, because tell me I’m wrong.
Another twenty girls are bumped off, which is ironic due to that none-of-them-have-bumps thing.
Everyone who gets through looks pretty happy, except for one. Teary Tayah.
|This is Tayah when she finds out she's in the top fifty.|
|This is Tayah when she finds out she's in the top thirty.|
|And this is Tayah when she finds out she's won a million dollars and the cheque is made out of chocolate and kittens.|
Caroline runs modelling and walking classes in the hotel hallway. There’s a reasonably excellent chance that Caroline is an arsehole.
Day three of boot camp brings the news that the scrags will be clomping down the runway in Alex Perry frocks, that people who can’t walk look like camels, roadkill or things laying eggs, and that the girls will be styled and assisted by Sylvester Stallone’s ex-wife Brigitte Neilsen.
|Tell me you see it. You see it, don't you.|
The girls all walk with varying degrees of success, ponytail-swings and pigeon toes, but I’m distracted by the bloody rubbish they let into fashion shows these days.
Finally, after what, eighteen hours of television, we find out who the top twenty are, as each module is told excruciatingly slowly in their best frocks whether or not they’ve made the cut. Elizabeth suffers from a lack of confidence. Caroline does not. Rachel says thank you. Tayah looks like she’s going to cry. Amelia is almost toppled by a gentle breeze. Izzy is told that she embodies ‘everything that is unique about a model’, which I assume includes having pink hair and a wipe-clean dress.
Then, with the traditionally scant budget and crappy production values we’re so used to on this show, the girls are told they’re all going to Paris.
RECORD SCRATCH SCOOBY-DOO NOISE WHAT?
Whatever the French word for ‘God’ is.
Frigging PARIS. That’s a whole other country. They have different words for stuff and everything. I know, because I read a jar of mustard once.
Now, before I go and watch this episode eight more times and then have a bath in it, I’ll let you know the new thing I’m doing this year.
Each week I’ll be summarising the episode by writing a verse of a country ditty, so that by the time the finale comes around I’ll have a whole song. Please tell everyone you know who plays banjo, because I may need them.
Standing in a barn and St Sarah has a yarn then there’s only one thing for it:
Clap and woo clap and woo clap and woo clap and woo if she thinks you’re fat, ignore it.
If you’re camera shy and you don’t know why then you know what you’ll be saying;
Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god it’s exactly like you’re praying.
Put your togs straight on, get your make up off, let me help you with this chisel;
We’ll eliminate the batch that aren’t up to scratch and you know that that’s for shizzle.
Now put on this frock – to the runway! Rock, wobble, step-ball-change and prance;
If you’re the chosen scrags, then pack up your bags, ‘cause you’re going to fucking France.