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Monday, August 27, 2007

Naughty Panda: An Introduction.

My brother Mike lives in Broome with his girlfriend Naomi.
For the geographically-challenged, Broome is the most isolated town in Australia, up near the top left-hand corner. It's known to many as the 'Gateway to the Kimberley', and to me as 'Place So Stupidly Gorgeous A Little Bit Of Wee Comes Out'. It's idyllic somethin' awful, it never gets cold, and the only noise to keep you awake at night is the sound of mangoes thumping to the ground from everybody's backyard tree. Plus, they have beer.

There is, however, a sinister force at work in Broome, and its name is Naughty Panda. Naughty Panda lives at Mike and Naomi's house, and he is, by way of understatement, Not Like Other Pandas.
At first, most people think Naughty Panda is simply an innocuous hand-puppet. I say he's the result of an evil distillation process that involves collecting evil juices from the rotting carcasses of dead despots, concentrating them, and putting them in a sinister-looking bottle. Or, y'know – like Bindi Irwin.

You never know when Naughty Panda will suddenly appear with a havoc-wreaking twinkle in his cold, dead eyes. Like, you could be just taking a stroll on a grassy hill…

When suddenly….

Imagine the terror.

Mike and Naomi often keep me up to date with tales of Naughty Panda's activities, and on every occasion I'm shocked and saddened that such diabolical badness can besmirch the red-soiled, blue-watered paradise that is Broome.
He's even tried blackmail, sending threatening emails and attaching photographs of what might happen to Mike and Naomi's personal items should they not come through with the goods:

-----Original Message-----
Naughty Panda []
Sent: Monday, 11 June 2007 5:57 PM
To: Naomi, Mike
Subject: i no were you liv

i want

1 millyon bucks

and a hellicopta

or els

you no wot.

Kind regards,


It's getting to the point where Mike and Naomi can't leave the house at night, for fear of what may await them upon their return:

Even religious holidays are no longer sacred. The joyous practice of giving chocolate rabbits at Easter? Just an opportunity for meddling, disguise, and brutal decapitation for Naughty Panda:

Mike and Naomi have now renamed Naughty Panda "Terry", in the hope that a more benign (and, frankly, poncy) name might help modify his deviant behaviour.
Only time will tell.
I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, lock up your liquor and buy pants for your soft toys. This kind of evil travels.


gigglewick said...

hee hee hee.

I mean,

* quakes with fear *

* checks door locks *

Rach said...


love it

missy vas said...

you are a funny lady - but you knew that...

gordon said...

Dear readers,
I would just like to point out that Naughty Panda is indeed an anomaly in the Panda world. Please don't let the actions of NP besmirch your opinion of Pandas on the whole.

silly kitty said...

the diabolical (edited) bear... he got into the chocolate O.o

Swing-towner said...

Dear Naughty Panda,

You do know Broome is a swing town, don't you?

From a Swing-towner.