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Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Australia's Next Top Westie Scrag Series Seven - Fly The Scraggy Skies

I can hear a distant sound. It’s like... like two hundred feet tapping, with undertones of swishing polyester and the tortured raising of eyebrows.

That, coupled with the unmistakable odour of hot smoking stupid (the good kind), can only mean one thing.

Series 7 of Australia’s Next Top Model is nigh.

Either that or I’m having a stroke. But that’s the smell of toast, isn’t it? No, it’s probably the model thing. Pretty sure.

It’s a time when pure poetry (like of course “Don’t stop, too hot”) can be found in the opening credits, and pure self-obsessed, bony joy can be found thereafter.

Usually at this time, I log on to the ol’ ANTM website and pass knee-jerky judgement on the modelling hopefuls based on nothing bar a photograph and a sparsely punctuated bio.

But this year the geniuses at Model HQ (I’m sure that’s what they call it when they’re telling the helicopters where to land) are starting with ONE. HUNDRED. MODULES.

That is a lot of menthol cigarettes.

Instead, I’ve been perusing the plethora of profiles and have categorised the girls into different groups. I know. Scientific. It’s like the goddamn Ponds Institute all up in here.

 Girls Who Will Win

Traditionally, any girl I think has winning potential pretty much leaves in the first three minutes. I have better luck predicting the longevity of soap bubbles.

Yolanda. Exotic and that.

Elizabeth - my big tip to win, so she'll be gone before the opening credits roll.

Amelia has no boobs and can tell time. That's pretty much a supermodel.


Girls Who Need Some Sleep

I’m not saying these girls are actual zombies. I’m just saying that they look like they’ve been up all night. And might really want some brains.
Rosie - Either needs sleep or just woke up.
Taylah wants your braaaiiiiinnns. And also your sandwich.
Madeline's pretty. PRETTY HUNGRY FOR BRAINS.


Girls Who Lean Awkwardly

There’s your classic Awkward Lean, favoured by girls who take their facebook profile pictures and manicures very seriously, and then there’s this kind of thing. This kind of I-have-a-vertebra-missing, look-I-can-tie-my-right-shoelace-from-here, anybody-want-a-spare-kidney lean.

Alissandra is doing the world's most lack-lustre Hokey Pokey.

Bianca's hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of her other two sides.

Jessica would like to have a word with you about your posture.

Girls Who Have Pink Hair.

Huh. Just one this year.

Isabelle. Had a little trouble in tinting class.

Girls Whose Kittens Just Died.
Charlotte is sad, but not so sad that she won't wear her kitten-grave-digging boots.
Cheer up, loves.
Madeline isn't so much sad that her kitten died as terrified it's about to.
Don't worry, Tayah. Sooty's in a much better place now.

Girls Who Smelt It And/Or Dealt It.
You say ‘posing’. I say ‘smelt a fart’.

Ashley is just standing very, very still until the smell goes away.

Amy knows someone farted. Amy knows it was you.

Damn, Jessica. It smells like a leopard died in here.
 I could not be more excited if somebody told me James Franco was waiting in my room dressed in a bacon onesie. It starts on August 8th. Anything between now and then is just white noise, except for my recap clip show thing for Project Runway. I KNOW, RIGHT?


Mrs Woog said...

I am more excited about your blog! YAY

lozzy said...

God, there's a Taylah AND a Tayah.

Dusk said...

Yayyyy!!! The best thing about AusNTM is your blog!!!

PetStarr said...

DAY-UM they are ROUGH AS this year. Don't fancy any of their chances much, to be honest - Napoleon's going to have to work overtime on this lot. One thing though - Elizabeth hasn't got a hope. Did you see those hips?!?

Mitzi G Burger said...

I have always been perplexed by Aspirant Models who Lean Awkwardly. Thanks for clearing that up. Excited!

Down the Rabbit Hole said...

I watch these shows in all sincerity but your art form really elevates their already canonic status as style mobiles. I often think the best models are like marionettes that are being operated by a distant kinaesthetic ventriloquist, space stations away, laughing at our desire for marionette-ship.

Anonymous said...

i was worried.. so worried you won't share this pleasure with us..
now i can sleep well knowing you will say the funnier things than me and my drunkard friends do when we are watching the show.
cheers ~

shellity said...

For the inevitable spin-off specifically for awkwardly-leaning contestants, they're tossing up between three working titles:
1. Charlie's Angles;
2. Come On I Lean; and
3. Good Golly Miss Scoliosis

Jo said...

Please don't be funnier than me in my own ghetto.

shellity said...

Funnier than you? Don't think so. But better lift your game a little, just in case.

LaurafromOz1 said...

Yolanda, Yolanda, Yolanda, expensive..twitching my pecs here

The other lot...not with their heads

That is all

little dog said...

Pezza is going to EXPLODE by the end of the year with all this exposure!

We will ALL need protective eye wear for that!

and has any ane else noticed that stylist/mentor Banana Man Josh has had his entire head coloured the same shade as that little blonde bit that once seen... could never be unseen...

kim at allconsuming said...

High-waisted leopard-print leggings. The end.

losfp said...

I was lucky enough to win free tix to the preview screening at Fox Studios - happy night of munching on my free popcorn and choctops and hoping and praying that Claudia Navone would say anything - she didn't, not in front of the common peasants like us... Though I am happy to announce the return of the boganista. This year's Cassi... is Cassi. Keep an eye (and ear) on her.

lisa said...

Yay to the power of 100 scrags. I am excited about many things some of which are listed below.

Jessica's big reveal as actually being Lara Flynn Boyle circa Twin Peaks if she had literally mounted a leopard.

Rosie being revealed as an Andrej Pejic wannabe.

Reading this blog.

Reading it hard.