I think I mentioned last week that I could detect a slight hint of crazy wafting on the wind in New Zealand’s Next Top Model.
Well, I’m happy to confirm this week that a rag woven from fine filaments of crazy has been dipped in a bucket of pure distilled crazy and stuffed up my nostrils, with a crazy suppository chaser. Bitches is well crazy.
But, in retrospect, OF COURSE THEY ARE. It’s makeover week! That glorious time in every series where follicles and tempers get shorter, awkward pauses and trails of upset snot on top lips get longer, walls get padded and I go overboard with analogies.
In a nutshell: Ut’s mintewl.
On the outside, I’m becoming more and more impressed with Sara’s new relaxed attitude towards hair and clothing, despite the fact that this week she’s let someone who drank a combination of black Sambuca and sequins vomit on her shoulder. But hell, we’ve all done that, right? On the inside, though, poor Tit-ro has laryngitis. Mind you, they say she has laryngitis – I think maybe she just burst a blood vessel from pushing out the word “who” too hard in the opening credits. She croaks through the entire elimination process as if she’s just eaten a salad of rasps and broken glass. It’s not funny, though. Other peoples’ illnesses are not funny. Well, until they speak, anyway. Then it’s frigging hilarious. Butter Minthowl?
Not content to let the modules hog the I’ve-just-had-a-haircut spotlight, Chris “These Kegels Are For You” Sisarich has also hed a but of a trum. So have I, Mr Sisarich. So. Have. I.
When we first see Colin Hyphenated-Surname, he has clearly chosen his clothes in the dark from a conveyor belt that runs between the hair salon he’s standing in and your colourblind grandfather’s house. Grey striped cardigan mixes with plaid shirt mixes with a brown tie and trouser. It’s the fashion equivalent of Roy Orbison’s driving skills.
Later, however, he redeems himself, and by ‘redeems’ I obviously mean ‘stabs my retinas’.
Colin is wearing a black fur collar. With bonus black fur lapels.
They’re not attached to a jacket, mind.
Colin has a black fur collar and black fur lapels draped around his neck.
Wait – I think I have a picture of it here somewhere...
Welcome back, Colin. Now eat your kibbles.
That bit where I make fun of the Kiwi accent, because I still find it funny, because I’m four.
Potin-shewl = The abulutty to be bitter.
Your Hear’s A Shembulls = Git a hear-cut, kwuck.
Drestuck = Dremetuck
Dremetuck = Drestuck
Munglung = Muxung with people at a cocktail party and trying not to use the word ‘vagina’.
Perrut Shut = What you’ll be cleaning off your leg in the photo shoot.
Viewers, I believe we have a long lingering close-up on a pile of hair on the floor, repeat – a pile of hair on the floor.
Yes, I know I should mention that they got Colin Hyphenated- Surname to sweep up said pile of hair on the floor, but he was just pretending. It’s theatre, you see. Theatre with a big pile of hair.
A few more cents were also saved at the hairdresser, as they didn’t have to use an extra mirror to show Courtenay the back of her head. Because, you see, that’s this week’s Courtenay’s-Eyes-Are-Really-Far-Apart joke.
• A lot more variety in hairstyles this week, if you don’t count the opening credits – or as I call them, ‘Top-knots In Space’.
• Yeah. I don’t know who Eva is.
• Ladies and gentlemen, it’s a crazy-off. In the ‘Watches You Sleep With A Knife In Her Hand’ corner we have Dakota, who enjoys possessed parrots, dancing in a suit, collecting business cards and using the word “vagina” at cocktail parties. In the ‘Jesus Where Did That Come From’ corner, fresh from the ‘Twins Are Fucking Weird, Man’* Academy we have Elza, who can’t... talk... right... now... because...she’s ... in... spasm...about...people...comparing...her...to...her...sister. Honey, you’re a twin. In a modelling competition. They’re going to compare you. Your name will be “That other ginger”. Deal.
• I was going to say that Danielle’s new hair makes her look like she suddenly stopped surfing three and a half years ago and hasn't had a haircut since, but I won’t, because I’m still convinced there’s a very real chance that she’ll punch me. From New Zealand. Without even getting up out of her chair. She’s like the Chuck Norris of the modelling world, except that Chuck Norris can probably walk in heels.
• Colin calls Danielle “Feral Cheryl”, which means that the search for my next tattoo is over. I’m thinking one word on each buttock, no?
• The jewellery photo shoot with the parrot, who kept crapping on, biting, and generally terrorising the girls, made me sure of just one thing: I would like to buy that parrot a beer.
• Elza wears a straw boater hat to Elimination. This is fantastic for four reasons:
1. I totally lied about the four reasons. Wearing a straw boater hat to Elimination is fucked up.
Aafreen is given the boot because she doesn’t listen to advice and has way too many vowels in her name.
E haere ra, Febreeze! You were a brith of frish air. And a gigantic pain in the arse.
*Yeah, yeah, I know. Except for them.