America's Next Top Model Series Seven #8

I have a feeling we've been here before – or, as Miss Jay might say, I have a sense of gay ja vu. Just when we're starting to get to the pointy end of ANTM, and we're getting all excited about the possibility of seeing some actual modelling, nervous breakdowns and knife-fights, instead of a brand new episode we're hit with a flashback show, reminding us of what's happened in the last seven weeks. And some "Never Before Seen" (NBS) footage. It's like they think we have Alzheimer's and low standards. They're only half right. With some emerging themes and footage not deemed worthy of screening previously, here's the 'Bust A Recap In Yo Ass' episode of America's Next Top Module.

· NBS 1: Charlie the stylist and Sutan the campest make-up artist in the world visit the Module Mansion in week one, and ask the girls to bring out their luggage and show them their clothes so they can pick through and ridicule them. Not humiliating enough, you say? Charlie drags in a garbage bin emblazoned with the words "Fashion Trash" (when a picture of Janice Dickinson would've done just as well), and disposes of any truly offensive items. "This is hideous", says Charlie of one of Caridee's tops, and throws it in the bin. "That was my mom's", says Caridee. Anchal is accused of having too many rhinestones, and Monique's satanic sensibilities are roused when her god-awful spangly boots are tossed, and she objects loudly. Those boots were made for squawking. Melrose is given an A-plus for her style. I'm giving her a "See me" for her irritating, vacuous grin.

· NBS 2: Charlie and Sutan take the girls to Skyla, a relatively non-descript clothes shop, and give them five minutes to shop for "model basics". These are, apparently, a short mini, nude bra & undies, a big bag, a tank top, jeans, a scrunchie, sneakers, and a black cocktail dress. Commence scab-grab. This segment didn't make it to broadcast the first time around because it's as interesting as looking at masonite. On the smooth side.

· Emerging Theme 1: Monique Is A Nutjob. Seriously. The girl's a danger to society. If she wasn't so skinny, she'd be a Big Fat Psycho. We're reminded of her lilting, high-pitched, seemingly Quaalude-influenced voice – think Meg Tilly with a larynx full of helium and a head injury – and her complete disregard for the rules of normal human behaviour. Can't find the packet of chips you want in the cupboard? Don't just pick another packet of chips. Punish ALL modules by dragging all the packets of chips in the entire house onto the kitchen floor, stamping on them, and then chucking them in the bin. Don't have adequate brain cells to actually argue with your housemates? Just repeat everything they say in spooky falsetto. Monique says to camera "Nice Monique is out the freakin' window. Bitch has came in". Word.

· Remember Christian, the first girl eliminated? Me neither.

· NBS 3: Megg's Rock N' Roll Breakdown. During the Extreme Hair photo-shoot, Megg the groupie skank gets upset, and cries to Jay: "Like, I usually like to be myself, and like, get into my heavy metal music – it like, helps me model". Yep. She won't get out of bed for less than a Slayer CD. I'm skipping through the meadow of skepticism, though – do people who like "heavy metal music" really call it "heavy metal music"? If she was a true devotee, it would just be "Meddawl!". Honestly, pet. She snuffles, wipes her nose, and then adds weepily "I just wanna play some bongos, man". Yep. Bongos. The cornerstone of metal. Back at the Mansion, Megg fashions a drum kit out of flowerpots, boxes, and twigs, and thrashes herself some happy. She finishes gleefully to camera with "Today I made some bongos", which brings me to….

· Emerging Theme 2: Megg Is Missing A Chromosome. Her mouth hangs open most of the time. She has trouble forming sentences. She has trouble forming sentences without constant use of the words "like", "man" and "rawkenroll!". She was chosen to be the bearded lady in the circus freak shoot. She summons her inner model with Black Sabbath. Bongos make her happy. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… the genetic equivalent of a potato.

· NBS 4: A tiny sparrow accidentally flies into the Module Mansion, causing widespread panic, terrified arm-flailing, and mirror-shattering screams. For the sake of comparison, I'd really like to see a hungry wolf wander in one time, just to watch the frenzied carnage. Is that mean?

· NBS 5: A Yoga instructor leads the modules in some "free dance", that is, she blindfolds them and tells them to improvise some organic dance moves about the room. Absolutely no point to this aside from my own personal entertainment. This will be a game played at every party I ever throw or attend from now on. Possibly nude.

· NBS 6: I don't want to surprise anyone, but Jaeda seems to be packing more than just a robust set of testes – she has a personality! The modules all gather for a spot of impromptu role-play (and it's just wacky that the camera's there to catch it), and pretend they're at an elimination. Jaeda plays Tyra and, despite not wearing something three sizes too small and gurning like an institutionalised gum-chewer, she does an astoundingly accurate impersonation. All the dryly dramatic catch-phrases are there: "Eight beautiful girls stand before me", "The first name I'm going to call is…", "I only have One. Photo. In my hand", and then, at the climactic bit, just when we find out who's eliminated…. she emotes "The girl who is still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model is…." , and I'm marvelling at how realistic Jaeda's impersonation is, and everyone's holding their breath to see who goes, and…. and….. CARIDEE DROPS HER GUTS. A great, big, loud fart, like someone quickly tearing a big sheet of corrugated cardboard in two. It's brilliant, and there are tears glistening in my admiring eyes, which brings me proudly to:

· Emerging Theme 3: Caridee Rocks, Like, Way Hard. She looks good all the time. She's hilarious. She's witty. She's pretty. She's cool. She's down-to-earth. All the modules love her. All the judges love her. She takes ah-some photographs. She farts like a constipated brickie. What in Nigel's name is there not to love?

· Emerging Theme 4: Jaeda Is A He-Woman. As this is a flashback episode, we're treated to a number of pre-makeover scenes, and I'm surprised to admit that Jaeda actually makes an okay-looking girl. With her long hair hiding her steroid-abuse-neck, jaw and shoulders, she passes for Junior Female Body-Builder, rather than Big Bloke With Tennis Balls Down Shirt. Bah to you and your makeovers, Tyra. The girl had a chance, pre-butchering.

· Emerging Theme 5: Melrose Is An Irritating, Bum-Sucking Crawler. I hadn't really noticed before, but Melrose wins nearly every challenge. I actually consider this a good thing. Come her inevitable elimination, her indignation and shock will likely be that palpable that she'll come all unstuck and Release the Postal Worker Within. Let's give her a false sense of security now. Build her up, buttercup.

I feel cheated. Damn you, recap episode. You're a sorry excuse for a show. You're Skipper to new episode's Barbie. Terri to new episode's Steve. Carob to new episode's Chocolate. You suck, recap episode.

Next week, we have the same stuff we were promised last week, before we knew we'd be hoodwinked with a recap show, but I'm still coming up with different rhyming words because I'm a slave to my own desperate desire to look clever: a photo-shoot with racecars, some simulated sky-diving, and a Melrose/Anchal war. Driving. Diving. Conniving.

It'd better be good. Mummy wants some drama.