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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Touch The...

You. There. Wearing the thing. Wanna be part of a new game?

As inspired by comedy hostess Pam Ann.

As invented and played by Charlotte Dawson and Shiny Alex Perry during rehearsals for the Australia’s Next Top Westie Scrag finale (touch microphone, touch scrag, touch Saint Sarah…).

As reported by Shelly Horton in the Sun-Herald’s So Sydney column:

Let me paint you a picture. I attended a recent fancy-pants celebrity launch do packed with somebodies, because (as I believe I’ve mentioned before), I’m just much, much cooler than you are. Deal. Once the general idea of the game was described to me – to find a target and then be witnessed touching the target as obviously as possible - I knew it would change my life.

There was a woman wearing a ridiculous fuzzy hat. Walk past woman wearing a ridiculous fuzzy hat. *touch fuzzy hat*

Instead of recorded music at the function, there was a girl wandering the floor, singing live into a microphone. *touch roaming singer*

Charlotte Dawson was interviewed on camera. *touch interviewer*

Kristin Davis was there. *touch Sex & The City*

*touch fashion designer*

*touch taxi driver*

*touch photographer*

I turned into ‘toucher for hire’, or ‘ninja toucher’ if you will, because I’m basically a nobody, therefore it’s much easier for me to go in for the touch than it is for an actual media personality. Hence, when someone spotted Kerri Anne Kennerley across the room, it was apparently imperative that I slink across and Touch The KAK. *touch*. Success.

By the time I got home from the following night’s ANTM after-party*, there was barely a wannabe or D-lister who hadn’t had my greasy prints smeared on them. Or those of the other players. You know who you are. *touch other players*.

My incredibly beautiful and unbelievably cool sister also got in on the game, drawing up a score card and detailed rules for scoring bonus points, which include:

Bonus points

There are three categories of bonus points:
1. Like A Virgin – the first player to score a touch of any item will receive one bonus point. This should be recorded in the ‘LAV’ square of the score card next to the appropriate item.
2. Live On Camera – any player who touches an item and the fact is recorded on still or video camera for public consumption will receive two bonus points. This should be recorded in the ‘LOC’ square of the score card next to the appropriate item.
3. Bum, Groin or Boobs – any player who successfully and without prosecution touches the buttocks, groin or breasts of a celebrity or security personnel will receive five bonus points. This should be recorded in the ‘BGB’ square on the score card next to the appropriate item.

Combining scores

Combinations of scores are possible. For example, if you touch the pants of a B-List celebrity in the groin area and are snapped by paparazzi doing so, you receive 1 point for the pants, 1 point for the B-List celebrity, 2 points for being on camera and 5 points for the groin.


Any player who touches the buttocks, groin or breasts of an A-List celebrity (without retribution of any kind) will instantly win the game.

Go. Play. And report back regarding your conquests. You won’t be sorry. Unless like, you get arrested, in which case I’ve never met you before in my life.

*Yes, I’m a massive wanker with too much time on my hands. You knew that. Put your eyebrows down.



Dani said...

Ooh, I love the touch game!
I have one question though. Do you get bonus points for other "high risk" touches like Football players? They are very likely to touch back, not a nice touch either! And what about ferocious animals, or Police officers, or very angry people? Oh the possibilities!

Jewels Diva said...

Oh dear, imagine all the things people are going to be touching now!!!!!!