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Monday, August 08, 2011

Australia's Next Top Westie Scrag Series Seven #1

You know those days when you wake up with your hair already looking good, you find twenty dollars in your jacket pocket, you’ve lost four kilos overnight and you tongue-pash Jason Statham while James Franco waits his turn?


Well the first episode of ANTM is more awesome than that. Except for the Statham/Franco bit, because have you seen them? My nipples pick up SBS just thinking about them.


I’m sure I’ll get all organised and crap as the series struts onward, but for now I’m SOIR FULL OF EMOYTION that I’m just going all stream-of-consciousness on your sweet arses.


Here, in brain-vomit format, are my thoughts on this, the ‘I Got Ninety-Nine Bitches And A Problem With None’ episode of Australia’s Next Top Model. Except I do have a problem with a couple of them. I know. Unusual.

******

To start things off, the modular hopefuls stroll into a barn, wondering what they’re in for, how many times they’ll say “Oh my god”, and what they could possibly all have in common.

NICE BUNS.
 A shadowy figure appears, seemingly straight from a fundraiser for the Society For Shut Up About Last Year’s Finale Already, and the girls clap and say ‘Woo’, because OH MY GOD IT’S SAINT SARAH!




Saint Sarah announces that the next three days will be a ‘boot camp’ that will whittle the modules down to just thirty, which causes Simone to be the first girl to be nicknamed by me this season when she says


“I thought it was literally gonna be boot camp, like fitness and stuff”.


Nice one, Simone. Your new name is ‘Doik’. Seriously, a vacuum would be lonely in her skull.


Doik does this when she tilts her head so her brain doesn't drip out.
The first challenge for the girls is remembering how to spell their names, followed closely by a meet and greet with the judges for a bit of a question and answer sesh. It’s revealed that some of the girls are merely piles of chicken bones lightly dusted with veins and skin, some of them can belly dance, some of them are beatboxers, some of them are bat-shit crazy, some of them walk like they’re holding a buttered guinea pig between their thighs, and some of them were born under a tree. Honestly, can’t we just go one freakin’ series without a contestant who was born under a tree? God.

We also meet Elizabeth, my tip for a winner (apologies, Elizabeth, but that probably means you’ll be out by lunchtime tomorrow), who forgets Saint Sarah’s name, and has trouble with the sentence “I’m interested in mental health”. I can’t imagine why.



I can totes see my mental if I go like this.
 Now, you know we have to talk about Cassie, right? My prediction for her is that every single person on every single facebook page and forum is going to claim that Cassie is just there for entertainment value, and is not a model, blah di-blah. And to those people, I say THANK CHRIST FOR THAT. I mean come ON. If words were chewing gum jeans and menthol cigarettes, they would look like this:


“I love fashion with a passion. That rhymes!”

“I’m an indiji-australian. Ah – I’m an indigenous person. Like, I’m aboriginal”

“Other than modelling I’d like to work in retail doing like somefing like Supre or Gucci or that”

and
“I’m a bit of a fashionista but I just like to be comfy sometimes too. I still like me joggers and stuff”.


If you say those four sentences five times in a row, a bluebird tattoo automatically appears on your left boob. Try it.


Charlotte Dawson and Shiny Alex Perry hurl golden nuggets from their insult-a-pault without even raising an eyebrow, because that’s a joke about Botox.


Amelia, who looks a little bit like a single alfalfa sprout, claims that while everyone else was reading Girlfriend magazine in year seven, she was reading Vogue. Amelia, everyone in year seven hated you. And apparently stole your lunch.


Caroline claims that she is not up herself. Caroline lies.


Hey, let me ask you something. Does this look familiar to you?




Yes? You remember that footage of Rosie crying with uncertainty? THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’VE SEEN IT FIVE TIMES. Five. I counted. What’s that? Oh... well, because I wanted to... I mean I was paying atten - SHUT UP, YOU ARE.


Eventually, fifty girls are given the arse, which is ironic due to that none-of-them-have-arses thing. They seemingly wander, bikini-clad, out of the barn into the night to hail a cab to Soul Crushed Street or Broken Dreams Avenue, and I think I totally just wrote a blues hit.


Morning image montage follows night-time image montage, and the girls are summoned back to the barn by Jez ‘Chest’ Smith at oh-my-fucking-god o’clock for day two of boot camp.


They’re told that they have five minutes in front of one of five different photographers at one of five different plain white sites, and Sesame Street was also brought to you by the letter four.


The twist? They have to chisel all their make-up off and go au naturale, which Doik assumes means ‘naked’. For Madeline, it practically is naked, as she undergoes a hearty face-spray by Dawson and chips the rest off with a broken plate.


MUCH BETTER.
Amazonian Rachel has just one dimple that goes right through her face, and is only capable of saying one thing: ‘Thank you’. No, really – thank you. Thank you so much. Thanks. Thank you. Ta.

Okay, so she's not saying it here, but you KNOW she's thinking it.

 Saint Sarah says that Annaliese has ‘quite prominent teeth’, which is like saying that Piet Mondrian ‘kinda liked rectangles a little bit’ or, for the lowbrow amongst you, like saying ‘there’s a small chance that Ke$ha has chlamydia’. While I try to think of a nickname for Annaliese, let’s just ponder a little comparison, shall we?


Just saying.

 Izzy of the pink hair does a spot of screaming to get into the phoytoy-shoot zone, while the rest of us immediately think of Aphex Twin’s Come To Daddy film clip, because tell me I’m wrong.






Another twenty girls are bumped off, which is ironic due to that none-of-them-have-bumps thing.

Everyone who gets through looks pretty happy, except for one. Teary Tayah.



This is Tayah when she finds out she's in the top fifty.

This is Tayah when she finds out she's in the top thirty.


And this is Tayah when she finds out she's won a million dollars and the cheque is made out of chocolate and kittens.
 Every model is given a pair of heels and told to practice walking, because lord knows a young girl needs a chance to put one foot in front of the other and then repeat the process heaps.


Caroline runs modelling and walking classes in the hotel hallway. There’s a reasonably excellent chance that Caroline is an arsehole.


Day three of boot camp brings the news that the scrags will be clomping down the runway in Alex Perry frocks, that people who can’t walk look like camels, roadkill or things laying eggs, and that the girls will be styled and assisted by Sylvester Stallone’s ex-wife Brigitte Neilsen.



Tell me you see it. You see it, don't you.
The modules get into their mind-blowingly gorgeous frocks, hair and make-up, and I remind readers that the only reason I sit here writing this bollocks is to score myself a free frock. This is gonna be my year, I can feel it. THIS IS MY YEAR, MR PERRY.


The girls all walk with varying degrees of success, ponytail-swings and pigeon toes, but I’m distracted by the bloody rubbish they let into fashion shows these days.




Finally, after what, eighteen hours of television, we find out who the top twenty are, as each module is told excruciatingly slowly in their best frocks whether or not they’ve made the cut. Elizabeth suffers from a lack of confidence. Caroline does not. Rachel says thank you. Tayah looks like she’s going to cry. Amelia is almost toppled by a gentle breeze. Izzy is told that she embodies ‘everything that is unique about a model’, which I assume includes having pink hair and a wipe-clean dress.



Then, with the traditionally scant budget and crappy production values we’re so used to on this show, the girls are told they’re all going to Paris.


RECORD SCRATCH SCOOBY-DOO NOISE WHAT?


Oh.


My.


Whatever the French word for ‘God’ is.


Frigging PARIS. That’s a whole other country. They have different words for stuff and everything. I know, because I read a jar of mustard once.

******

Now, before I go and watch this episode eight more times and then have a bath in it, I’ll let you know the new thing I’m doing this year.


Each week I’ll be summarising the episode by writing a verse of a country ditty, so that by the time the finale comes around I’ll have a whole song. Please tell everyone you know who plays banjo, because I may need them.


Anyway:


If yooou’re


Standing in a barn and St Sarah has a yarn then there’s only one thing for it:


Clap and woo clap and woo clap and woo clap and woo if she thinks you’re fat, ignore it.


If you’re camera shy and you don’t know why then you know what you’ll be saying;


Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god it’s exactly like you’re praying.


Put your togs straight on, get your make up off, let me help you with this chisel;


We’ll eliminate the batch that aren’t up to scratch and you know that that’s for shizzle.


Now put on this frock – to the runway! Rock, wobble, step-ball-change and prance;


If you’re the chosen scrags, then pack up your bags, ‘cause you’re going to fucking France.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lolcano!! You are the best thing about this show Jo!

cazza said...

As a participant (top 50) you think i would be abusing you but this is hilarious! Good work I can't wait to read more.

Angela said...

This is gold.

shellity said...

RECORD SCRATCH CHUCK D VOICE ONCE AGAIN BACK IS THE INCREDIBLE

Izzy V said...

You're my new hero.

Humblehousewife said...

so Jo....finally do we see your face? just asking ;-)
PS madge is a cutie, as is Elizabeth... Caroline hmmm loves self much I think I would like to spill red wine on a white dress she may have to wear one day ( proper biatch thought!) Izzy must be very naturally firkin gorgeous to look that great with pink eyebrows and two tone pink/blue hair.
Anyway, that's my waffle for today and look forward to your next instalment next week

Ms Styling You said...

Jo, Mrs Woog and St Murphy said we should meet. I think they're right. You are HILARIOUS.

lisa said...

Nice ditty Jo, I don't play the banjo, but play a mean lagerphone if you need some back up.

I am going out on a limb and tipping Hannah Montana for the win.

What is with bogan Cassie's and this show? Cassie must be the Shazza of GenY.

What is with people and their inability to apply make-up? Do they have mirrors, do they realise they look better without it? I saw Madeline and thought of Marge Simpson and that she must have borrowed her make-up gun and also had it set on whore.

I am tres excited for Paris and look forward to them doing everything they can for our foreign relations in an ambassadorial sense.

Until next time.

Scrag out.

PetStarr said...

Jo FTW.

Friend or Foe? said...

What was going on with the modules' hands?

Friend or Foe? said...

Anyone notice the modules' creepy grey/blue/purple/red hands?

Friend or Foe? said...

Anyone notice the freaky hands attacking the modules in their photos?

losfp said...

Deliciously spot on as always Jo. I used to love Wednesday mornings' work avoidance blog-reading.. I guess I will learn to love Tuesdays now.

MrsThreaders said...

Hilarious as always Jo! Look forward to reading each Tues morn..

Jo said...

Best name ever, Mrs Threaders! x

Salsa said...

Jo, how do I get this Bluebird tattoo off?

PS: Oh mon Dieu

Jo said...

Sal I'm sorry, but unless you have the right scrubber, that tattoo's permanent.

Li said...

Jo, I totally love you - hilarious!

Arrjaydub said...

That uppity blogger mole in that picture is A STONE COLD FOX.

Danica said...

Bless you, Jo. Bless you.

LaurafromOz1 said...

This whole episode confirmed everything for me

One can have a pea size or amoeba brain and still model

There is hope....

QFT...in this blog:)

Cheers

Veggie Mama said...

This post is the best thing that's ever happened to me in my whole life.

RECORD SCRATCH SCOOBY-DOO NOISE WHAT? - AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *breathe* AHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Dusk said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Oh Jo... please run this country.

The best thing about AusNTM is you.

Dusk said...

Also... yes, what was going on with the modelinquents hands???

oldmolevitriol said...

JJBJM just catching up the series and your hilaire-ity....yay...best bit for me 'styling by Brigitte Neilsen' cacked myself off my stool.