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Thursday, December 11, 2008

Pull The Other One.

There are many under-appreciated and under-utilised things in our world. Things that quietly go about their business enhancing our lives, expecting (and usually getting) nothing more than a limply appreciative nod in their general direction. Things like coasters. Boob-tape. Nutmeg. Dylan Moran.

I’d like to draw long-overdue attention to one such taken-for-granted entity. One that, it could be argued, is the single most efficient and simple solution to, dare I venture, eighty-seven percent of life’s most perplexing conundrums.

My admiration of this engineering masterpiece knows few bounds, and is not based on any deep knowledge of physics, mechanics, or even Bindi Irwin (file under: remains a mystery). No. The love and respeck offered to this humble mechanism stems purely from my insistence that most problems can be solved by it.

Ladies and gentlemen.
I present to you:

The Pulley System.

Before you scoff (or perhaps just after you’ve scoffed, if you tend to scoff prematurely), let me propose the following scenarios:

It’s your turn to buy drinks, and you have the money, but you couldn’t be arsed getting up to go to the bar.
Solution: Pulley system.*

You’re drunk in bed, your blanket’s in a twist, and your feet are cold and exposed.
Solution: Pulley system.*

The remote control is on the far side of the room, where you suspect your housemate has just farted.
Solution: Pulley system.*

Problem: You’re dressed like a tart and one of your boobs has escaped.
Solution: Pulley system.*

Problem: Via a memo delivered by seraph, you’re told that you have to deliver some myrrh to some illegitimate kid in a barn, but you’ve got Christmas shopping to do and can’t spare the time.
Solution: Pulley system.*

Problem: Timmy’s fallen down a well.
Solution: Lassie.*

*Yes, a trained monkey would also be fine. What’s your point?



Anonymous said...

Problem: You’re horny as hell but can't get a date
Solution: Pulley system.

A Grey Area said...

Problem: You have got a date that doesn't believe your last bit of bullshit.
Solution & His/Her answer: Pulley the other one.

shellity said...

I can't believe the pulley system has taken so long to appear here. You were, effectively, stringing me along.

kiki said...

can someone explain the pulley system in greater detail to me please?

i'm struggling to comprehend how a rope and some wheels can achieve so much