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Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Urban Decay

Part 1: The Urban Office.

Back in March this year, my mate Russ and I took part in a charity music trivia night, because we're benevolent, knowledgeable, and much, much cooler than you.
As part of the festivities, the MC told us that taped under one chair at each table was a prize in the form of a 'new-release CD'. Naturally, we all scrabbled drunkenly beneath our arses to see if we'd won anything, and Russ let out a small yelp of delight as his probing hand hit pay-dirt.* Delight quickly became drop-shouldered disappointment as he raised his prize into view and discovered that it was, in fact, a Keith Urban Greatest Hits CD.**

Our first instinct was to just use the CD as a coaster, but Russ and I consider ourselves to be constructed of more creative stuff, and figured that would be just a mild insult. Having consumed a lot of music in our lives, and around sixteen jugs of beer in the last hour, we came up with a plan. A great plan. A plan that would take us across the country, across the world, and across the line that signifies that point at which other people get bored and stop.

We decided, since Keith Urban had inflicted so much pain on us throughout his career, that the least we could do was inflict some back. Our plan was to destroy the CD. Little by little. Over the space of a year.

Also, later that night, Russ encouraged me to drink a shot by yelling "JUST TAKE IT, BITCH!!" at the top of his voice. It's not really relevant here, though.

First, we needed to document Keith in his pristine form:

See? Keith even sends Keith to sleep.

That is, before five different people drew all over him:
Now there's an over-achieving silhouette.

Then we thought we'd invite Keith along to our usual Friday after-work drinks on the balcony of our office building. See, if a lesser human than Keith were to jump off this balcony, they'd probably break a bone or two. Not Keith.

Russ does 'goblet of country/western'

He just got a little chipped.

Wanna chup, bro?

After his little fall, we gave Keith a drink (to go with his chips), and asked other workmates to make him feel welcome.

This could totally be in a magazine.

One offered him a cigarette.
Keith was the butt of all jokes.

Another gave him a makeover.

We found it really widened his eyes.

Amanda gave him a tattoo.

Everyone really warmed to him.

It's a disco inferno. Without the disco.

We even bought him dinner.

We got both kinds. Ham and pineapple.

Then we had a break and made a tower out of beer bottles. I think we deserved it.

You wish, Russ.

Stay tuned for further Urban adventures, in which Keith goes interstate, international, and in the water.
This is the start of something special.

* Wow. I should totally look into writing porn.

** Hi, Keith Urban's record company. Keith Urban is great, and people should buy lots and lots of his CDs.


Felix for Zosia said...

Can you please make Keith Urban go suburban? I would like to see what he gets up to when things like a Hills Hoist are on the cards...

nat said...

Keith Urban is my favorite country-pop artist! The reason? you never hear his music. Never!

Ed Kavalee, of radios MMM Get This program with Tony Martin, use to run a segment, "Urban or 6 year old poetry", where he would read out either Urban lyrics or primary school poetry and people had to guess which was which. It was very hard. (if you want to sample such fine work you can find it hear... - its under "the ultimate urban sessions)

I have actually been known to lay a 20 on the table at the pub for anyone who can recite some Keith Urban for me. Yet to be taken!

*Did you know if you type Youtuber into the google, the first 6 results are just links for youtube. Google/Youtube have become so arrogant they don't even go to the trouble of "Did you mean Youtube".

kiki said...

you emailed me this months ago...

Jo said...

felix - there's plenty more in store. Keith really gets around.

nat - you're a fount of "knowledge". And "references".

kik - I'm lazy, and you're special.

kiki said...

i know both of these facts

TimT said...

That beer bottle tower is a wonder to behold! As more beer is drunk, and as the tower becomes higher, it becomes less and less likely. I'm surprised you managed to build it up to that height without it collapsing.

Anonymous said...

ahem... are you busy with work or something?

missy vas said...

This is gold - but then again everything you write is....

I just had a thought. Its no wonder that baby of Nic and Keefs is an engel - they just play some of daddys music and she just nods off. Noice...