Shebagabang's Next Top Model Series Two #13 - THE FINALE

You know what happens when you write a whole introduction to a New Zealand’s Next Top Model recap, including references to shoulder-pads, rainbows, journeys, and seeing Chris Sisarich’s nipples down at Bondi, and your computer chucks a distinctive and unrestrained wobbly, eradicating any changes you made?



This. This is what happens.

So basically, now I’m cross. And, naturally, a little bit drunk. Cross and drunk. Let’s see what that does to the quality, shall we?


The Judges

Sara Tetro

Oh, Sara. If I had a couch with cushions as big as your first outfit’s shoulders, and with fabric as couchy as your second outfit’s couchy, couchy fabric, I’d never leave the loungeroom.*


Chris Sisarich
If the Hulk up there saw your grey waistcoat, do you know what he’d say? He’d say:
HULK NO LIKE GREY WAISTCOAT. GREY WAISTCOAT HIDE NIPPLES. MAKE HULK SAD.

Of course, the Hulk is totally gay in this scenario. He’s a big green gay man who likes nipples and hates waistcoats.


Colin Mathura-Jeffree
I’ve got a bone to pick with you, Colin Hyphenated-Surname. You keep me waiting for the WHOLE SERIES. That’s EIGHTEEN HUMAN YEARS. Waiting.
Then, in the very last skerrick of the very last episode, you finally get your hairspray out.
Wait – I think I have a picture of it here somewhere...

Yeah, I’m sorry. I wasn’t really concentrating.

The Icksint
You do realise that after this, you’re on your own don’t you? That no-one will be here to guide you through the ups and downs (hulls end villeys), the convolutions (uns end outs) of the Kiwi accent? HOW WILL YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE EXECUTIVES IN THE BOARDROOM ARE SAYING??

Sinsutuv Skun = Skun whuch gits pumples and reshes end thet.


A But Too Sun-Sear = This finale episode. See also: Borung.

Whuttle Ut Down To Two = What the judges have to do.

Puck-nuck Blin-kut = What Colin Mathura-Jeffree makes most of his suit jackets out of.

Dulimma = What Sara Tetro pretends she’s in right before she kicks Nelza’s arse out on the street

Shutballs = An expression of surprise common to wunners of modellung competushuns.




Budgetirry Lumutations
Let’s not kid ourselves. The whole episode, nay, the entire series can be summed up with Michaela’s parting words:
“I’m gonna keep modelling and make my own money, and get my own Ford Fiesta”.
You hitch that wagon to a star, Michaela.




Bist Buts


• According to Danielle, there are three different cultures – Maori, South African, and Ranga. It’s so cute when some people can’t tell the difference between a culture and a disability!


• Nelza is gone. This is the bist but of all the bist buts. Bye, robot retard who puts full stops at the end of every syllable! We’ll miss you. Kidding.


• Spoken ads for Cover Girl: Woeful.


• Still shots for Cover Girl: Woeful.


• Stadium wearable-art catwalk thingo: Woeful.


• Caged toy tigers in hip-embellished dress: Get me one immediately. If there’s a matching unicorn-bra, I may just explode. And sort of achieve world domination at the same time. Whilst exploding. I know. It’s not a coincidence that that’s your dream too.


• Michaela is wearing hooves, and there are dogs dressed as elephants. THERE ARE DOGS DRESSED AS ELEPHANTS. These are the best goddamn mushrooms I’ve ever eaten. The only thing that could make this better would be to hear someone with a Kiwi accent say “psilocybin”.


Aaaaaand Danielle wins.


What? That’s supposed to be amazing or awesome or something?


There were dogs dressed as elephants, dude. Git some perspicktuv.


(Congratulations, you tops freckled scary thing, you).




*Reports that I do not, in fact, ever leave the loungeroom are inherently false and clearly spread by vicious rumour-mongers who have never seen me dance.