I’m sick of making fun of models and the Kiwi accent.
From now on these New Zealand’s Next Top Model recaps will be respectful, analytical, and in good taste.
Oh my god. The modules are hanging from the sky. ES UF.
Okay, so I’m definitely throwing some points to Lady Tetro’s hairstylist this series. Last year whoever was doing her hair accidentally had their finger frozen into the ‘on’ position on a hairspray nozzle, presumably an unfortunate side-effect of travelling here by time machine from the early sixties. This year, the problem just seems to be big shoulders and ruching. Baby steps.
Again comparing Chris’s look this series to that of last series, I seem to remember a lot less hair and a lot more silhouetted nipple. MAKE WITH THE V-NECKS, SUNSHINE. Mama’s got some ogling to do. You could learn a lot from our own Jez “Chest” Smith in that respect, in fact I’d be happy to help video-tape the lessons. Also, apparently you said some stuff this week. Well done, I guess.
Oh, Colin Hyphenated-Surname. You don’t understand. Like the Lohan family, the weather in Antarctica and the Catholic church’s attitude towards condoms, I rely on you for extremes. And what do you bring me? A bit of wavy hair and a bow tie. So kind of halfway between this:
Which, admittedly, some would argue is halfway between losing your bicycle and watching porn, but only to the people who get that reference.
Put simply, Colin: get the crimper out or go home.
Don’t get me wrong – I know that Australians are hardly upstanding examples of talking good and that. It’s just that... well... we do tend to put the vowels in the right place. What I gather you were trying to say, though:
Denglung = What you’re doing in a harness for a photo shoot.
Unsane = Mintal. As in “Thus house us mintal. AAAAAIEEEEEE!!!!!”
Twust = Something unixpicted.
Kuss Of Dith Un The Undustry = calling your client’s clothes ‘dusgustung’ during a chellunge.
I Feel Like I Need To Be Punched = It feels like I’m dreamung.
Bellay = a dance discipline that apparently helps you look graceful when you’re hanging by the ceiling from your crotch.
Unduvudual Aviluations = That bit where the judges talk about you and stuff.
One can only assume that most of this week’s budget was blown on insurance. When most of the suspense in an episode comes from actually suspending the show’s contestants above things, you do up the danger a smidge. Hence the complete list of props used for episode two, itemised, is below.
One wooden ladder strung between two trees.
A painting of some clouds.
An electric fan.
Fifty-five woollen beanies.
• I think it’s safe to say that, as a hairstyle, the top-knot has now been done.
• In every Top Model series in every country every year, the modules are required to run through their new luxurious digs screaming at the top of their barely post-pubescent lungs. IT’S THE LAW. Non-screamers will be punished by being starved to death and forced to live with at least ten other emaciated bimb... oh. Oh, I see. One of the girls describes the house as being “This crazy indoor/outdoor mixture”. So... so your basic bricks then.
• I can smell bitch, and it’s not just because I haven’t changed my sheets in a while. Let’s keep an eye on Holly and Amelia, shall we? Meanwhile, Courtenay can keep one eye on the front door and the other one on the shed out the back. They’re some seriously wide-set eyes you have there, sweetie.
• I hope I’m not alone here, but with the exception of a few of the stand-out girls (the prettiest, the bitchiest, the twins, the oddest-looking and the stupidest), I seriously have no idea who any of these girls are. For now I think I’ll just refer to about eight of the modules as ‘the brunette one’. And of course to Aafreen as ‘Febreeze’.
• While the girls pose on a bit of wood in the woods, Colin Hyphenated-Surname makes up for his underwhelming attire with a few little pearls. To Dakota, he says “Don’t squat like you’re going to have a...” and then trails off. Going to have a what, Colin? A baby? An unexpected bowel movement? A look at yourself in a hand mirror? To Estelle, he says “Please don’t pee your pants. This lovely forest can’t turn into a rainforest”. I'm fairly sure Colin has been reading Proust.
• I just checked. Yep. Danielle’s still terrifying.
• I just checked. Nup. Still don’t get the twins.
An elimination occurs, and Estelle is given the ol' heave-ho. E haere ra, Estelle! I kind of remember who you are. You’re the girl who is eighteen kilos lighter than you used to be. Isn’t that amazing? Because now you only have to haul fifty or so kilos out the door.