America's Next Top Model Series Seven #5

Freaks.
I love a world in which a prosthetic elephant's trunk can be earnestly discussed as a fierce fashion accessory. It makes the drought, terrorism threat and cost of bananas just that much easier to bear. Brought to you this week by Rick James, it's the "Kind You Don't Take Home To Mother" episode of America's Next Top Module…

· Brentwood becomes Roswell as our girls commence the autopsy of recently-departed Monique, which can be succinctly summarised as "Ding, Dong the Witch is Dead". Nobody is sad to see the back of her, but we can see Hydra-esque signs of another ugly, loathsome head growing in her place. Are we ready to hate Melrose? Yes'm, we are.

· Thanks to "reality" television, society has busted the myth that when a bunch of girls get together at bedtime they all nude up and have pillow-fights. Sssshyeeah. As if. Everybody knows that what they really do is nude up and all pile into the one shower to giggle and scream. At least, that's what bunches of wanna-be modules do when they let off steam, and there's at least one tight-undied cameraman who can vouch for that. The still fully-clad and dry Melrose objects, claiming that the soapy shower shenanigans are stopping her from getting her three measly hours of beauty sleep. Megg, predictably and tiresomely, comments through her jutting dentures that all she wants to do is "rock and roll and have a good time". Her only endearing feature glimmers when she punctuates this with "bitch".

· Jaeda philosophically laments about her new look, saying that she notices people staring at her trying to figure out whether she's a "boy that's girly, or a girl that's boy-ey". I do have a soft spot for the poor girl, but I still think she looks like a man who ate another, more muscular man for breakfast.

· Anchal worries about how comparatively voluptuous she is, saying she has a tummy and breasts, surprisingly not also mentioning her great big arse. The impact is lessened somewhat by the fact that she's frying four eggs in lard as she's saying so.

· A Tyra Mail sends the modules to a studio, where they're met by ex-module and Canada's Next Top Model judge Stacey McKenzie, or as I'm calling her, 'Get The Broom! It's Hideous!' I know I may occasionally throw the odd blasphemous obscenity around, but Jesus. H. Christ. What a scary-looking motherf*cker. I vaguely remember her as one of the stewardesses from The Fifth Element, but that was before the frizzy Mohawk and talking-through-a-plastic-pipe man-voice. Bloody Hell. A contortionist appears who talks to the girls about "extreme posing", and he demonstrates by suddenly becoming Very Bendy Indeed. Part yoga, part "Look! Here's My Testicles!", our modules look on with increasing horror. Except Melrose, who exercises her tiresome talent for discussing herself and announces that since she does yoga, she'll probably be excellent. The girls don leotards and proceed to pretzel themselves under instruction. Anchal proves to be the Bendiest In The Land, and I'm forced to comment again about the almost disturbing size of her rack.

· Melrose isn't happy. Anchal stole her bendy crown, and she's pissed. She starts digging into Anchal about how she shouldn't moan about not being skinny if she's going to sit on her arse eating eggs all day. Anchal, as is her habit when she's awake, gets upset, and Melrose claims she's just trying to help by "telling her the reality of the situation". Because they're all in this competition to help each other. Just like a pack of rabid mastiffs in a pit are all there for some supportive, sharing roleplay.

· The inhabitants of the Module Mansion have divided themselves into two groups – the Misfits, consisting of girls like Melrose, Eugena, Brooke, Jaeda and the Twins, who are probably social pariahs in the outside world and all bitter and twisted about it, and the Chooffers – otherwise known as Chicks Who Smoke, consisting of Caridee, AJ, Anchal and Megg. The Chooffers, despite being a bit more emotional and the type of people who would want to willingly hang out with Megg The Rock Groupie Skank, are my favourites, partly because I probably would've wanted to be in their group at school, and partly because of behaviour displayed during this week's Inarticulate Bitchiness. The Misfits are all crammed into the spa (not difficult with a body-fat count in the negative), and Melrose starts an Anchal Personality Assassination Session, taking care to give the English language a good working over as well, stating "At first I thought she was one of the stiffest competitions here, but now she's not". She continues to waah waah about Anchal's insecurities and wobbly bits, unaware that the Chooffers are listening intently from the balcony above. Anchal, because she's breathing, has another snotty cry, and AJ comforts her with the awesome "I've got your back, honey". Dig that girl. And don't think for a second she couldn't hold her own in a scrag brawl. She's badass.

· Megg has a nose like a burst barbecue sausage. There. I couldn't keep it to myself any longer.

· The Modules are corralled to a joint called "Oasis" for dinner, and there is a place set at the table for a "special guest", which turns out to be Twiggy. Woo. She gives a bland speech in aviator sunglasses about how posing styles have changed over the decades, and emphasises the need for the girls to be themselves and innovate. I love Twiggy, but I'm kind of more interested in cleaning crumbs out of my keyboard right now. Melrose, sensing an opportunity to talk out of her own sphincter, manages to bogart all of Twiggy's attention with tales of herself and how fabulous they both are. Caridee, to camera, cements herself as my possible future bridesmaid as she comments upon the hilarity of watching Melrose ingratiate herself with guests, saying "it's funny to see her stick her nose right up their arse". After Twiggy leaves, Melrose gushes, completely oblivious to the irony, that "Twiggy is huge".

· Another day, another Tyra Mail, and the modules haul bony arse to the 'Fashion District' to meet Bao Tranchi, a quirkily-quiffed fashion designer who has apparently invited some guests to come and view her creations in 'human art installations' for this week's challenge. She asks the modules to "please contort yourselves", and gives them each an outfit and a piece of jewellery to wear whilst balancing precariously on top of pedestals. Fashion: ten points. Make-up: ten points. Hair: Buy That Man A Beer. All the girls look brilliant with the exception of Melrose, whose hair is combed and co-erced into a kind of follicular gimp mask. Nothing she says in this segment can be taken seriously now. Nothing.

· The modules assume their angular positions atop the pedestals – Caridee comments that she feels "more like art than a model", and Brooke says wide-eyed that she was "shaking like Jello", making it sound like she's reading from the side of a cereal packet after dropping some MDMA. Eugena the Boring is, for once, not boring at all, and rocks it. Melrose is confident for a change, Twin Michelle looks like she's intentionally giving the audience an opportunity to smell her arse, and Jaeda looks like Manly Lego. Megg is uggly. But we know that. In her new guise as Not-Quite-So-Boring-Anymore, Eugena wins the challenge, and is presented with the $35,000 worth of jewellery all the modules wore for the challenge. She is, as they say in her 'hood, Buggin'.

· After the challenge, with her stupid hair-mask still in place, Melrose gives the girls a quick modelling lesson, subtitled How To Be A Wide-Eyed Twat. Making her usual abortion of the mother tongue, she states "I wish I woulda had a bit more smile. There's two faces – this (setting her jaw and looking constipated), and this (setting her jaw and looking slightly less constipated). See the difference? That'll sell an outfit". Yuh-huh. As long as that outfit has sleeves that tie at the back, you might be right, honey. The other modules stare in disbelief at the condescending pile of self-engrossed tendons standing before them, and collectively all think the same thing: "Shut" and "Up", although I think AJ might have tentatively added "Or I'll knife you in the colon". Because she's badass.

· Tyra drops in on the Module Mansion like a flame-grilled Whopper for one of her infamous pep-talks. She starts with "Everyone's all happy and smiley because I walked in here" proving that ego might in fact be directly proportional to back-fat, and continues with "Let's talk about fear and insecurity", after which Melrose, in a surprise akin to finding a Rice Bubble in a box marked "Rice Bubbles", talks about herself for a day and a half. Not getting the dirt she wants, Tyra marches straight to the nub of the business by asking if there are any "interpersonal" problems in the house. Melrose again talks about herself, and Anchal, in another breakfast-cereal-esque surprise, has a bit of a cry. She tells Tyra how she overheard Melrose dissing her in the Jacuzzi, and moans that she was an ugly child who never had any friends. Melrose looks momentarily sheepish before becoming distracted by her hair, and seems happy to have been pigeon-holed as "The Mean One".

· Photo-shoot time, and the modules are dragged out to the middle of nowhere and met by Mr Jay at a creepy-looking circus. Today the girls will be dressed as underwear-clad turn-of-the-century circus freaks and photographed, which is why this show should be prescribed in tablet form. Everyone is introduced to the editor-in-chief of Seventeen Magazine, Atoosa Rubenstein, who will be observing today's shoot, and I must say that for an irritating woman with a name straight from Jewish Pokemon, she don't arf come up with some choice comments.

· AJ is "Cannibal Lady" with blood on her chin, posed in a cage with raw meat and scrappy bones. Despite the carnage, she looks fabulously angular and cool. Brooke is "Rubber Girl", but comes off decidedly un-rubbery, the Twins are predictably posed as "Siamese Twins" and as usual scrub up quite norse with big hair, big eyelashes, and a time-share forehead. Megg is, joyously, "Bearded Lady", and comments unnecessarily "Dude, I have a beard. I've never seen myself with a beard before". Dude, why would you have? She looks truly awful, and poses like a grey rag soaked in custard. She gets upset about "over-thinking" her poses, and sheds a few rock n' roll tears. Caridee is "Elephant Lady", and has the aforementioned prosthetic trunk glued onto her face, and if she's not the hottest parasol-toting pachyderm ever to be caught on film, I'll eat my hat. Atoosa squeals "I didn't even notice you had a snout, 'cause you were so fierce!", which I may get printed on a t-shirt. Eugena is "Bird Lady" with a less-impressive prosthetic beak, but she actually shows some personality and looks pretty good. Anchal, unkindly cast as "Giant Lady", looks gorgeous but only 'giant' around the bust. Jaeda is "Strong Lady", and has abdominal muscles spray-painted on top of her abdominal muscles, which is a bit like drawing a moustache on a picture of George Negus. She lifts a prop barbell and grumpily waves goodbye to her chances of ever having heterosexual relations again. Melrose is "Lady With Old Face And Young Body", and does okay, although I keep expecting her to say to Nicole Kidman "But mummy… I am your daughter!"

· The modules are summoned to the Starship Enterprise for judgement, and it almost kills me to admit that Tyra doesn't look like a cut-price prostitute this week. Her white frock appears to be the right size, and her hair is just kind of… curly. Disappointed, Tyra. I expect much less from you next week. The usual crowd is there, including Spunky Nigel, whose rubbish bin I'm going through, and guest judge Atoosa (to whom I keep wanting to say "Bless you!"). The photos are sifted through - Miss Jay clucks and mimes some birdseed-eating at Eugena's Bird Lady, Amanda and Michelle are generally regarded as Twins sans Chins, and Jaeda terrifies everyone with her photographic impression of Angry Steroid Abuser Swallowing Pinecone. Megg gets a bit teary when she sees her photo, in which she looks more than a little brain-damaged, and Tyra tries to soften the blow with the woeful "Y'know – a real bearded lady is probably insecure, too – use it". Caridee is applauded for her ability to not let an elephant's nose inhibit her, and Atoosa exclaims that the photo makes her want to buy her own proboscis.

· The judges deliberate, and Atoosa summarises Brooke in one fell swoop by saying she wants to put her on top of a cupcake. No. No, I don't understand it either, but it still makes sense. Eugena still has dead eyes, Caridee "owned her trunk", and Twiggy has to be told that Jaeda's abs aren't real. "Oh, Twiglet", sighs Miss Jay.

· The modules file back in and the successful names are hollered one by one, until it's just down to Jaeda the Man and Rawk N' Rawl Megg. Megg is told she has an ugly "Rock on" personality, and Jaeda is told she's too insecure about the hair she has no choice but to endure. Then, finally, proving that things are right with the world and that the judges retinas all function, Megg is sent home. She tearfully consoles herself to camera by saying she's "like, gonna, like, be a musician/model". Uh-huh. Bye, Megg! Don't fellate any roadies on your way out!

Next week, Twin Michelle confesses that she might be gay, Janice Dickinson makes an appearance, and Brooke asks Janice why she's such a beeyarch. Curious. Spurious. Injurious.