If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then the whole face is like the garage roller-door to the psyche. Either that, or I really need to start buying better fortune cookies.
Sure, it might seem that this episode was all about health, fitness and brand marketing, but really it was all about facial expressions.
Well, not Charlotte Dawson or Shiny Alex Perry’s, obviously.
Welcome, express-o-rinos, to the ‘The First Time Ever I Saw Your Scrag’ episode of Australia’s Next Top Model. Now turn that frown upside-down (Dawson and Perry, once again, excepted).
Finally, after weeks of nicey-nicey, things are getting all bitchy up in here. Know how I know? Because of the presence of the official, scientifically detected, guaranteed SBG, or Sideways Bitch Glance. It’s unmistakable.
It first makes its appearance outrageously early in the episode, as Simone shows her intense sorrow over Alissandra’s departure by saying “I didn’t particularly like Alissandra, because she was always just saying really DUMB stuff”.
|That's the pot calling the other thing something. Hahahahahahaha Wheee! Kittens.|
One of the reasons Doik dislikes Alissandra is because she took some Milo home with her.
I don’t think you understand.
TOOK IT HOME.
|Oh, the humanity.|
Neo tells us that Simone is getting on her nerves. You could almost say she doesn’t like her.
A Sarah-Mail sends the scrags to Bondi in a Fashion Fiesta cavalcade, where they’re met by Charlotte Dawson and Luke Hinze, who I would nickname Skeletor Luke The Rubber-Faced Terror-Tron if I wasn’t so terrified that he was about to eat my soul.
|This is Luke saying 'good morning'.|
|This is Luke asking everyone how they are.|
|This is Luke telling a knock-knock joke.|
|And this is Luke eating your liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.|
Dawson is given a whistle and a megaphone because the Geneva Conventions don’t extend to televised modelling competitions.
Before being asked to complete incredibly complex and advanced tasks like star-jumps and sit-ups, the modules are required to organise themselves into three rows of four. They fail.
|Which is totally fine.|
Izzy attempts some star-jumps, but doesn’t manage to co-ordinate her hands, feet, and stupid stupid stupid cartoon hair-bow.
|But I play the jug in a band.|
Neo says that exercise is hard. You could almost say she doesn’t like it.
Caroline keeps her feet still and just moves her arms. You could almost say she’s an arsehole.
Rachel tries to do one sit-up. She fails.
|WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW, FEEBLE HUMAN|
Eventually and inexplicably, the girls are paired up and told that they’ll be running in a relay to reach some BUCKETS OF MYSTERY.
|It's pronounced 'Bucket'.|
Simone and Neo are coincidentally teamed up in a coincidence, because (coincidentally) the producers are completely unaware that they hate each other’s guts. Neo doesn’t like it. You could almost say she doesn’t like it.
The relay is run, and Neo, despite her lack of exercise and crappo diet, completely blitzes it. Probably because she’s... oh. Well, because generally speaking... er... history has shown.... um... gold medals.... oh, look, fuck it.
The girls reach the buckets, look inside, and discover rubber gloves, a highlighter, a tea-bag, a water bottle, a kitchen sponge, and five pieces of coal.
Five pieces of coal.
Caroline runs toward a bucket on a beach to find that it contains five pieces of coal. This is why I want to pash this show on the lips and touch its boobs.
Izzy thinks that maybe they’re going to be cleaning the beach.
|'Cause sand is just dirt on holiday.|
After using the phrase “I had no idea” eighteen or nineteen times, the scrags rock up to a studio with their, as Doik puts it, ‘spastic items’, where Dawson and marketing guru Rob Belgiovane tell them that they’ll be scripting their own 30-second promo for their items to be filmed and judged. Now, I know that watching unfit skinny-legged teenagers write things on a piece of paper about coal sounds interesting, but I’m momentarily distracted by an empty space where coal used to be.
My new-best-friend Elizabeth is unenthusiastic because it’s “Something to do with talking, and I’m not really good at that”.
Simone is unenthusiastic because she has to work with Neo, because, for those of you in a coma on the moon, they dislike each other a bit.
My reserve-new-best-friend Yolanda isn’t so much enthusiastic as determined.
|And possibly mildly constipated.|
The real enthusiasm comes when the challenge prize is revealed. Girls on the two winning teams will be allowed to attend a Cartier function wearing Alex Perry gowns and Cartier diamonds. So, kind of working, but not getting paid for it. THAT IS SO FRIGGING EXCITING!
|I totes love exploitation for total reals!|
Liz looks half-pissed, and Amelia states that her teabag makes her nervous, becauszzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Caroline and Hazel, despite eventually kicking arse, have trouble initially because they’ve never seen an advertisement for coal before, and as Caroline says “What does anyone actually use coal for anymore?”.
|OMG you're right! You guys can stop digging now.|
Maddy and Rachel do pretty well, Montana and Jess are okay but a bit ch... okay, look. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because of two awesome things.
Awesome Thing Number One.
Doik Simone wants to write a rap to spruik her water bottle, and this is what she comes up with:
Welcome to the 21st century,
Where bottled water is so expensive lately.
While the ghetto gravity of that sinks in, I’ll just take the opportunity to hand this week’s trophy to Doik.
Awesome Thing Number Two.
It’s like Brett Whiteley finding a free source of heroin AND a big new tub of blue paint or, for the lowbrow amongst you, like Justin Bieber tripping over his own stupid shoes and landing in a vat of lava and wild dogs.
The next day, the modules arrive at grand and historic Strickland House, because lord knows you can’t sit around on the grass just anywhere. This week’s shoot is for a tooth, hair and nail supplement from Blackmores, with the winning shot to be included in a national campaign. I wish there was something funny about that. I do.
Josh Nielsen/Brigitte Flinn gees the girls up for their shoot, because my mate Shane has Photoshop and a tiny bit too much time on his hands, and I'm not even close to finished with this gag yet.
|You may thank Shane for your next three nightmares.|
More importantly, photographer Gabrielle has one of those hats that makes her look like a crazy person with a rifle.
|Be veeewy quiet.|
When Josh asks her what she wants from the scrags today, she answers “lots of natural energy, and magic’. Yep. Thanks for the totally do-able and specific brief there, crazy rifle lady.
Dressed in business shirts, gum boots and undies, each girl rolls around in the freezing, windy grass trying to look natural and pose but not pose and just do what you’d do walking down the street or at a nightclub and give me more, girl, GIVE ME MORE. Modelling is so hard you guys.
Jess, Hazel and Simone are pretty good. Madeline is asked to find a middle ground between vitamins and Viagara (tomato, tomato), Montana is gob-droppingly amazing, and Neo looks like she’s just come home from a long day’s work at the lame place where they do the lame things.
Caroline is stiff and awkward, but not arseholey, because my world is all topsy turvy and shit. BE AN ARSEHOLE, CAROLINE. GOD. Make things right again.
Yolanda is told not to think, because look up model in the dictionary, that’s why.
I love this point, about halfway through the competition, when the remaining modules have already worn all of their best outfits to elimination, so they’re left to scrape the bottom of the outfit barrel. Speaking of which, I’m sorry my library book is overdue Mrs Madeline Teen Librarian, and Izzy, if you’re here, then who’s turning around and around inside my jewellery box?
And oh my god. Guys. Hey, guys. Guess wha – guys. Yo, guys. Rachel didn’t thank anyone for anything this week. What with that and Caroline not being an arsehole, it’s a brave new world, and I don’t like it. I DON'T LIKE IT.
ANYWAY, Saint Sarah greets the girls in the Elimination Barn, having just sprinted in after leading the Nobody Uses Coal Anymore Fun Run. She introduces Charlotte Dawson (dressed today as Sergeant Pepper’s bit on the side), Shiny Alex Perry (dressed today as an ineffectual ninja whose special weapon is squinting) and photographer Gabrielle Revere, who does that American thing where everything sounds like a question? You know?
As photos are shuffled through and deliberated over, the Zingy Zingo-Tron is taken out for a spin, with nuggets like:
“If you are what you eat, then you must’ve been eating baby puppies” – WOOF ZING!
“It looks like you fell asleep in the park, woke up, and somebody was dragging you by the feet” – HAYFEVER GRASS ALLERGY ZING!
“I reckon she’s a Stepford model” –BOOK/FILM REFERENCE ZING!
“This is a modern day tragedy. How tragic that you are upstaged by a lawn” – SHAKESPEAREAN GARDENING ZING THAT WAS ON THE PROMO!
Then Caroline does this:
...which makes me feel bad for calling her an arsehole for six weeks. Magic Psychic Desk says:
Names are called out one by one until just Neo (who doesn’t seem to like it) and Caroline (who used to be an arsehole) remain.
Two swift kicks to the guts pass, and SHOCK DOUBLE ELIMINATION SHOCK! both girls are sent home.
Bye, Neo and Caroline! I’ll miss how you kind of hated everything!
They skip out of the Eliminarium hand in hand.
You know what? I don’t even care if this one-verse-per-episode country song is the longest and most confusing country song ever written. It will all make sense with banjo. EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE WITH BANJO. Verse 6:
On the beach but you can’t quite reach ‘cause your abs are weak as blubber;
You’ll be trained by Luke ‘til you nearly puke, with his face like scary rubber.
If you market well, then you have to sell whatever crap is in your bucket;
Put your bottle in place across your partner’s face, she’s a bitch so she can suck it.
Then get on your arse on the freezing grass with your teeth, nails, hair all glowing;
Now roll on your back and ignore the fact that your underpants are showing.
Neo’s time is nigh – Caroline? Goodbye! Time to leave your newest besties;
You’ve got a pretty face, but you’ve lost your place ‘cause your attitude sucks testes.