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Friday, March 26, 2010

It's Not Technically Stalking If He's Just Being Stubborn, Officer.

Last year, a friend of mine (let’s call him Benny, because I’ve got an Elton John song in my head right now (which I kind of hate (but not as much as I hate using brackets within brackets))) and I had a bit of a misunderstanding.

You see, Benny is a sensitive soul, and I’m always right. As a result, I’m often hurting Benny’s feelings without meaning to, and then just assuming that it’s his fault.

Wow. I’m kind of an arsehole.

Anyway, one day I noticed that Benny had stopped talking to me, and it soon became clear that he was ignoring me altogether. I couldn’t remember anything specific I’d done to offend him, so I decided he was just being petty and that if I irritated him – and I mean really, sincerely annoyed the ever-lovin’ crap out of him – he would snap and respond.

I emailed him something new every day. I put quite a bit of effort into it, and thought I should share the highlights with you. So, on the off chance that you’re ever in exactly the same predicament, I present to you:

Perfecting The Art Of The Relentless Digital Harangue – A User’s Guide

Day One
Subject: New T-Shirt Slogan Idea

Might need some workshopping, but something snappy like:


Maybe with a picture. I'm thinking a table of unicorns playing poker.

-no response-

Day Two

Wow. WOW. Your irritating daily email rhymes today. You really hit the jackpot there.

I love to be ignored;
It stops me getting bored.
And when I’m bored I fall asleep,
Wake up, and find I’ve snored.

And to be overlooked?
My place in therapy is booked!
If my self esteem was toast
It would be well and truly cooked.

And oh! To be forsaken!
Irresistible as bacon.
Whilst I look like a fool,
You’re just a hero in the makin’.

I like being disregarded,
‘Cause it helps me be less guarded;
But sending emails daily
Makes me look a bit retarded.

-no response-

 Day Three

Hi, Benny.
Here's a picture I drew of a sad clown.
He's so sad he doesn't even want to play his ukulele.
So I didn't draw a ukulele.
-no response-

Day Four
Hi, Benny.
This is what it would be like if I was dead.

-no response-

Day Five
(inspired by the ‘Posters By Craig’ thing that was the style at the time)

-no response-

Day Six

No, you don't get weekends off, I'm sorry.
It's 'lite' though, as I have better things to do today.
So here are my ten favourite fruits in random order:

Kiwi Fruit, or Chinese Gooseberry
Delicious Apples
Nashi Pears

-no response-

Day Seven

All the punctuation marks on my computer are below. It would be a totally freaky coincidence if they're the same as the ones on your computer.

-no response-

Day Eight

Hi, Benny.
Here’s me being the letter Q.

My fondest regards,

-no response-

On the ninth day, I pretty much just saw Benny at the pub and we said hello to each other, and then we were friends again.

I think it's pretty clear what the moral to this story is:

I need a hobby.



shellity said...

I've got a hobby. Maybe we could share. My hobby is playing a sad ukelele that isn't really there, whilst sniggering.

PS. If you do die at your desk, could you tidy it up a bit first?

PPS. Please don't die at your desk. Or anywhere. I love you too much and I'd have to find another Funniest Person I Know.

shellity said...

PPPS. I've just realised that "I've got a hobby, Maybe we could share, It's playing a sad ukelele that isn't really there" is an excellent song lyric.

PPPPS. I'm not mental. At least I don't think so. But usually mental people are the only people who think they aren't.

Mama Mogantosh said...

Yes, Shelley, but I think after tha first couplet, youcould rock out on 'while sniggering', really get the trills happening.

Jo, if I ignore you will you email me every day like that?

i'll start NOW

Anonymous said...

I was going to respond after day seven, but when I discovered you can't tell the difference between a symbol and an exclaimation mark.......well, I realised it was over.
It's not's just me..Benny

Phillis said...

The nashi pear is only your 10th favourite fruit!
I just don't know who you are any more.

nat said...

fucking awesome. that is all.

kiki said...

i've been ignoring you for months and all i get is the high-pitched universe whispering murderous thoughts in my ear as i watch Cindy Crawford work out videos naked

Jo said...

Yeah, that was me as well.