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Tuesday, August 14, 2007

You Had Me At "Tooheys" #5, or This Week's Pick-Up Line

Subtitle: What's A Scrawny Raving Freak Like You Doing In A Nice Place Like This?

Whilst waiting for My Mate Milly last night en route to an artsy magazine launch (because we're proud, proud media wankers), I grabbed a beer and a crossword and perched at a table at the Three Weeds in Paddington.
I was halfway through entering the word "tarragon" as the answer to 3-down, when a young gent, skateboard under arm, sat down and didn't introduce himself.
Sipping his water, he started quite well, saying that I looked like a strong, secure, beautiful girl – words which any young woman enjoys hearing at any time.

Unfortunately it all went a bit pear from there.
He started rambling. It all really came at me in a speedily-expressed, unpunctuated rush, but I'll try to capture the key points:

· He believes in the power of positivity. Any time I disagreed with him, I was apparently "embracing negativity".

· On the way out tonight, he gave a girl on the train a box, and promised her bananas and pineapples.

· One of his parents was in the military, and the other was in the ministry. He thinks Jesus might be okay. He's very spiritual.

· He asked me to define 'love'. I said "That's like trying to define 'funny'". He said "Love is power. Love is dolphins. Love is rainbows". I argued that he was just describing love, not defining it. He said I was embracing negativity.

· He used to drink and take drugs and be bad, but he's trying to be good now. Because his mum came to stay, so he doesn't hate her anymore.

· He thinks he'd make an excellent television star.

· He's a musician, and when he's famous, I'll see that I was wrong about him. Would I like to hear one of his songs? No. How about just some of the lyrics, then? More dolphins.

· He wasn't forthcoming with his age, but apparently I look great for mine. But I shouldn't call myself an "old bitch". That's embracing negativity, see.

· He's still in love with a girl after nine years, so he's clinging onto that dream. I should cling onto mine.

When Milly finally arrived, he got up to leave, stopping to ask a final question. "Milly," he said, "Why do the stars shine?".

"Because they're on fire", said Milly.

I would normally shoo away a raving nutter who invites themself to my table mid-crossword, but he was harmless enough, so I indulged him. Every now and again, you have to stop and smell the dolphins.


redcap said...

Wow - you get the classy pick-up attempts. I haven't had one in so long I can't even remember what it was. Oh hang on! I can! It was a guy dressed as a cowboy who was wearing a hubcap as a belt buckle. It was only my leopard print hipster crushed velvet flairs that attracted him, anyway. And he lost interest when he discovered I couldn't dance. He, on the other hand, did quite well despite the hubcap.

zzymurgy said...

If more people embraced negativity, maybe it wouldn't be so down in the dumps all the time.

Jo said...

I would embrace negativity more, except he smells like dolphins.

shellity said...

When this guy said he used to take a lot of drugs, how recently do you think that was?