Recapped By Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, Who Has Neglected Her Mani/Pedi Regimen For Far Too Long Because Of This Stupid Show.
Matthew Newton is dead. Bert and Patti will be like, totally devastated. He comes back as a priest to visit Bob Trimboli in hospital, and luckily it’s as one of those priests who wear pants and stuff. So, like, in death, Matthew Newton is totally better dressed than in life.
So Bob Trimboli dies. He was always scared of being killed by some arsehole – bet he never thought it’d be his own hahahahahaha! Sorry.
George Freeman insists on wearing white budgie-smugglers. I kind of barf up a little bit of my Diet Coke into my mouth. This effing show is so effing ugly. I’m so effing glad it’s over. Eff.
The rest of the show is totally confusing, and people shoot each other a lot so all the storylines can be finished off neatly and so Lady Gaga can finish her career as a cop and start her career as a singer who doesn’t wear pants much.
So I don’t think I’m any smarter after watching this show, but I do think I now have something I want to print on a t-shirt to wear for the rest of my life. It also probably finishes off these stupid recaps well, because it’s all poignant and shit.
WHERE YOU’RE GOING, YOU WON’T NEED UNDIES.
Word.
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Showing posts with label Underbelly. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Underbelly. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Underbelly, A Tale Of Two Cities - Episode 10
Recapped By Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, Who Can’t Possibly Go To School Today Because Her Mum Won’t Let Her Wear An Adidas By Stella McCartney Onesie In P.E.
Couldn’t. Understand. An Effing. Word.
I think the script for Chris Flannery in this dumb show might just be twenty pages of wiggly lines, with the occasional instruction like SHOOT GUN IN AIR, or LAUGH LIKE YOU’RE RETARDED, or PUNCH MATE IN FACE. He’s like, mental. He needs to go to the Home For The Mumbling Mental! I just made that up.
The Mumbler has lots of meetings with the Fugly Squad and some other guys in a place where there are sluts dressed as Greek ladies, and it gets confusing – it’s all drinks and icing sugar and boobs and spas and prawn cocktails. It’s just like an episode of Gossip Girl, but with more boobs and drinks and prawn cocktails.
George Freeman takes his clothes off waaay too much in this episode. At one point he’s just standing there in his undies, and I’m all like ew, and I’m all like “Don’t just stand there in your undies!”, and then later he’s completely nude, and I’m totally reminiscing about when he was only just standing there in his undies. The Mumbler wants George Freeman to hire him, but George Freeman says “If I wanted a clown, I’d hire Ronald effing McDonald”, but I reckon he’d be too busy.
Bob Trimboli is hiding in Dublin, but I don’t think he’s hiding very well because the Dumpy Waitress and Bob’s doctor just walk into the first pub they see and go “Hi”. Trimboli is selling guns and bombs to the IRA, which I think is like the NRMA but not as good for your car.
Matthew Newton is still in England and still in jail, and he has to go to court for a trial. Lady Gaga gets Alison to testify in court, but Hot Bitch Lawyer steals her thunder by standing up and telling everyone she loves Matthew Newton like she’s in a musical or something. Hot Bitch Lawyer’s mum is there, and she asks Matthew Newton what he can offer her daughter. I suppose the same as he can offer all his other girlfriends – lots and lots of boobs-out time and a really good chance of being killed and chopped up.
The Hot Squad suspect that Dieter Brummer is leaking information, so they bug his phone, so it’s lucky he finally got some lines.
The Mumbler kills the older brother from The Castle, and the cops are pissed because they really like saying “Tell him he’s dreamin’” or something. I don’t know. I kind of lost interest in a lot of the plot since Alison started wearing her hair back. The Mumbler keeps talking about how he’s got a green light, and I’ve never seen anyone so pumped about a traffic signal.
Matthew Newton does heaps of staring this week, and reads a Norman Mailer book and throws a chair around. Pretty much anything that stops him painting in the nude is okay by me. The jury finds him guilty of bad hair and probably murder, and Hot Bitch Lawyer cries and hugs her mum and really shouldn’t screw up her face like that because it’s fugly squared.
Next week is the last episode, which is good because then I can go back to doing my homework on Monday nights. HAHAHAHAHAHA kidding. I do my nails Mondays.
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Couldn’t. Understand. An Effing. Word.
I think the script for Chris Flannery in this dumb show might just be twenty pages of wiggly lines, with the occasional instruction like SHOOT GUN IN AIR, or LAUGH LIKE YOU’RE RETARDED, or PUNCH MATE IN FACE. He’s like, mental. He needs to go to the Home For The Mumbling Mental! I just made that up.
The Mumbler has lots of meetings with the Fugly Squad and some other guys in a place where there are sluts dressed as Greek ladies, and it gets confusing – it’s all drinks and icing sugar and boobs and spas and prawn cocktails. It’s just like an episode of Gossip Girl, but with more boobs and drinks and prawn cocktails.
George Freeman takes his clothes off waaay too much in this episode. At one point he’s just standing there in his undies, and I’m all like ew, and I’m all like “Don’t just stand there in your undies!”, and then later he’s completely nude, and I’m totally reminiscing about when he was only just standing there in his undies. The Mumbler wants George Freeman to hire him, but George Freeman says “If I wanted a clown, I’d hire Ronald effing McDonald”, but I reckon he’d be too busy.
Bob Trimboli is hiding in Dublin, but I don’t think he’s hiding very well because the Dumpy Waitress and Bob’s doctor just walk into the first pub they see and go “Hi”. Trimboli is selling guns and bombs to the IRA, which I think is like the NRMA but not as good for your car.
Matthew Newton is still in England and still in jail, and he has to go to court for a trial. Lady Gaga gets Alison to testify in court, but Hot Bitch Lawyer steals her thunder by standing up and telling everyone she loves Matthew Newton like she’s in a musical or something. Hot Bitch Lawyer’s mum is there, and she asks Matthew Newton what he can offer her daughter. I suppose the same as he can offer all his other girlfriends – lots and lots of boobs-out time and a really good chance of being killed and chopped up.
The Hot Squad suspect that Dieter Brummer is leaking information, so they bug his phone, so it’s lucky he finally got some lines.
The Mumbler kills the older brother from The Castle, and the cops are pissed because they really like saying “Tell him he’s dreamin’” or something. I don’t know. I kind of lost interest in a lot of the plot since Alison started wearing her hair back. The Mumbler keeps talking about how he’s got a green light, and I’ve never seen anyone so pumped about a traffic signal.
Matthew Newton does heaps of staring this week, and reads a Norman Mailer book and throws a chair around. Pretty much anything that stops him painting in the nude is okay by me. The jury finds him guilty of bad hair and probably murder, and Hot Bitch Lawyer cries and hugs her mum and really shouldn’t screw up her face like that because it’s fugly squared.
Next week is the last episode, which is good because then I can go back to doing my homework on Monday nights. HAHAHAHAHAHA kidding. I do my nails Mondays.
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Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Underbelly, A Tale Of Two Cities - Episode 9
Recapped By Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, Who Is Pissed With Ruby Rose For Stealing Four Of Her Tattoo Ideas, And Her Idea To Host MTV.
Two hours. I had to watch this for two hours. I missed like, forty-three of Demi and Ashton’s Twitter updates.
So this week’s episode was mostly about drinking, court, cops, going fishing and going to the toilet, sometimes on people’s shoes. Everybody’s telling on everybody else, nobody trusts anyone, and everyone’s hair is getting bigger. It’s like a humid day in a western suburbs primary school.
A diver finds Merrick Watts’ body in a lake, and he’s really got a face for radio. Scottish Napoleon Dynamite totally can’t have sex whenever he thinks about Merrick, which only makes him like everybody else in the whole world hahahahaha! Except for Mrs Merrick, who’s pregnant right now, but she probably only got pregnant so she could ruin that joke. Bee-yotch.
Matthew Newton accidentally spills something on Hot Bitch Lawyer and then gets arrested. He offers the British cops half a mullion dollars and the creepiest smile ever, but they refuse both and give him some overalls to wear. Hot Bitch Lawyer has to go to jail in her undies, because this show is stupid.
Bob Trimboli has to wee a lot, and his doctor tells him he has prostate cancer. I asked my dad what a prostate was, and he lied and said it was a gland near a man’s bladder that the doctor checks by putting fingers up his bum. Yeah, right Dad. Is that like you telling me there’s an Easter Bunny, or that there other members of the Jackson family? The doctor also tells Bob that he has a Lebanese contact who wants to sell hash in the Antipodes, who I think is a Greek bloke.
The frumpy waitress at the Grotty Capri should start buying her blouses from somewhere else. Mank. Bob tells her he has to leave the country and BTW he has cancer. K thx bye! He gets through customs because they’re all using Commodore 64s.
There’s loads and loads of police interviews and trials and inquests and stuff this week, and I got a bit confused. Everybody seems to go to London and then to Sydney, Alison goes from a laundromat in Miami to a crappy motel in Sydney, and one of the cops from the Hot Squad brings her some fish and chips, which I reckon is really insensitive. Like, if you want to insult a New Zealander, you just tell them they have sex with sheep – you don’t have to get all linguistically obvious with their dinner and stuff.
Fugly cop Smith totally looks like a monkey when he eats a banana, Y/N?
For some reason the older brother from The Castle is in this show now, and Bob Trimboli wants him to find a couple of trucks to transport drugs in. I bet you anything he finds them in the Trading Post.
After some interviews, phone-tapping and research, the Hot Squad find out that Bob Trimboli is the rhizomic link of criminal activity between all significant players. Like, der.
Dieter Brummer has too many lines now, I reckon. He gets a job with the Hot Squad so he can secretly report back to the corrupt guys in the Fugly Squad. If he doesn’t want to get found out, he should shave off his gross moustache – obviously to be in the Hot Squad, you have to remove all your body hair. That’s how Lady Gaga can wear so many leotards hahahahaha!
Brian the Bad Lawyer doesn’t have a very good time this week. He gets fired, punched, drunk, left by his wife, chucked out of clubs, locked out of his house, snubbed by the gangsters, snubbed by the police, and handcuffed to an oven at the bottom of the ocean. Dude should totally have checked his horoscope before he left the house, or at least listened to the soundtrack. Everybody knows that as soon as you hear Pachelbel’s Canon, you’re pretty much going to bite it. In like, slow motion.
Next week Alison’s hair and Matthew Newton’s stare get bigger, and The Mumbler returns. Dieter Brummer gets in a spa, which would’ve been hot in Home And Away, but not so much now. Shave, dude.
Okay, it’s school holidays, and I’ve got new shoes. Obviously I have to go and do some underage drinking. See you later.
Two hours. I had to watch this for two hours. I missed like, forty-three of Demi and Ashton’s Twitter updates.
So this week’s episode was mostly about drinking, court, cops, going fishing and going to the toilet, sometimes on people’s shoes. Everybody’s telling on everybody else, nobody trusts anyone, and everyone’s hair is getting bigger. It’s like a humid day in a western suburbs primary school.
A diver finds Merrick Watts’ body in a lake, and he’s really got a face for radio. Scottish Napoleon Dynamite totally can’t have sex whenever he thinks about Merrick, which only makes him like everybody else in the whole world hahahahaha! Except for Mrs Merrick, who’s pregnant right now, but she probably only got pregnant so she could ruin that joke. Bee-yotch.
Matthew Newton accidentally spills something on Hot Bitch Lawyer and then gets arrested. He offers the British cops half a mullion dollars and the creepiest smile ever, but they refuse both and give him some overalls to wear. Hot Bitch Lawyer has to go to jail in her undies, because this show is stupid.
Bob Trimboli has to wee a lot, and his doctor tells him he has prostate cancer. I asked my dad what a prostate was, and he lied and said it was a gland near a man’s bladder that the doctor checks by putting fingers up his bum. Yeah, right Dad. Is that like you telling me there’s an Easter Bunny, or that there other members of the Jackson family? The doctor also tells Bob that he has a Lebanese contact who wants to sell hash in the Antipodes, who I think is a Greek bloke.
The frumpy waitress at the Grotty Capri should start buying her blouses from somewhere else. Mank. Bob tells her he has to leave the country and BTW he has cancer. K thx bye! He gets through customs because they’re all using Commodore 64s.
There’s loads and loads of police interviews and trials and inquests and stuff this week, and I got a bit confused. Everybody seems to go to London and then to Sydney, Alison goes from a laundromat in Miami to a crappy motel in Sydney, and one of the cops from the Hot Squad brings her some fish and chips, which I reckon is really insensitive. Like, if you want to insult a New Zealander, you just tell them they have sex with sheep – you don’t have to get all linguistically obvious with their dinner and stuff.
Fugly cop Smith totally looks like a monkey when he eats a banana, Y/N?
For some reason the older brother from The Castle is in this show now, and Bob Trimboli wants him to find a couple of trucks to transport drugs in. I bet you anything he finds them in the Trading Post.
After some interviews, phone-tapping and research, the Hot Squad find out that Bob Trimboli is the rhizomic link of criminal activity between all significant players. Like, der.
Dieter Brummer has too many lines now, I reckon. He gets a job with the Hot Squad so he can secretly report back to the corrupt guys in the Fugly Squad. If he doesn’t want to get found out, he should shave off his gross moustache – obviously to be in the Hot Squad, you have to remove all your body hair. That’s how Lady Gaga can wear so many leotards hahahahaha!
Brian the Bad Lawyer doesn’t have a very good time this week. He gets fired, punched, drunk, left by his wife, chucked out of clubs, locked out of his house, snubbed by the gangsters, snubbed by the police, and handcuffed to an oven at the bottom of the ocean. Dude should totally have checked his horoscope before he left the house, or at least listened to the soundtrack. Everybody knows that as soon as you hear Pachelbel’s Canon, you’re pretty much going to bite it. In like, slow motion.
Next week Alison’s hair and Matthew Newton’s stare get bigger, and The Mumbler returns. Dieter Brummer gets in a spa, which would’ve been hot in Home And Away, but not so much now. Shave, dude.
Okay, it’s school holidays, and I’ve got new shoes. Obviously I have to go and do some underage drinking. See you later.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Underbelly, A Tale Of Two Cities - Episode 8
Recapped By Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, Who Isn’t Reading The Twilight Series Because Vampires Don’t Believe In Self-Tanning.
Alison’s getting killed. No she isn’t. Yes she is. No she isn’t. Let’s all have a cry.
That’s the short version hahahahaha! The longer version just has more swearwords, luggage and boobs in it.
The supply of drugs from Asia is becoming more erratic (like erratic fiction, or that old song by Madonna), because Merrick Watts is mixing his icing sugar with lower quality sugar or something. I don’t really get drugs. I’m high on life and accessories.
Bob Trimboli and Alison go to visit Matthew Newton in the museum he lives in in London. Alison spends most of her time at the Crying In The Bathroom exhibit. Matthew Newton tells Bob that he wants both Lesbian Courier Kay and Alison killed, but Bob doesn’t want to kill Alison, maybe because he thinks Rangas are an endangered species, but he should take a look at my General Studies class because it’s like a freckle bomb went off in there LOL! Anyway, Alison comes out of the loo and then panics and goes back in, and Bob says it must be that time of the month. I dunno – is there a time of the month when people get scared they’re going to be murdered and chopped up?
Hot Bitch Lawyer is like, living with Matthew Newton now, and he pashes her right in front of Alison and then sends her shopping. She comes back later all mad because he brushed her, but he’s sitting in the dark smoking a cigarette watching home movies of his son and crying. Stupid Hot Bitch Lawyer stands in front of the screen and takes her clothes off, because everybody wants to see videos of their son superimposed onto their girlfriend’s boobs. Matthew Newton cries into her cleavage, and she says “I love you”, and I’m all like if you love him, get out of the way of the video, you dumb slag.
George Freeman has a bandage around his head from when he got shot, and everyone comes to visit him and bring him presents, including a couple of members of the Fugly Squad plus Dieter Brummer, who’s now as chatty as all anything. The police commissioner sends a stripper dressed as a policewoman, and she’s all nude and rubbing up against him, and he goes “Watch the wound, love”, and I go “Everybody is!”, but I don’t think mum got it.
Bob Trimboli askes The Mumbler Chris Flannery to kill Alison and pays him a deposit, so he goes to her house with a fern and a shovel. The Fugly Squad turn up just in time, and search her house and plant some drugs in her mank fur coat. It’s like a thousand manks died just so she could be warm and arrested.
Matthew Newton asks Scottish Napoleon Dynamite to kill Merrick Watts because of the bad sugar and most probably because of the whole socks-with-sandals thing. The script makes Matthew Newton say the word “intercontinental” with a Kiwi accent, which makes me fall in love with it a bit. They meet Merrick in a nudie bar, and Merrick says he’s picking up some very aggressive vibrations, but I think he’s just standing too close to the pole. Scottish Napoleon Dynamite drives Merrick out into some trees and Merrick gets out to do a wee and get shot in the head. A nation of radio listeners cheers.
Bob Trimboli gives Alison a fake passport and tells her she should leave the country so she doesn’t get killed, right before The Mumbler turns up and threatens Bob with a soup ladle. A fern and then a ladle. Dude needs to buy a gun or something.
Hot Bitch Lawyer wins a bunch of money at a casino, so Matthew Newton asks her to marry him. She says yes even though she can see his gross hairy chest because she’s drunk or something, and then she cries, because she’s just agreed to marry Matthew Newton. It’s pretty confusing.
George Freeman finds out who shoots him, and it’s the stepfather of the girl that Freeman had sex with last week. The Stepfather complains to a prostitute about how short the head job she gave him is, which I think is unfair because I reckon that’s at least partly his fault. Anyway he has another sort of head job to worry about hahahaha! Because he gets shot. In the head. Shut up, that’s funny.
It looks like next week Matthew Newton gets arrested, Alison’s hair gets really big, and there are lots of pictures of Bob Trimboli’s face. I’ll see you then – I’ve got homework to do. Ha! Kidding.
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Alison’s getting killed. No she isn’t. Yes she is. No she isn’t. Let’s all have a cry.
That’s the short version hahahahaha! The longer version just has more swearwords, luggage and boobs in it.
The supply of drugs from Asia is becoming more erratic (like erratic fiction, or that old song by Madonna), because Merrick Watts is mixing his icing sugar with lower quality sugar or something. I don’t really get drugs. I’m high on life and accessories.
Bob Trimboli and Alison go to visit Matthew Newton in the museum he lives in in London. Alison spends most of her time at the Crying In The Bathroom exhibit. Matthew Newton tells Bob that he wants both Lesbian Courier Kay and Alison killed, but Bob doesn’t want to kill Alison, maybe because he thinks Rangas are an endangered species, but he should take a look at my General Studies class because it’s like a freckle bomb went off in there LOL! Anyway, Alison comes out of the loo and then panics and goes back in, and Bob says it must be that time of the month. I dunno – is there a time of the month when people get scared they’re going to be murdered and chopped up?
Hot Bitch Lawyer is like, living with Matthew Newton now, and he pashes her right in front of Alison and then sends her shopping. She comes back later all mad because he brushed her, but he’s sitting in the dark smoking a cigarette watching home movies of his son and crying. Stupid Hot Bitch Lawyer stands in front of the screen and takes her clothes off, because everybody wants to see videos of their son superimposed onto their girlfriend’s boobs. Matthew Newton cries into her cleavage, and she says “I love you”, and I’m all like if you love him, get out of the way of the video, you dumb slag.
George Freeman has a bandage around his head from when he got shot, and everyone comes to visit him and bring him presents, including a couple of members of the Fugly Squad plus Dieter Brummer, who’s now as chatty as all anything. The police commissioner sends a stripper dressed as a policewoman, and she’s all nude and rubbing up against him, and he goes “Watch the wound, love”, and I go “Everybody is!”, but I don’t think mum got it.
Bob Trimboli askes The Mumbler Chris Flannery to kill Alison and pays him a deposit, so he goes to her house with a fern and a shovel. The Fugly Squad turn up just in time, and search her house and plant some drugs in her mank fur coat. It’s like a thousand manks died just so she could be warm and arrested.
Matthew Newton asks Scottish Napoleon Dynamite to kill Merrick Watts because of the bad sugar and most probably because of the whole socks-with-sandals thing. The script makes Matthew Newton say the word “intercontinental” with a Kiwi accent, which makes me fall in love with it a bit. They meet Merrick in a nudie bar, and Merrick says he’s picking up some very aggressive vibrations, but I think he’s just standing too close to the pole. Scottish Napoleon Dynamite drives Merrick out into some trees and Merrick gets out to do a wee and get shot in the head. A nation of radio listeners cheers.
Bob Trimboli gives Alison a fake passport and tells her she should leave the country so she doesn’t get killed, right before The Mumbler turns up and threatens Bob with a soup ladle. A fern and then a ladle. Dude needs to buy a gun or something.
Hot Bitch Lawyer wins a bunch of money at a casino, so Matthew Newton asks her to marry him. She says yes even though she can see his gross hairy chest because she’s drunk or something, and then she cries, because she’s just agreed to marry Matthew Newton. It’s pretty confusing.
George Freeman finds out who shoots him, and it’s the stepfather of the girl that Freeman had sex with last week. The Stepfather complains to a prostitute about how short the head job she gave him is, which I think is unfair because I reckon that’s at least partly his fault. Anyway he has another sort of head job to worry about hahahaha! Because he gets shot. In the head. Shut up, that’s funny.
It looks like next week Matthew Newton gets arrested, Alison’s hair gets really big, and there are lots of pictures of Bob Trimboli’s face. I’ll see you then – I’ve got homework to do. Ha! Kidding.
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Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Underbelly, A Tale Of Two Cities - Episode Seven
Recapped By Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, Who Thinks Her Dad Would Buy Her Blahniks If He Really Loved Her.
OMG. I can’t believe they finally gave Dieter Brummer a line. For the last eight million episodes, he’s all like “I’m here, I’m in a fugly shirt, I’ve got a little porn moustache, I’m playing your dark brown seventies game – why do you just get me to stand around making concerned faces? I have a voice! I WAS ON HOME AND AWAY!!”. But more of that later.
Alison reminisces about her time with Matthew Newton. She thinks there might be a tiny problem with their relationship, which she hopes to work out once he’s back from London where he’s living with his girlfriend and son and wanking over photos of his Hot Bitch Lawyer. All Alison has left in Sydney is a big house, a thriving drug business, a crew of lesbian couriers and a boss who farts in her Grotty Capri whenever she pulls his finger. She goes shopping, goes dancing, and shows Kay how big Little Mr Asia is.
Freeman helps one of his friends by minding his girlfriend for him so her stepfather doesn’t beat her up. Freeman tries get her into bed by offering her some money, but she’s not a prostitute, so she just has sex with him for chocolate. Afterwards she asks him if he wants her to do anything special, and he says ‘maybe later’. Maybe she wants to give him some chocolate, I dunno.
The Hot Cop Squad go to Sydney to investigate some other uglier, more corrupt cops, and the Fugly Squad decide they need to shut down some of Freeman’s casinos so they look more honest. Dieter Brummer is there but he doesn’t say anything.
Two of the Fugly Squad play golf with Freeman to tell him that they’ll be shutting down some of his casinos, and they lose money by playing golf badly – a bit like how some of the girls at school lose boyfriends by dressing badly. See? I’m totally starting to understand this organised crime stuff hahahaha! Dieter Brummer is there but he doesn’t say anything.
One of the lesbian couriers gets caught at the airport, so Bob Trimboli sends Alison and Kay home to do the washing up. They flush all the icing sugar just in time for the Fugly Squad to come knocking on the door, including a guy called Smith who totally needs some volumising hair clay and probably a breath mint. He’s cross that he can’t find any drugs in the house, even thought it was obvious that someone was high when they picked the furniture. He tells Alison that the parents of drug addicts would want to spit in her face, but then he goes off on some tangent about wanting a sex change or something, and tells her he needs a big bust. This freaks Alison out. I don’t blame her.
In a nudie bar, Freeman talks to some of the Fugly Squad including Dieter Brummer. Dieter stays quiet until Freeman tells him he owes him fifteen hundred dollars for playing bad golf, and then Dieter says “That’s four weeks’ pay!”, and I’m all like wow. Dude. Even Muffin Break pays better than that.
Matthew Newton tries to call Alison but she just sits there with her hands over her ears, trying to get the image of Detective Smith’s big bust out of her head. Matthew Newton’s girlfriend tells him that she’s sick of living in the entrance hall of a museum, and that she’s going back to New Zealand. He calls her sneaky butch and threatens to kill her and stares at her a lot.
Bob Trimboli is cross with Freeman for fixing a horse race. The Fugly Squad are cross with Freeman for fixing a horse race. The guy I sort of mentioned before is cross with Freeman for banging his girlfriend after she banged his gun. Dieter Brummer is cross with Freeman because he lost a coin flipping game with him. I’m cross with Freeman for wearing white suits and gold chains, which is totally fair enough I reckon. One of us hires someone to shoot him in the head, bleed all over his suit and go for a walk in the garden.
Matthew Newton puts on some sunglasses like he’s Horatio Caine, and then pashes his Hot Bitch Lawyer like he’s not.
Next week, Alison gets arrested, somebody gets a plastic bag over their head, and nobody puts a paper bag over Merrick’s head, which is obviously a shame.
I'll see you later. I have to go bleach stuff.
OMG. I can’t believe they finally gave Dieter Brummer a line. For the last eight million episodes, he’s all like “I’m here, I’m in a fugly shirt, I’ve got a little porn moustache, I’m playing your dark brown seventies game – why do you just get me to stand around making concerned faces? I have a voice! I WAS ON HOME AND AWAY!!”. But more of that later.
Alison reminisces about her time with Matthew Newton. She thinks there might be a tiny problem with their relationship, which she hopes to work out once he’s back from London where he’s living with his girlfriend and son and wanking over photos of his Hot Bitch Lawyer. All Alison has left in Sydney is a big house, a thriving drug business, a crew of lesbian couriers and a boss who farts in her Grotty Capri whenever she pulls his finger. She goes shopping, goes dancing, and shows Kay how big Little Mr Asia is.
Freeman helps one of his friends by minding his girlfriend for him so her stepfather doesn’t beat her up. Freeman tries get her into bed by offering her some money, but she’s not a prostitute, so she just has sex with him for chocolate. Afterwards she asks him if he wants her to do anything special, and he says ‘maybe later’. Maybe she wants to give him some chocolate, I dunno.
The Hot Cop Squad go to Sydney to investigate some other uglier, more corrupt cops, and the Fugly Squad decide they need to shut down some of Freeman’s casinos so they look more honest. Dieter Brummer is there but he doesn’t say anything.
Two of the Fugly Squad play golf with Freeman to tell him that they’ll be shutting down some of his casinos, and they lose money by playing golf badly – a bit like how some of the girls at school lose boyfriends by dressing badly. See? I’m totally starting to understand this organised crime stuff hahahaha! Dieter Brummer is there but he doesn’t say anything.
One of the lesbian couriers gets caught at the airport, so Bob Trimboli sends Alison and Kay home to do the washing up. They flush all the icing sugar just in time for the Fugly Squad to come knocking on the door, including a guy called Smith who totally needs some volumising hair clay and probably a breath mint. He’s cross that he can’t find any drugs in the house, even thought it was obvious that someone was high when they picked the furniture. He tells Alison that the parents of drug addicts would want to spit in her face, but then he goes off on some tangent about wanting a sex change or something, and tells her he needs a big bust. This freaks Alison out. I don’t blame her.
In a nudie bar, Freeman talks to some of the Fugly Squad including Dieter Brummer. Dieter stays quiet until Freeman tells him he owes him fifteen hundred dollars for playing bad golf, and then Dieter says “That’s four weeks’ pay!”, and I’m all like wow. Dude. Even Muffin Break pays better than that.
Matthew Newton tries to call Alison but she just sits there with her hands over her ears, trying to get the image of Detective Smith’s big bust out of her head. Matthew Newton’s girlfriend tells him that she’s sick of living in the entrance hall of a museum, and that she’s going back to New Zealand. He calls her sneaky butch and threatens to kill her and stares at her a lot.
Bob Trimboli is cross with Freeman for fixing a horse race. The Fugly Squad are cross with Freeman for fixing a horse race. The guy I sort of mentioned before is cross with Freeman for banging his girlfriend after she banged his gun. Dieter Brummer is cross with Freeman because he lost a coin flipping game with him. I’m cross with Freeman for wearing white suits and gold chains, which is totally fair enough I reckon. One of us hires someone to shoot him in the head, bleed all over his suit and go for a walk in the garden.
Matthew Newton puts on some sunglasses like he’s Horatio Caine, and then pashes his Hot Bitch Lawyer like he’s not.
Next week, Alison gets arrested, somebody gets a plastic bag over their head, and nobody puts a paper bag over Merrick’s head, which is obviously a shame.
I'll see you later. I have to go bleach stuff.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Underbelly, A Tale Of Two Cities - Episode Six
Recapped By Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, Who Thinks She Should Have the Day Off School Because Her Hair Straightener Is Broken.
Even the dogs have stupid fugly hair on this show. It’s like nobody had mirrors or smoothing serum in the Seventies.
Anyway, when he was killing Doug and Uzzy, Fred the Hitman didn’t do a lot of things. He didn’t bury them deep enough. He didn’t put them through a meat grinder. He didn’t leave the car at the airport. Most of all, he didn’t kill the dog, and didn’t make sure his own poodle didn’t look like a frizzy minger. I think Fred the Hitman might be gay, because he carries a handbag.
Matthew Newton wakes up with a jerk, but it’s just Alison. He drives her out into the sticks and she thinks he wants to kill her because he doesn’t like her in floral, but it turns out he’s got a buried stash of icing sugar and he wants her to know where it is. I say draw a map, save some petrol, but whatever. Alison is really relieved and Matthew Newton pashes her right there in the bush.
Bob Trimboli has to wee a lot in this episode and he sees the doctor about it, but I don’t think the doctor is very good, because he smokes and examines Bob from the wrong side. Doctor BumFinger sets up a drug deal between Bob and a guy with a bad panel van called Michael Hurley, but the fugly cops and Dieter Brummer find the drugs and arrest him. If the panel van had been rocking, he might have been okay.
Matthew Newton wants to only sell drugs in Asia now so that his nickname makes more sense, so he offers Bob Trimboli the Australian part of his business. It’s sort of a franchise like Avon, because they knock on your door and sell you powder you could totally get at half the price overseas.
Matthew Newton has Alison for lunch and knocks her oranges off the table. They have six. There’s a knock on the door, and it’s Bob Trimboli but he’s not selling Avon hahaha! He’s just there to tell Alison that he’s her boss now, and to use the toilet.
Bob, Michael Hurley and Doctor BumFinger don’t get in trouble for the panel van drugs because they have a crooked judge with man-boobs who used to be a policeman at Mount Thomas. People don’t really trust his judgement and I don’t blame them because he seems to think it was the right thing to do to wear a tracksuit.
Matthew Newton meets Scottish Napoleon Dynamite in a bar in Singapore and decides to stay there for good because there’s just as many places to get a drink with nude ladies in the background. Alison finds out and multi-tasks by both making drugs and crying salty tears of regret.
Axl Whitehead goes running with his dog and finds Doug and Uzzy’s spooning corpses. Lady Gaga is there, but she quits her job so she can join the Commonwealth Hot Squad which only lets in good-looking cops by luring them with roast beef sandwiches.
Bob Trimboli asks the Griffith Mafia if they want to buy the Australian side of Matthew Newton’s business and shows them a sample of the drugs, which must be strong because everyone’s so high they see fifty dollar notes flying around in the air.
Next week some people go to London, some people go to jail, and I’m guessing Bob Trimboli goes to the toilet.
Just as long as there's no more dogs.
.
Even the dogs have stupid fugly hair on this show. It’s like nobody had mirrors or smoothing serum in the Seventies.
Anyway, when he was killing Doug and Uzzy, Fred the Hitman didn’t do a lot of things. He didn’t bury them deep enough. He didn’t put them through a meat grinder. He didn’t leave the car at the airport. Most of all, he didn’t kill the dog, and didn’t make sure his own poodle didn’t look like a frizzy minger. I think Fred the Hitman might be gay, because he carries a handbag.
Matthew Newton wakes up with a jerk, but it’s just Alison. He drives her out into the sticks and she thinks he wants to kill her because he doesn’t like her in floral, but it turns out he’s got a buried stash of icing sugar and he wants her to know where it is. I say draw a map, save some petrol, but whatever. Alison is really relieved and Matthew Newton pashes her right there in the bush.
Bob Trimboli has to wee a lot in this episode and he sees the doctor about it, but I don’t think the doctor is very good, because he smokes and examines Bob from the wrong side. Doctor BumFinger sets up a drug deal between Bob and a guy with a bad panel van called Michael Hurley, but the fugly cops and Dieter Brummer find the drugs and arrest him. If the panel van had been rocking, he might have been okay.
Matthew Newton wants to only sell drugs in Asia now so that his nickname makes more sense, so he offers Bob Trimboli the Australian part of his business. It’s sort of a franchise like Avon, because they knock on your door and sell you powder you could totally get at half the price overseas.
Matthew Newton has Alison for lunch and knocks her oranges off the table. They have six. There’s a knock on the door, and it’s Bob Trimboli but he’s not selling Avon hahaha! He’s just there to tell Alison that he’s her boss now, and to use the toilet.
Bob, Michael Hurley and Doctor BumFinger don’t get in trouble for the panel van drugs because they have a crooked judge with man-boobs who used to be a policeman at Mount Thomas. People don’t really trust his judgement and I don’t blame them because he seems to think it was the right thing to do to wear a tracksuit.
Matthew Newton meets Scottish Napoleon Dynamite in a bar in Singapore and decides to stay there for good because there’s just as many places to get a drink with nude ladies in the background. Alison finds out and multi-tasks by both making drugs and crying salty tears of regret.
Axl Whitehead goes running with his dog and finds Doug and Uzzy’s spooning corpses. Lady Gaga is there, but she quits her job so she can join the Commonwealth Hot Squad which only lets in good-looking cops by luring them with roast beef sandwiches.
Bob Trimboli asks the Griffith Mafia if they want to buy the Australian side of Matthew Newton’s business and shows them a sample of the drugs, which must be strong because everyone’s so high they see fifty dollar notes flying around in the air.
Next week some people go to London, some people go to jail, and I’m guessing Bob Trimboli goes to the toilet.
Just as long as there's no more dogs.
.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Underbelly, A Tale Of Two Cities - Episode 5
Recapped By Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, Who Isn’t Allowed To Go To L.A. And Marry Zac Efron Because Her Mum Is A Bitch.
This week is mostly about Kiwis and drugs and jail, with special guest boobs. Everyone’s tired all the time except for Matthew Newton, who looks like he’s had about four Red Bulls. He should really look into blinking.
Matthew Newton tells his drug couriers that his dad used to sell pies and make peanuts, which seems like a weird combination of jobs, and really hard.
Alison’s ex-boyfriend Wayne gets caught at the airport with a gun, and he dobs on Matthew Newton, so Matthew Newton takes him out to the bush for a game of cricket. Wayne doesn’t want to take his turn, so he says he has to go to the toilet, which is what boys do when they don’t want to do sport because they can’t say they’ve got their period. Matthew Newton gets all cross that Wayne won’t play, and bashes him with the bat until all his bones are broken. Bad light stops play, so they go home except they forget Wayne.
Doug and Uzzy Wilson are some couriers too, and it’s another case of hot girl going out with fugly guy – she has great hair and good shorts, but he has a gay moustache and fifteen hundred thousand mank shirts. Maybe he’s got Wii, I don’t know. Anyway they’re both in rehab for addiction to lollies, but Matthew Newton and Alison smuggle some in.
Bob Trimboli keeps buying cassettes from The Police, probably because he doesn’t have iTunes.
Matthew Newton, the Wilsons, and Scottish Napoleon Dynamite go to Queensland, but they get arrested for impersonating old politicians, having drugs and guns, and keeping the ugliest dog in the world in a hotel room. Doug dobs on Matthew Newton, so he and Uzzy are set free, but Matthew Newton has to go back to New Zealand. He has a Hot Bitch Lawyer who helps him go free, and he calls Alison who says “You got off! I can’t believe it!”, and I’m all really? Because you’ve been having sex with him for like, four weeks, it was going to happen eventually hahaha!
While Matthew Newton is in jail, Alison runs the icing sugar business back in Sydney, and recruits some new young girl couriers by pretending she’s a lesbian, which can only mean more boobs I reckon.
Doug told the police where some bodies that Matthew Newton killed were, and then calls him a huck, and then goes home. He doesn’t have a Wii after all, so he just plays Guitar Hero on a tennis racquet.
Matthew Newton sends Doug and Uzzy to Melbourne so they can go to a motel and get shot. The hit-man from ages ago dumps their bodies and it’s sort of cute because they’re kind of spooning in their shallow bloody grave. I didn’t see the fugly dog there, but I hope he killed it too.
Alison tries on some lingerie while Matthew Newton has sex with Hot Bitch Lawyer, only they try to make it look like he’s having sex with Alison right up until the last minute so it’s a surprise. Matthew Newton accidentally spills his champagne and that’s the end.
Next week there’s less Kiwis because most of them are dead now, but more old people. Matthew Newton expands internationally, so I guess he should stop eating so much Chinese food, or maybe that’s why they call him Mr Asia hahahaha! Shut up.
.
This week is mostly about Kiwis and drugs and jail, with special guest boobs. Everyone’s tired all the time except for Matthew Newton, who looks like he’s had about four Red Bulls. He should really look into blinking.
Matthew Newton tells his drug couriers that his dad used to sell pies and make peanuts, which seems like a weird combination of jobs, and really hard.
Alison’s ex-boyfriend Wayne gets caught at the airport with a gun, and he dobs on Matthew Newton, so Matthew Newton takes him out to the bush for a game of cricket. Wayne doesn’t want to take his turn, so he says he has to go to the toilet, which is what boys do when they don’t want to do sport because they can’t say they’ve got their period. Matthew Newton gets all cross that Wayne won’t play, and bashes him with the bat until all his bones are broken. Bad light stops play, so they go home except they forget Wayne.
Doug and Uzzy Wilson are some couriers too, and it’s another case of hot girl going out with fugly guy – she has great hair and good shorts, but he has a gay moustache and fifteen hundred thousand mank shirts. Maybe he’s got Wii, I don’t know. Anyway they’re both in rehab for addiction to lollies, but Matthew Newton and Alison smuggle some in.
Bob Trimboli keeps buying cassettes from The Police, probably because he doesn’t have iTunes.
Matthew Newton, the Wilsons, and Scottish Napoleon Dynamite go to Queensland, but they get arrested for impersonating old politicians, having drugs and guns, and keeping the ugliest dog in the world in a hotel room. Doug dobs on Matthew Newton, so he and Uzzy are set free, but Matthew Newton has to go back to New Zealand. He has a Hot Bitch Lawyer who helps him go free, and he calls Alison who says “You got off! I can’t believe it!”, and I’m all really? Because you’ve been having sex with him for like, four weeks, it was going to happen eventually hahaha!
While Matthew Newton is in jail, Alison runs the icing sugar business back in Sydney, and recruits some new young girl couriers by pretending she’s a lesbian, which can only mean more boobs I reckon.
Doug told the police where some bodies that Matthew Newton killed were, and then calls him a huck, and then goes home. He doesn’t have a Wii after all, so he just plays Guitar Hero on a tennis racquet.
Matthew Newton sends Doug and Uzzy to Melbourne so they can go to a motel and get shot. The hit-man from ages ago dumps their bodies and it’s sort of cute because they’re kind of spooning in their shallow bloody grave. I didn’t see the fugly dog there, but I hope he killed it too.
Alison tries on some lingerie while Matthew Newton has sex with Hot Bitch Lawyer, only they try to make it look like he’s having sex with Alison right up until the last minute so it’s a surprise. Matthew Newton accidentally spills his champagne and that’s the end.
Next week there’s less Kiwis because most of them are dead now, but more old people. Matthew Newton expands internationally, so I guess he should stop eating so much Chinese food, or maybe that’s why they call him Mr Asia hahahaha! Shut up.
.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Underbelly, A Tale Of Two Cities - Episode 4
Recapped By Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, In Between A Maths Class And An Intensive Cuticle-Reduction Session.
This show is getting really hard to follow, so I figured if you’re as confused as I am, which is even more confused than the Jonas Brothers are, it’s probably time I got you all caught up with the characters. Any I’ve left out probably don’t matter, and the actors probably just knew the director or something.
Matthew Newton
AKA Tirry, AKA Mr Asia, AKA Big-Head-Bluey-Starey-Eyes. Has lots of sex with Alison because she’s clever, and looks at people a lot. Has just worked out how to smuggle icing sugar in suitcases, and gets cross when he’s invited to dinner but dinner’s not ready yet.
Alison
Alison is a person attached to some boobs and some pretty good hair. She goes overseas a lot for a kindy teacher.
Robert Trimboli
Trimboli gives out sandwiches and passports, and likes to gamble. He also likes to have dinner with policemen at fugly restaurants called the Capri something, and gets people arrested at the airport. He’s sort of like a friendly old uncle who imports heroin and has people killed and stuff.
Brian Kane
Kane is angry because he has a bad porn moustache, and because his brother got shot, and because he can’t get anybody to kill the guy who killed his brother. He tries to hide his bad moustache with an even worse beard, and shoots Ray Chuck right in the courthouse.
Sally Fletcher
Sally was married to Les Kane before he got shot, and now she sees all her memories backwards in slow motion. She mostly just looks wistful and cries, I think because she still hasn’t got around to changing her mank wallpaper because she’s been too busy mopping blood off the floor. She needs to get her priorities right hahaha!
Ray Chuck And The Chucky Uggers
Ray and the Uggers go to jail for shooting Les Kane, but because they did such a good job of chopping him up or whatever, they get set free and play soccer. Except Ray gets arrested again for stealing, and makes friends with Chopper Read and then gets shot.
The Mumbler
The Mumbler is a guy called Chris Flannery, and I can’t understand a single effing word he says. His hobbies are taking credit for killing people he didn’t, watching girls kiss, and saying ‘fuck’ in the nude.
The Couriers
The Couriers smuggle icing sugar for Matthew Newton, and there’s a guy, a girl, and Wayne, who is Alison’s ex-boyfriend. Their dinner parties aren’t very good, because they fall asleep and shit on the stairs.
Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga is a police lady who isn’t very good at her job but is quite good at looking worried. She lets her kid hang out in the police station but doesn’t catch Brian Kane because she can’t run in hot boots.
Chopper Read
Eric Bana has totally let himself go.
Freeman
This guy has white hair and a casino, and needs a good exfoliant.
Cute Cops
Cute cops aren’t corrupt, but they sort of find it hard to get anything done.
Fugly Cops
Fugly cops are corrupt, and have heaps of time for gambling and eating dinner and sandwiches.
Boobs
These are like, the stars of the show.
New Guy
New Guy walks over the top of a police car.
That’s everybody nearly, except for the baby and the poodle.
You’re welcome.
.
This show is getting really hard to follow, so I figured if you’re as confused as I am, which is even more confused than the Jonas Brothers are, it’s probably time I got you all caught up with the characters. Any I’ve left out probably don’t matter, and the actors probably just knew the director or something.
Matthew Newton
AKA Tirry, AKA Mr Asia, AKA Big-Head-Bluey-Starey-Eyes. Has lots of sex with Alison because she’s clever, and looks at people a lot. Has just worked out how to smuggle icing sugar in suitcases, and gets cross when he’s invited to dinner but dinner’s not ready yet.
Alison
Alison is a person attached to some boobs and some pretty good hair. She goes overseas a lot for a kindy teacher.
Robert Trimboli
Trimboli gives out sandwiches and passports, and likes to gamble. He also likes to have dinner with policemen at fugly restaurants called the Capri something, and gets people arrested at the airport. He’s sort of like a friendly old uncle who imports heroin and has people killed and stuff.
Brian Kane
Kane is angry because he has a bad porn moustache, and because his brother got shot, and because he can’t get anybody to kill the guy who killed his brother. He tries to hide his bad moustache with an even worse beard, and shoots Ray Chuck right in the courthouse.
Sally Fletcher
Sally was married to Les Kane before he got shot, and now she sees all her memories backwards in slow motion. She mostly just looks wistful and cries, I think because she still hasn’t got around to changing her mank wallpaper because she’s been too busy mopping blood off the floor. She needs to get her priorities right hahaha!
Ray Chuck And The Chucky Uggers
Ray and the Uggers go to jail for shooting Les Kane, but because they did such a good job of chopping him up or whatever, they get set free and play soccer. Except Ray gets arrested again for stealing, and makes friends with Chopper Read and then gets shot.
The Mumbler
The Mumbler is a guy called Chris Flannery, and I can’t understand a single effing word he says. His hobbies are taking credit for killing people he didn’t, watching girls kiss, and saying ‘fuck’ in the nude.
The Couriers
The Couriers smuggle icing sugar for Matthew Newton, and there’s a guy, a girl, and Wayne, who is Alison’s ex-boyfriend. Their dinner parties aren’t very good, because they fall asleep and shit on the stairs.
Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga is a police lady who isn’t very good at her job but is quite good at looking worried. She lets her kid hang out in the police station but doesn’t catch Brian Kane because she can’t run in hot boots.
Chopper Read
Eric Bana has totally let himself go.
Freeman
This guy has white hair and a casino, and needs a good exfoliant.
Cute Cops
Cute cops aren’t corrupt, but they sort of find it hard to get anything done.
Fugly Cops
Fugly cops are corrupt, and have heaps of time for gambling and eating dinner and sandwiches.
Boobs
These are like, the stars of the show.
New Guy
New Guy walks over the top of a police car.
That’s everybody nearly, except for the baby and the poodle.
You’re welcome.
.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Underbelly, A Tale Of Two Cities - Episode 3
Recapped By Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, In Between Shopping For Accessories And Hating Leighton Meester.
Fugliest.
Episode.
Ever.
OMG, if it wasn’t for Sally Fletcher and Lady Gaga, this episode would have made me vomit up my cold soba noodles and dipping sauce. There’s even a guy whose surname is Chuck. There is no way people in the seventies really looked that mank and had pictures of forests wall-papered onto their kitchen. Okay, I can accept that they didn’t have mobile phones or spin classes or shows about vampires back then, but bull everybody wore tracksuits. LIES.
Pubs were really dangerous in the seventies. You could hardly walk into one without being hit with an ashtray, or bashed with the butt end of a gun, or seeing someone wearing flannelette. Now pubs are a lot safer because there’s no ashtrays or flannelette, and anyway I go to The Ivy.
Alison’s totally not even bothering with clothes anymore. She’s just sitting around in the nude in a hotel room with Matthew Newton, saying “Mirry Chrustmus, sixy” and drinking champagne. She has a pretty good idea about cutting the bottom out of suitcases to hide heroin, and she’s really good at maths, which turns Matthew Newton on. If only someone cut the bottom out of Matthew Newton, then we wouldn’t have to look at his anymore hahahaha! He gives Alison heaps of icing sugar to thank her.
There was a confusing bit this week. Okay, so Robert Trimboli sends people to sell drugs in Melbourne. Some uggers (led by Ray Chuck, so I’ll call them the ‘Chucky Uggers’) steal some money from one of Trimboli’s dealers. Trimboli sends the Kane brothers to threaten the Chucky Uggers, which makes the Chucky Uggers want to kill the Kane brothers. Trimboli helps sell the Chucky Uggers some guns to kill one of the Kane brothers, meaning that Trimboli got some of his money back from the guy who stole it in the first place.
So basically I worked that out all by myself instead of doing my Biology homework, but I should be able to get extra credit, because that’s the smartest thing I’ve ever done if you don’t count predicting that vinyl leggings would be huge.
Lady Gaga makes everybody some tea.
Sally Fletcher is in this show, but she’s stopped going on about Milko. She’s married to one of the Kane brothers, and she’s cross because she lives in an ugly house with ugly furniture and has to answer the ugly phone, and because the Chucky Uggers machine-gun her husband to death and leave a mess. She eventually tells the police about it, and Lady Gaga tries not to cry. She keeps her poker face.
Next week the hair gets even worse, and there’s more suitcases, guns and boobs, and there might be more Dieter Brummer. I mean, watching this show is like watching Home And Away through a brown filter.
I have to go get stuff waxed. I’ll see you next week.
Fugliest.
Episode.
Ever.
OMG, if it wasn’t for Sally Fletcher and Lady Gaga, this episode would have made me vomit up my cold soba noodles and dipping sauce. There’s even a guy whose surname is Chuck. There is no way people in the seventies really looked that mank and had pictures of forests wall-papered onto their kitchen. Okay, I can accept that they didn’t have mobile phones or spin classes or shows about vampires back then, but bull everybody wore tracksuits. LIES.
Pubs were really dangerous in the seventies. You could hardly walk into one without being hit with an ashtray, or bashed with the butt end of a gun, or seeing someone wearing flannelette. Now pubs are a lot safer because there’s no ashtrays or flannelette, and anyway I go to The Ivy.
Alison’s totally not even bothering with clothes anymore. She’s just sitting around in the nude in a hotel room with Matthew Newton, saying “Mirry Chrustmus, sixy” and drinking champagne. She has a pretty good idea about cutting the bottom out of suitcases to hide heroin, and she’s really good at maths, which turns Matthew Newton on. If only someone cut the bottom out of Matthew Newton, then we wouldn’t have to look at his anymore hahahaha! He gives Alison heaps of icing sugar to thank her.
There was a confusing bit this week. Okay, so Robert Trimboli sends people to sell drugs in Melbourne. Some uggers (led by Ray Chuck, so I’ll call them the ‘Chucky Uggers’) steal some money from one of Trimboli’s dealers. Trimboli sends the Kane brothers to threaten the Chucky Uggers, which makes the Chucky Uggers want to kill the Kane brothers. Trimboli helps sell the Chucky Uggers some guns to kill one of the Kane brothers, meaning that Trimboli got some of his money back from the guy who stole it in the first place.
So basically I worked that out all by myself instead of doing my Biology homework, but I should be able to get extra credit, because that’s the smartest thing I’ve ever done if you don’t count predicting that vinyl leggings would be huge.
Lady Gaga makes everybody some tea.
Sally Fletcher is in this show, but she’s stopped going on about Milko. She’s married to one of the Kane brothers, and she’s cross because she lives in an ugly house with ugly furniture and has to answer the ugly phone, and because the Chucky Uggers machine-gun her husband to death and leave a mess. She eventually tells the police about it, and Lady Gaga tries not to cry. She keeps her poker face.
Next week the hair gets even worse, and there’s more suitcases, guns and boobs, and there might be more Dieter Brummer. I mean, watching this show is like watching Home And Away through a brown filter.
I have to go get stuff waxed. I’ll see you next week.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Underbelly, A Tale Of Two Cities - Episode 2
By Darzelle Wixton-Smythe
Okay, so it looks like in every episode of this show there’ll be one chopped up body in a bag and eighty thousand nipples. I haven’t seen so many boobs since I last tried on a Sass & Bide frock in a David Jones changeroom, and stood right in that corner where the two mirrors meet, and looked at it at the right angle so your reflection kind of goes on forever. Anyway there’s heaps.
So most of the nipples belong to this new girl Alison, who looks like Jessica Simpson before she got heinous fat, but with the same number of pairs of high-waisted shorts. She does the dirty on her boyfriend with Matthew Newton, because her boyfriend didn’t shave after Movember. When she has sex with Matthew Newton it’s really romantic, like in Gossip Girl. OMG I love Chuck Bass.
There are lots of parties at Bondi in this episode, but everyone’s drinking weird cocktails like Pina Coladas and Daiquiris, not real cockails like Jager bombs.
Matthew Newton gets Alison to take some money to Singapore in her make-up bag, and the guards at the airport don’t suspect anything, which is so gay. Anyone who carries that much make-up would do a better job of covering up her freckles – it’s so obvious she’s a smuggler. She also takes some heroin back into Sydney under her gross shirt, but has to run to the toilets to check if she has her period or something, which really freaks her out.
The guy with the worst hair and the worst moustache in the whole show is punished by being internally searched by an airport guard, and then shot and chopped up by Matthew Newton. Alison waits for Matthew Newton in a hotel room, and there’s blood everywhere, so I guess she did get her period after all.
There’s a party to celebrate everyone being mildly more fashionable than last week, and Alison pashes Matthew Newton right in front of his girlfriend, which she kind of deserves, because she’s serving gherkins.
Gambling was illegal in the seventies, which is I guess why heroin was so big then, because without pokies bogans had nothing to do. A lot of the crooked policement gamble, and you can tell they’re crooked because they’re fugly. All the good cops in this show are borderline cute and have hot wives, but dud cars that drive them to Wagga.
I think the casting is dumb on this show. Matthew Newton doesn’t even look Asian.
Next week, it looks like Sally Fletcher and Lady Gaga are on the show, but I don’t know if they get their tits out.
PS: I love Chuck Bass.
Okay, so it looks like in every episode of this show there’ll be one chopped up body in a bag and eighty thousand nipples. I haven’t seen so many boobs since I last tried on a Sass & Bide frock in a David Jones changeroom, and stood right in that corner where the two mirrors meet, and looked at it at the right angle so your reflection kind of goes on forever. Anyway there’s heaps.
So most of the nipples belong to this new girl Alison, who looks like Jessica Simpson before she got heinous fat, but with the same number of pairs of high-waisted shorts. She does the dirty on her boyfriend with Matthew Newton, because her boyfriend didn’t shave after Movember. When she has sex with Matthew Newton it’s really romantic, like in Gossip Girl. OMG I love Chuck Bass.
There are lots of parties at Bondi in this episode, but everyone’s drinking weird cocktails like Pina Coladas and Daiquiris, not real cockails like Jager bombs.
Matthew Newton gets Alison to take some money to Singapore in her make-up bag, and the guards at the airport don’t suspect anything, which is so gay. Anyone who carries that much make-up would do a better job of covering up her freckles – it’s so obvious she’s a smuggler. She also takes some heroin back into Sydney under her gross shirt, but has to run to the toilets to check if she has her period or something, which really freaks her out.
The guy with the worst hair and the worst moustache in the whole show is punished by being internally searched by an airport guard, and then shot and chopped up by Matthew Newton. Alison waits for Matthew Newton in a hotel room, and there’s blood everywhere, so I guess she did get her period after all.
There’s a party to celebrate everyone being mildly more fashionable than last week, and Alison pashes Matthew Newton right in front of his girlfriend, which she kind of deserves, because she’s serving gherkins.
Gambling was illegal in the seventies, which is I guess why heroin was so big then, because without pokies bogans had nothing to do. A lot of the crooked policement gamble, and you can tell they’re crooked because they’re fugly. All the good cops in this show are borderline cute and have hot wives, but dud cars that drive them to Wagga.
I think the casting is dumb on this show. Matthew Newton doesn’t even look Asian.
Next week, it looks like Sally Fletcher and Lady Gaga are on the show, but I don’t know if they get their tits out.
PS: I love Chuck Bass.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Underbelly, A Tale Of Two Cities - Episode 1
Recapped by Darzelle Wixton-Smythe, an Eastern Suburbs private school girl I just made up.
So, right, there’s this bunch of characters that are supposed to be based on real life people, but with totally fake sideburns.
Matthew Newton is this guy with really blue eyes and a New Zealand accent – he’s all like “guv me the smeck, or I’ll shut on your nick”, or something, and he also paints in the nude. Maybe he paints with his dick, hahaha! His girlfriend stops taking the pill, but it shouldn’t make any difference, because in the sex scene Matthew Newton is like, behind her, and everyone knows you can’t get pregnant like that.
They should call this show Underbelly – The Tale of Two Titties! Hahaha!
Oh, my god, I’ve never seen so much polyester. It’s like Ed Hardy didn’t even exist in the seventies, like Wii or Mickey Rourke.
A guy called Robert Trimboli lives in Griffith, and he grows oranges and makes sandwiches. He organises for this guy, someone Mackay, to get killed, but I don’t know if it’s because Mackay is anti-drugs, anti-oranges, or just sells the ugliest effing furniture I have ever seen in my life.
Anyway, he gets killed and minced, and then his dogs get poisoned, and his wife is upset partly because of that and partly because the wardrobe people keep making her wear orange.
All the policemen smoke a lot, and two of them would be cute if it wasn’t for the totally random sideburns. Everyone’s hair is foul except for the lady policeman, and that’s just because she totally copied her hair from Lady Gaga (OMG I love that song). Some of the policemen are corrupt, and they like sandwiches, which I guess is where Trimboli comes in. I don’t know if any of the policemen like oranges.
The gym in this show is mank. It’s just a whole lot of guys boxing, and there’s no treadmills or Powerade or Body Jam. I didn’t really get this bit, but the guys (whose hair is better than the policemen) do some pushups and then rob the racetrack. They don’t even steal enough money to buy a house.
In the preview for the next episode it looks like the hair is a bit better, so I’ll probably watch it. I don’t know which episode Brooke Satchwell is in, but I hope she doesn’t get minced too.
I’ll see you later. I have to go and buy a handbag.
So, right, there’s this bunch of characters that are supposed to be based on real life people, but with totally fake sideburns.
Matthew Newton is this guy with really blue eyes and a New Zealand accent – he’s all like “guv me the smeck, or I’ll shut on your nick”, or something, and he also paints in the nude. Maybe he paints with his dick, hahaha! His girlfriend stops taking the pill, but it shouldn’t make any difference, because in the sex scene Matthew Newton is like, behind her, and everyone knows you can’t get pregnant like that.
They should call this show Underbelly – The Tale of Two Titties! Hahaha!
Oh, my god, I’ve never seen so much polyester. It’s like Ed Hardy didn’t even exist in the seventies, like Wii or Mickey Rourke.
A guy called Robert Trimboli lives in Griffith, and he grows oranges and makes sandwiches. He organises for this guy, someone Mackay, to get killed, but I don’t know if it’s because Mackay is anti-drugs, anti-oranges, or just sells the ugliest effing furniture I have ever seen in my life.
Anyway, he gets killed and minced, and then his dogs get poisoned, and his wife is upset partly because of that and partly because the wardrobe people keep making her wear orange.
All the policemen smoke a lot, and two of them would be cute if it wasn’t for the totally random sideburns. Everyone’s hair is foul except for the lady policeman, and that’s just because she totally copied her hair from Lady Gaga (OMG I love that song). Some of the policemen are corrupt, and they like sandwiches, which I guess is where Trimboli comes in. I don’t know if any of the policemen like oranges.
The gym in this show is mank. It’s just a whole lot of guys boxing, and there’s no treadmills or Powerade or Body Jam. I didn’t really get this bit, but the guys (whose hair is better than the policemen) do some pushups and then rob the racetrack. They don’t even steal enough money to buy a house.
In the preview for the next episode it looks like the hair is a bit better, so I’ll probably watch it. I don’t know which episode Brooke Satchwell is in, but I hope she doesn’t get minced too.
I’ll see you later. I have to go and buy a handbag.
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