Australia's Next Top Westie Scrag Series 8 #6

WOW.

Even for those of you who don’t have a problem with serious dancing errors, terrible art, and pretending to be lesbian fugitives, this week’s episode was

SO.

CONTROVERSY.

Remember, kids: the only problem violence ever solved was a previous lack of violence.

That aside, let’s go bush!*

*Not a euphemism for pretending to be lesbian fugitives.**

**Although good euphemism for pretending to be lesbian fugitives, huh.

Kick up some dirt and make comments about an ass’s arse, it’s the ‘We’re The Scrags From The Bush And We’re Back In Town’ episode of Australia’s Next Top Model.

Don’t strangle stuff.

Housekeeping.

See, with totally accurate and meaningful statistical analyses like the Catchphrase Log to see Who Will Be Reality Television’s Most Over Used Catchphrase, a funny thing happens when somebody almost-strangles someone else in the Australian outback.

The thing that happens is: all the phrases that aren’t “Oh my god” pretty much lose. 

Early showings for ‘This is my dream’ and ‘Give it my all’ have failed so far to follow through, and the zero next to ‘The camera loves you’ is like a personal insult.

To make myself feel better, I’ve decided to release a country album inspired by this week’s episode, and write fictional song titles and fictional songs to go with my fictional respect for country music.

Available in all fictional record stores.

Also, you know how when you first saw the opening credits in episode 2, and you were all like “Success! You’re all winners! Look at those shiny dresses!”, and now that we’re in episode 6, you’re all just like “You’re gone. You’re gone. You’re gone. You’re next”?

Fun, isn’t it?

Learnment

After Abbie remarks upon the gruesome but totally predictable reality that is the double elimination by saying “The competition’s become, like, a lot realer”, I write my first ever country hit entitled ‘You Don’t Love Me No More Now My English Are Bads Wordings’, and then all of a sudden we’re on a bus in the middle of fucking nowhere.

I know, right. How good is this show.

It’s a long bus trip, and each module finds a different way to pass the time.

Shanali looks out the window of the bus, says “Look! There’s a kangaroo!” and then prepares to say that one thousand more times.

Shannon busies herself with VERY DETERMINED READING and a spot of teddy-strangling.***

***Not a euphemism for what happens when I wear a teddy.****

****Although good euphemism for me wearing a teddy, huh.

Ashley whiles away the hours determining who her main competitors are, commenting that “Melissa got best photo two weeks in a row so we’re gonna have to definitely knock her out this week”. Don’t be silly. Nobody gets knocked out on this show. There is no violence on this show. There is no violence. On this show.

Dajana and Duckie dance in their seats alternating between Vogueing and proper dancing, and doing considerable violence to both. Even though there is no violence on this show.

Um….

Yeah, but it's REVERSE racism, so it's okay. Nobody likes you, Adamant Little Guy.

When they arrive at their destination, Broken Hill, everybody is instantly and miraculously wearing cowboy hats and checked shirts and saying stupid stuff.

Jade says “Broken Hill is in country New South Wales, like, western of Sydney. Very western. It’s famous for a few movies, I’m pretty sure? Mad Max and um… Brokeback Mountain?”, earning her this week’s trophy:

The Sweetie No Trophy, For Saying Dumb Shit.

Plus I just wrote a country song called ‘Ain’t No Mountain, Ain’t No Mountin’, because I am a genius.

Ashley says “There’s a donkey here as well. Nice little donkey, his name’s Dollar. It’s got a booty like Duckie”

Oh my god, you're right.

Melissa Sevenhead says “Everyone says I look like Jessie from Toy Story, like the cowgirl, which I don’t really understand”.

Don't really see it myself.

Charlotte Dusty Dawson greets the girls and introduces them to Tim Gauci, one of Australia’s greatest line dancers. As Ashley explains:

“Tim’s a lime dancer. He’s actually one of Australia’s best lime dancers, so he’s travelled around the world and stuff doing lime dancing. I think I’m saying it right. Lime dancing”.

A trophy shared is a trophy mispronounced.

See, the theme this week is ‘teamwork’, and in order to display ‘teamwork’, the scrags will be ‘line dancing’ and I will be ‘making up country songs’ called ‘You Show Me The Point Of This And I’ll Show You Mine’.

Shannon shows a VERY DETERMINED UNDERSTANDING of teamwork by saying intently “If you don’t take direction, you don’t get your shot, you don’t get booked, and you’re letting down the team behind you trying to get the shot’.

But most of all, you're letting down Tracy Flick.

They all learn a line/lime-dancing routine and Abbie and Ashley oh my GOD suck at it. May we move on?

Challenged

Before moving on, Dajana will remind us of where we are by saying “We. Are. In. The. Middle. Of. Nowhere. And I mean like Wolfe Creek type style like nowhere, like if you had a flat tyre you have no hope of ever getting back to any town ever”, and I will remind us that in order to stereotype Dajana’s cultural heritage, I pretty much just use the word ‘fullee’ a lot.

I fullee do.

Diddles and Dawso meet the modules in an open bit of scrub in the middle of another larger open bit of scrub, mention teamwork a bit, talk about some artwork, introduce local artist Cathy Farry, and try not to freak out when Ashley starts to turn into a tree.

And you thought appendicitis was bad.

In today’s totally relevant and meaningful challenge, the girls will work in two teams to embody the local environment in a group artwork, using one of their team members as a model. It’s like Rosalie Gascoigne reaching out the car window and plucking up a totally postmodern road sign or, for the lowbrow amongst you, exactly like chucking some dirt at a board.

Everyone gets dressed in “protective” overalls, which protect from neither paint nor physical assault, and try not to freak out when Melissa Sevenhead also starts to turn into a tree.

She needs a bigger branch because she has a larger... modelling... experience.

Jade is a talented artist, but Ashley says “I’m not very good at art. I got kicked out of every art lesson at school”. Honey, I used to be an art teacher, and I know for a fact that you pretty much have to murder someone and eat their entrails to get kicked out. Or, like, not know what chiaroscuro means or whatever.

The models pose, the modules paint, and what happens next is OUTRAGEOUS.

Dajana TOTALLY BLOWS FLIES OFF MADDY BANANA PADDY AND TELLS HER SHE HAS GOOD BREASTS.

I hope someone told A Current Affair.

Unfortunately (depending on how much you like the colour brown) we never really get to see the finished artworks, because then THE THING HAPPENS.

Now, I know you probably don’t visit this blog for moral guidance, but let’s just say that violence is bad, fun can get out of hand, and a line has to be drawn somewhere, and otherwise I’ll just report what happened without making any jokes about it, okay?

Except for that bit about not making any jokes about it, okay?

After painting, the scrags get a bit excited with the paint and Ashley starts your basic, standard-issue outback paint fight. She smears paint on Dajana with particular enthusiasm, much to Dajana’s disgruntlement (no reason we can’t learn words while we’re learning about life) because she’s wearing a top she borrowed from Taylah. Ashley says “It’s only a joke, don’t take it so seriously”.

IT’S ONLY A JOKE, SEE. DON’T’ TAKE IT SO SERIOUSLY, SEE.

Taylah finds out about her ruined top and contributes quite heavily to the ‘oh my god’ tally. Dajana reports to camera that “Taylah went mental. I’m like, this isn’t going to end well at all”.

NOT GOING TO END WELL, SEE. AT ALL, SEE.

Taylah, with a smile on her face, says “I’m gonna fucking strangle you”.

GONNA, SEE. STRANGLE HER, SEE.

I take a quick break to write a country/pop cross-over song called “I Think I Wanna Strangle You”, when Taylah makes sure we’re all aware of her intentions.

“I’m literally gonna strangle her”, she says.

LITERALLY, SEE. STRANGLE HER, SEE.

Then Taylah, completely by surprise, play-strangles Ashley. Or does the Hokey-Pokey. I can never tell those two things apart.

You put your left hand in...

You put your left hand out...

You do the Hokey Pokey...

And you push it into a bush and make the facebook page go MENTAL.

Ashley gets upset so Shannon offers her some VERY DETERMINED COMFORT...

...while Ashley snuffles that phrase we all use once or twice a day: “They said these were meant to protect our clothes, she didn’t have to strangle me”.

To sum up, let’s get the ethnic sterotype rundown from Dajana.

Your anatomical vocabulary is fuckin' sick, ay.

Um, what do you MEAN, ‘Who won the painting challenge’? Are you new here? God.

Phoy-Toys.

To start off the phoy-toy shoot this week, I’ve written a country song entitled ‘Let’s Put All That Nastiness Behind Us And Get Nasty’. Diddles agrees and meets the scrags just to the left of the middle of nowhere, where he introduces photographer Jordan Graham. Jordan Graham’s three main skills are fashion photography, being a dude with two first names, and having a beard on both the top and the bottom of his head.

Whereas my main skill is making the same double-beard joke that I did in Series 7.

In keeping with the teamwork theme, the girls will be shot today in pairs, as desert fugitive lesbians on the run. They’re given Thelma & Louise as inspirational examples, so I can only suggest that after the shoot’s over someone needs to count the bodies and burning trucks. Jade’s excited because as we know, she loves movies about gay cowboys.

Dajana describes the shoot as intense, sexy, and ‘kinda like, lesby’. I’d scoff, but I’m going to admit something right now – for the next twenty minutes I’m pretty sure my sexuality turns right at Sapphic Avenue and then goes straight down. It’s like rock meets dirt meets danger meets sex meets pleather. I’m getting all flustered. Pass me some water and a penis.

Hottest.

Shoot.

Ever.

Abbie and Duckie are first up, lazing around on a crumpled windmill, because that’s a thing. Abbie explodes hotness from every three-metre-long limb and anyone who didn’t get her before probably does now or else blind. Uncharacteristically, Duckie has trouble with the shoot, and complains a little about circulation in her legs and the endless flies. Jordan NameName says “I need you to model that fly-swatting”. You may laugh, but all the greats have done it.

Fierce.

Fiercer.

Fiercest.

Fierceth.

Maddy and Jade are next, dressed as Joan Jett and Joan Jetter. They model in and on an abandoned car, and they’ve come up with characters for themselves. As Jade says, “We’re pretending we go round the country and we murder bad men”. Seriously, even my couch cushions are lesbians now. Jade absolutely nails the shoot, and once she stops worrying about accidentally flashing a nipple (HNNNNG), so does Maddy Banana Paddy. Jordan NameName says “Don’t worry about your ‘ladies’ – if they come out, I’ll retouch them’. Around Australia, thousands of teenage boys vow to make that their next pickup line.

Dajana, after a quick toenail removal because someone’s already strangled someone so what’s the difference, models with a VERY DETERMINED SHANNON. 

Draping themselves over a Hills Hoist, Jordan NameName asks “Who’s the tough one and who’s the soft one?”. Before anyone can blink, Shannon immediately says “I’M TOUGH!”.

Diddles doubts how tough Ashley and Melissa can be, considering their sweet demeanours, girlish looks, and the fact that both of them turned into trees earlier. Ashley comes through with toughness in spades, but beyond saying “I’m tough! (giggle)”, Melissa doesn’t squirt excellence all over the screen as she usually does. Yeah, I said squirt. I’m a temporary lesbian now.

Finally it’s Shanali and Taylah’s turn, and I’M NOT EVEN JOKING, LET’S GET MARRIED, I’LL PAY FOR THE WEDDING.

Seriously, it's only legislation that's stopping me at this point.

Eliminationosity

Back in the big smoke we run quickly through the prizes, which I think this year include four wire coathangers and a cronut, then we’re stomping into the Eliminatorium in our city clothes, ready to hear our fate. Screamin’ J. Hawkins is there in shiny black, but she neglects to introduce Dawso and Diddles, probably because she’s so excited to see guest judge, Jez ‘Chest’ Smith, as I am.

HIIIIIII CHEST SMITH! You are the only excuse I will accept for missing out on the opportunity to compare Shiny Alex Perry to something that either squints or holds picnic food this week.

Judges look through the photos with a clutch of notable moments:

They LOVE Abbie’s shot, and call her an ‘absolute Amazon’. So now I want vodka. Mind you, I wanted vodka back at the strangling, so no biggie.

In moderation, yo.

Dawso describes Abbie and Duckie’s shot as ‘Dude, my windmill’s collapsed and I’ve hurt my knee’, which coincidentally is also the title of one of my bitchin’ new country songs.

Shannon struts up to the desk with her traditional determination, only to be told by Chest Smith that ‘There’s one person in control in that picture, and it’s not you’.

It’s noted that Melissa Sevenhead has trouble with the looking-tough thang, and Dawso sums up nicely with ‘It happens a lot to girls with your look. You try to look tough and you look constipated. It looks like ‘Oh god, the car’s broken down and I’m dying for a wee’. IT’S ALWAYS THE FRIGGING TOILET WITH YOU, ISN’T IT DAWSON.

Dajana is wearing too much lipstick, Jade and Maddy Banana Paddy impress everyone, Duckie is disappointed, Ashley is proud of herself, and then.

It’s time.

It’s time for these faces.

Whaddaya reckon, Amazing Psychic Desk?

Totally, Amazing Psychic Desk.

Let’s not even pretend that this wasn’t coming. Let’s not even pretend that the subsequent pretending-it’s-between-Duckie-and-Melissa-Sevenhead-but-then-not-eliminating-anybody-else thing fooled us for even a second.

Of course, Taylah from Western Austraylah is disqualified and eliminated.

The only thing we’re not sure of, in Shiny Alex Perry’s absence, is where the lasers are coming from this week.

Of course! Chest Smith's Laser-Nipples.

Pew pew, my friends. Pew. Pew.

Hey, you strangle someone, you get kicked out. That’s just a fact of life. HEY, WAIT! That’s the name of a TV show that ALSO has one black girl in it! Good enough for me.

Bye, Taylah. You were an amazing model, and if circumstances were different, you would have really killed it.

To be clear, I mean 'killed it' as a metaphor.

Either way, any last words?

Exactly.

Australia's Next Top Westie Scrag Series Eight #5

Everybody loves a makeover episode. If episodes were the people you knew at school, the makeover episode would be that popular kid with the heart of gold who always helped push any wheelchairs if there were wheelchairs around, but was also good for bumming cigarettes at the Wednesday night youth centre dance where you pierced that guy’s ear and got blood on your dress and cool makeover episode kid was all like “here’s a tissue”.

If anyone has a better description of a makeover episode, I’D LIKE TO HEAR IT.

Anyway, set your perm and frost your tips, it’s the ‘Wash That Scrag Right Outta My Hair’ episode of Australia’s Next Top Model.

You go, cool makeover episode kid.

***

Housekeeping

I’ll tell you one thing for free, you put crocodiles, haircuts and family members all in one episode and the ‘Oh my god’ count in the Catchphrase Log goes OFF THE FREAKIN’ SCALE. Easily beating out second-place-getter ‘It was amazing’ so far, both reality show catchphrases continue to lord it over ‘That bitch stole my cigarettes’ which just sits there, lonely and unwanted, like a bitch with no cigarettes. 

And when ‘Oh my god’ is in the lead, ‘Oh my god face’ gets splattered all over the joint.

But whatever. We’ve got sped-up sunrises to montage, Nissans to drive in, and gross shit to touch. Let’s do that.

Learnment Challenge

Just after the sped up sunrise and just before the Nissans, Ashley really tells really the really camera “I’m not really fazed by Rhiannon going. I know that sounds really really harsh, but I never really spoke to her, so I just… don’t care really’.

And here’s a picture of Ashley not caring.

Ironically, she has never looked more like Rhiannon.

Suddenly Screamin’ J. Hawkins is sending the scrags a Jen Mail from a make-up chair because shut up they don’t pre-record those and she is a BUSY lady.

She says “Today is no walk in the park”.

Which makes me think that at least some of today will literally be a walk in the park.

Then “I hope you haven’t bitten off more than you can chew”.

Which makes me think that there will be teeth, and potential chewing, and hope.

Then “See ya later, alligators”.

Which makes me look for stock images of people on the internet who have not a single mosquito’s testicle of an idea what she’s talking about.

Confused business lady

Confused Asian business lady

Confused bimbo

Confused dickhead

After a minute or two of making Scooby-Doo noises, the modules arrive at the Australian Reptile Park for what will no doubt be a meaningful and relevant challenge with a clear winner and a huge cash prize.

Diddles is there, and he greets them with a chicken on a stick, which is surprisingly not a euphemism for his penis. Because we all know how much a penis looks like… because of the skin, and… y’know… the feathers… the clucking… OH GOD, IT’S BEEN SO LONG.

Hrr-hrm.

Diddles and a park attendant are standing DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ONE OF THE MOST TERRIFYING THINGS ANYONE CAN STAND IN FRONT OF.

OH THE HUMANITY

Diddles calls the croc a ‘hunka-hunka-burning croc’, because its name is Elvis and he had to leave his university wordplay tutorial early just to be here today.

Ashley says “He looked like he wanted to eat Didier. I guess he could mistake Didier for a chicken with the little hairdo” while she does THIS:

Begark.

And if that immediately makes you think of THIS:

Begark.

Then let’s go have a beer.

In what sounds like the world’s most difficult-to-classify porn film title, Diddles feeds his chicken to Elvis while everybody screams. He then says “As a top model, you need to have the confidence to face your fears”. Oh, THAT’s where we’re going with this, on this industry-accurate televised modelling competition. Righto.

Dajana takes the opportunity to make a list of her myriad of fears, which is extensive. I take the opportunity to stereotype Dajana’s cultural heritage and also to point out that I’ve just used ‘myriad’ in a sentence.

OMG so myriad.

Abbie mentions that her single, all-encompassing fear is snakes, however the specific fears that Diddles is referring to will initially be the completely reasonable fear of dividing yourself into two teams and  plunging your hand elbow-deep into a jar of your writhing nightmares in order to retrieve sixty fucking cents.

Duckie is fine.

Duckie is calm.

Duckie is composed.

Duckie nearly scares herself wh… nothing. Never mind.

I didn't even say it, Adamant Little Guy.

The winning team jumps up and down, excited that they’ve won… a… a… a nothing.

 Next, Diddles asks who wants to kiss an alligator. Everybody does, of course! I’ve kissed four alligators and a Komodo dragon just this morning!

Through a barrage of outrageously hilarious ‘I’ve kissed worse before haw haw haw’ jokes, a few girls take turns kissing an alligator, confusing a number of pre-teen boys watching and no doubt scarring them/their poor unsuspecting socks for life.

When Shanali goes to kiss the surprisingly stoical reptile, it’s revealed abruptly that she’s never been kissed before, which upsets her somewhat, being on national television and all. She cries, and the entire nation gives her through-screen hugs, because she is perfect and my best friend. NO TONGUE, THOUGH.

Before you know it, Diddles has another highly meaningful activity, as Dajana describes:

“Didier got us to lie down…”

UM WHAT

“…and then he brought out this green….”

UM WHAT

“…box…”

UM WHAT

Anyway, it has a massive snake in it. Called ‘Fluffy’. So this week we ALL get a trophy, for ALL thinking of exactly the same joke at the same time.

The Who Let Fluffy Off The Chain trophy. Congratulations everybody.

 Abbie freaks out for an entire fifteen seconds, and then everyone just relaxes and lets the next caption write itself.

I might not, though.

Finally Diddles says that as a reward for the girls, he’ll end the day with something that really is a little fluffy and then looks down at his crotch.

Dude, see a doctor.

Let’s not talk about the fact that these challenges have no winner, no prize, and no vocational value. Let’s just move on to…

MAKEOVER TIME, BITCHES.

Oh, hang on. We’re back from the ad break, and Dajana and Brooke are getting married. Either I fell asleep and I’m dreaming, or this is a side-story that’s stopping us from watching people crying real peroxide tears into a salon wash-basin.

I fullee do.

 This unholy union is, like the seemingly superior production quality of 'Model Cam', an outrage. If we let models marry each other, what’s next?

I, Jo, take you, Google image search...

FINALLY the modules are off to the salon, and I begrudgingly admit that at this point, Dajana summarises how everyone feels about the makeover episode better than I ever could, although I can probably still moonwalk better than she can. She says:

“Every model that comes on Australia’s Next Top Model, if she doesn’t make it to makeover… honey, you were never on the show”.

It’s like Marcel Duchamp saying “I might take the piss out of traditional art paradigms a smidge” or, for the lowbrow amongst you, like Taylor Momsen saying “I look a tiny bit like a crackwhore sometimes”. 

Nailed it, ladies and gentlemen.

Back at home, eliminated contestants Whatserface and Thingumajig weep quietly into their green smoothies.

The budget must be tight this year, as they’ve recruited yet another retarded work experience kid to cut the girls’ hair today.

If that thing's wearing crocs, run for your lives.

Speaking of tight budgets, makeovers today will be taking place at the Australasian College Of Hairdressing, the Solange Knowles of salons. Now, one of the reasons I love makeover episodes, aside from the transformation and general sobbing, is that nobody in the entire history of hairdressing has ever looked good at the hairdresser’s. See?

I'll be your foils, Laertes. 

Duckie gets a pink buzz cut, and since we’re all pretty sure she’s putting her wig back on as soon as this competition’s over, she’s reasonably philosophical about it.

Brooke is told she’s going ‘Paris runway chocolate brown’ which is kind of cheating, because everything sounds better with the words ‘Paris runway’ in front of it. Paris runway haemorrhoids. Paris runway atopic dermatitis. Mrs Johnson, your husband has Paris runway prostate cancer. Fierce.

Dawso tells Shannon that whilst her hair is plentiful and beautiful…

Yes? What? Yes?

…it’s just not versatile.

YOU TAKE THAT BACK, RETARDED WORK EXPERIENCE KID.

April, given a chic pixie cut befitting of all French robots, monotones: “I guess we’ll all just have to wait and see because no-one’s got a choice in the matter we get what we’re given and we have to work with it”, proving that her accurate situational-processing software has uploaded successfully.

Dajana brings honour to her family by reacting heavily dramatically to four centimetres of hair loss.

Jade gets an awesome fringed rock cut, Melissa and Abbie stay exactly the same, Maddy gets a bit shorter while Taylah from Western Austraylah gets a bit blonder, and Shanali has the unique honour of having hair torn out of her face with a piece of string.

She cries, again because she didn’t want that sort of thing to happen on TV. Shanali, I love you a lot, but honey, this is a television show and those are television cameras and you’re on television and television television television.

But I love you a lot.

But television.

To show off their new makeovers, the scrags strut their marginally-less-hirsute stuff on a catwalk in front of magazine people, modelling agency people, and SURPRISE RELATIVES AND LOVED ONES OH MY GOD people.

This is what twelve surprised people look like.

Okay, eleven surprised people and one constipated one. Hey, Abbie.

We learn what Taylah’s girlfriend looks like. We learn what Brooke’s boyfriend looks like. We learn that Ashley is kind of mean to her mum. We learn that Melissa Sevenhead has a definitely-fraternal twin sister. We learn that family reunions are heart-warming. We learn that family reunions are kind of boring.

We learn that I will take the most tenuous opportunities to make a retro sitcom theme song relevant to this thing. They said ‘family’! I know a thing about a family!

Sha-la-la-laaaaaaa

Heartwarmingly and respectfully: get the fuck on with it.

Phoy-toys.

Back from the ad break for probably tampons, we learn more about the prizes, which I think this year include a full set of wicker bedroom furniture and a packet of Sherbies.

All of a sudden Shiny Alex Perry is corralling the modules in Hyde Park and introducing them to photographer Harold David, who tells them they’ll be doing a 90s-style Calvin Klein-esque phoy-toy shoot today.

Also from the 90s: having two first names and this hat.

Also from the 90s: some of Alex Perry's forehead.

Harold Two-Names tells the girls he wants them to concentrate and focus.

No problem, Mr McAllister.

While the scrags go into hair and make-up, we amuse ourselves with a Hyde Park montage – trees, birds, passers-by, and this specific drug deal.

Daaaaaaad, I told you not to hang out in paaaarks.

In silky nighties in front of an entire city plus pigeons, each girl has their turn looking simple and elegant and versatile and serene and sexy and windswept and adjectives. 

Jade and Taylah from Western Austraylah are magnificent, but Maddy Banana Paddy, probably distracted by our own impending nuptials, has to have two goes before she gets it right, as does French Robot April. Brooke is gorgeous but not outrageously interesting, and Howard Two-Names remarks that Shannon really only works from one angle.

Melissa hits it out of the park, non-literally but totally, the length of Shanali’s limbs (plus her persistent perfect thing) impresses everyone, Dajana suits the shoot to a tee, and Duckie is smoulderingly magnificent, even without her usual retina-shattering smile. Abbie is way better suited to this shoot than last week's ladylike one, but Ashley is… well, kind of annoying, telling Shiny Alex Perry that she’s surprised he didn’t compliment her hair.

Because you know how Shiny Alex Perry is always handing out compliments, in the same way that stegosauruses are always wearing top hats and dancing in your refrigerator?

The phoy-toy shoot, with its very similar nighties and uniform styling and backdrop, makes it very hard to guess which girl is going home this week. Singular. Girl. Going home. All by herself. One.

Eliminationosity

We’re in the Eliminatorium, where Screamin’ J. Hawkins is dressed as a glamorous tomato, Dawso is dressed as a glamorous bottle of Windex, and Diddles is dressed as someone in a period British stage musical.

Innit.

Meanwhile Shiny Alex Perry continues his gradual yet assured transformation into an actual picnic table.

Let’s just take this thing to its logical extension, shall we, Shiny Alex Perry?

Photos are leafed through and chit-chat is engaged in with the chit-chattiest of intentions.

Dawso claims Melissa Sevenhead is likely an impostor from the actual realm of working modules. Shiny Alex Perry comments that she’s “The only short model that I’ve ever liked”, which is as close to a compliment as anybody’s going to get from ol' Pass The Wet Ones Perry.

Jade has her new fringe pinned back, which perplexes the judges. Screamin’ J. Hawkins, clearly not paying attention, says “You have a fringe?”.

“Yeah, I have a front fringe”, replies Jade, careful to divert suspicion away from her dorsal and lateral fringes.

Gathering courage and momentum, she adds “I have plenty of time to show you guys my fringe” with a confident smirk. What do you say to that, Amazing Psychic Desk?

Scrags exit, judges deliberate, scrags re-enter, and Melissa Sevenhead gets photo of the week because PSSSSHHPOOOWWWW explosion of excellent.

Names are read out one by one until only French Robot April and Brooke, still technically on her honeymoon, remain.

Some very stressful minutes, during which Ashley makes a promise she can’t keep in the form of guaranteeing Brooke’s safety pass, and…

DOUBLE ELIMINATION!

THING THAT HAPPENS EVERY SERIES SHOCK!

Shiny Alex Perry will have to work twice as hard on his laser-eyes this week.

That is one talented picnic table.

 Bye, Brooke! You were poised and pretty and fake married and stuff.

Bye, April! Any last words?

Exactly.