You know when you order a chicken sandwich, and you get a processed-chickenesque-sliced-lunch-meat sandwich?
Or when you're excited about a party all week, and you show up, and there's only three of you there, and the music's shit and the scallops are off?
Or when you turn up at a high school reunion, and the hottest guy in your year, who introduced you to The Cult's Electric album and sat next to you in assembly, turns out to be a balding retail assistant with light grey shoes?
This week's episode was a recap episode.
This means revisiting each eliminated module's "journey" and their individual reasons for getting arsed, and a handful of ANTMNSBMs (America's Next Top Model Never Seen Before Moments, obviously) which clearly would have been included in previous episodes if they were at all interesting enough.
Pffffft. Whatever. If I'd just been walked home by this episode, I'd be telling it I had an early meeting right now. It's the You Spin Me 'Round (Like A Recap) episode of America's Next Top Model.
· ANTMNSBM #1: The Catwalk. The newly-ensconced residents of the Module Mansion dress up as each other and bung on a catwalk farce on the in-house runway. Two clear highlights, being Natasha dressed as Kathleen in fuzzy afro and black-face, and Cassandra (who?) dressed as a "fictional" Russian model called Ivanka, whose motto is "Ears open, mouth shut".
· ANTMNSBM #2: I Know You Are, But What Am I? Renee describes Jael as a "female Kramer" and compares her to a haemorrhoid. My housemate describes Renee as "obviously the result of an abusive upbringing involving caravans". My housemate wins.
· ANTMNSBM #3: Chipped Beef, Chopped Liver. The worst injury we've seen so far this series is a touch of scalp redness caused by Brittany's crappo synthetic roadkill weave. This week, however, we're presented with a horror gallery of mangled flesh and gore, as previously un-reported injuries and deformities are dragged up off the cutting-room floor. Yay! A hairdresser, through the medium of a red-hot curling wand, gives Natasha third-degree burns on her ear. After cupping mounds of ice-cream in her hands during the 'Candy' photo-shoot, Cassandra is rushed to hospital with frostbite. Natasha has a toothache, and without any anaesthetic ("I can't take the medicine because it make me feels sleepy"), we see the dentist yank the offending peg from her skull to the soundtrack of yelps of Slavic agony. See, this modelling caper is dangerous somethin' chronic.
· ANTMNSBM #4: Forever Twirling, Merner Maka. We're treated to a Jael hula-hoop montage, and I have to say it's impressive. Ankles, knees, arse, waist, ribs, arms and neck are all utilised in a dynamic display of twirling and tossing, and I'm left wondering how someone who can make such beautiful physical music with the help of simple plastic circles can sound like such a bedraggled homeless scribble as soon as she opens her gob.
· ANTMNSBM #5: Upside Yo Haid. Dionne tires of Renee's Festival of Fakeness, and the two girls start an argument that escalates speedily towards chest-bumping and bitch-slapping. Dionne is extraordinarily convincing as Ghetto Warrior, and Renee is hilariously farcical as Trailer-Park Bruiser. My favourite quotes in this segment include Dionne's "Y'all just do not seem like y'all real", and Felicia's "Please don't let this be a bloodbath up in hee-yah". American fighting trash is so much more colourful than Australian fighting trash. "Fuck off, mole" just doesn't cut it for me anymore.
· ANTMNSBM #6: Bursting Through The Hygiene Hymen. Bitches is pigs. We're treated to unnecessarily close-up images of the disgusting brothel that the Module Mansion bathroom has become, including used cotton buds and clumps of gluggy hair collected in every available drain. Renee and Natasha get on their hands and knees (insert hackneyed fellatio joke) and scrub and scrub (again…) until everything glistens ("…"), and Renee leaves a note on the mirror which reads "If you don't have a friend in here, make all-purpose cleaner your best friend". Arsehole.
· ANTMNSBM #7: Have Fried Chicken, Will Impersonate. Our modules dress up as the judges and conduct a mock elimination. I'm momentarily distracted by safety scissors.
· ANTMNSBM #8: Smoke Some Crack, Break Your Mother's Back. During the family visits, we discover that Jael has a spooky affinity with children, and can entertain them and herself for hours by just crumpling up pieces of paper. I have many possible jokes about this, but will refrain completely. Suffice to say: Zing!
· ANTMNSBM #9: Throw Some Borscht On The Barbie. In her Sydney vox-pop interviews, Natasha signs off to camera by stating confidently "Ah'm bringing saxy back to all the Ossie blardgers!". God help me, I love this woman.
That's it, really. I can't be expected to be too enthused and lyrical about a recap episode when I was promised an actual episode where actual stuff happens. If I wanted to have high expectations only to be disappointed by half-arsed under-delivery, I'd just date a musician.
Next week: Stuff that's never happened before. Apparently.