Like Nostradamus, Athena Starwoman and Steven Jacobs, there’s nothing I like more than making desperately inaccurate predictions based on tiny pieces of borderline-useless information. For example, I predict that you’re on your way over to my house now with midgets and gin, purely because I kind of wish you were.
Consequently, as has become tradition here at Jo Blogs, I’ll be having a gawk at the new crop of modules about to feature on Australia’s Next Top Model (check ‘em here), and, based only on the website information and that found in my Foxtel magazine, taking wild, flailing guesses at their personalities, chances of success, and likelihood of stabbing other contestants in their sleep.
It’s also become tradition for the modules and their family and friends to Google their names, find these predictions and leave comments accusing me of being fat, friendless, petty and cruel. Hello and welcome! I secretly love you.
Kathryn Lyons, 20
Long neck, kick-arse brows and an unfortunate habit of leaving her mouth hanging slightly open. Has the veneer of an educated sophisticate, which leads me to think she just might be the unmitigated slapper of the series. A glint of bitchiness in her eye, which may make up for her inability to fill a bra. Will be eliminated near the middle of the series for making a photo-shoot for fragrance look like Debbie Does Deodorant.
Brittney Dudley, 16
Aw, Britney – why the long face? Tall with gorgeous eyes, pouty lips and killer hair, Brittney looks like she excels at school in the twin areas of P.E. and recess. Keeps an extra ‘T’ in her name and an extra dictionary in her handbag – you never know when you might have to read a road sign or something.
Sophie Van Den Akker, 19
Blessed with an incredible face and body, the main thing that stands out to me about Sophie is the fact that I’ll be able to make fun of her surname. The Top Model gods keep sending me multi-syllabic Dutch names, and for that reason I will keep a vitriol-scented candle burning in my shrine to them forever. Still, she’s amaaaazing-looking, so I’m predicting a win. Unfortunately for Sophie, almost every girl I’ve ever predicted as the winner has been booted by the third week.
Jessica Moloney, 19
Jessica has the kind of beauty that makes you suspect she’s concealing a weapon. Her nostrils narrowed through years of looking down her nose at people, she strikes me as both haughty and hungry. When making her, Mother Nature sculpted a gigantic forehead, impressive cheekbones and two massive eyes, and then said “Dang. I’ve run out of clay”. Looks smart. Looks dangerous. Looks like she’s got six weeks max.
Alison Boxer, 16
Alison seems upset about something, and not just the fact that her surname is “Boxer”. Her face is on the edgy side of the fence, whilst her hair sits uncomfortably on the let-me-find-you-a-hairbrush-honey side. I’m predicting quiet, brooding, and stabby when she doesn’t get enough sleep. Her suitcase will contain a minimum of three hoodies and one packet of menthol cigarettes.
Kelsey Martinovich, 19
I’ll admit it – I’m a little bit frightened of Kelsey. She’s angular-beautiful, with the kind of face and eyes that say “change the charge to manslaughter and I’ll tell you where I hid the bodies”. Speaking of which, I’d probably kill for her eyebrows. Will use her pointy elbows to nudge her way through to the top 5.
Ashton Flutey, 18
Ashton has a ridiculously good body that she appears to have lost the instruction manual for. All awkward angles and (admittedly impressive) big boobs, she will have trouble posing but make up for it with her party trick of being able to scratch her ankles without bending over. There’s an excellent, excellent chance that Ashton has been hungover since she was fourteen.
Joanna Broomfield, 18
Joanna is woken each morning by a baby unicorn, who nuzzles her nose gently and whispers fairy secrets in her ear. One of those secrets is “Your mouth is a really long way away from your eyes”. Slender form and enchanting green eyes notwithstanding, Joanna will spend a good deal of her late 30s wearing pearls and drinking tea, reminiscing about her few short weeks in this competition.
Ashlea Monigatti, 16
My spell-check tells me that there is no such name as Ashlea Monigatti. Alas, it is also inserting a wiggly red line under her presence on this show. I have no doubt whatsoever that she’s the prettiest girl on her school bus, and that boys find her piercing eyes and adorable freckles irresistible. I, however, find myself distracted by watercress sandwiches (no butter). Bye.
Amanda Ware, 17
I don’t care what Amanda’s real voice is like – in my head, just from looking at a couple of photos, she speaks like a Venezuelan dancer on her first day in Hollywood. “Joo know ai have der lawng legs an der come-a-hitherr eyes dat are dark like der chocolata, yaiss? Ayayayayayayay! Less go and drink tequila, yaiss?” Gorgeous and exotic, but possibly not unique enough to go all the way. Ole!
Chantal Croccolo, 19
Chantal has an air of the sexy chanteuse about her, possibly because she’s the only girl with a tan in the entire competition. Everyone will want to be friends with Chantal, and the sun will shine out of every orifice (which might explain the tan). She’s exotic, sultry and girl-next-door all at the same time. I don’t smell winner, but I do smell a definite contender. And a little bit of coconut oil. Wait – doesn’t that mean I’m having a stroke? No, right – that’s toast. Sorry. Carry on.
Claire Smith, 18
Claire will prove invaluable when bottles need to be opened, or when there are small animals that need their heads bitten off. Those are some teeth. It looks like her body is the absolute bidness, but it remains a mystery why it doesn’t topple forward more often. Might make enemies in the house when she uses up all the toothpaste.
Megan Jacob, 17
Megan instantly reminds me of the old chestnut “it’s more afraid of you than you are of it”, in which case she must be pretty goddamn afraid of me. Her stunning green eyes stare unblinkingly into that bit of my brain that controls bladder weakness, which is right next to the bit that makes me wonder where her eyebrows went. Yet a part of her looks like she’d bake you cookies if you helped her with her homework. I... I just want her to blink and be happy.
Sally Geach, 18
“Mummy, why is that pretty girl so angry?”
“She’s not, darling, she’s just hungry”.
When Sally isn’t dotting her ‘i’s with lovehearts and smiling her impish grin, she’s nibbling on air and taming her eyebrows. I don’t really know what kind of a vibe I get from Sally, except perhaps “meh”.
Valeria Nilova, 16
With her tennis-player name, ice-blue stare and lanky, awkward stance, Valeria will definitely be in the top sixteen girls this year. She will go on to do reasonably well in her final year exams, and be the employee of the month at the cosmetics counter at least twice.
Kimberly Thrupp, 20
Blonder-than-blonde and with a figure that makes me want to end it all, Kimberly has already been in the news for being mildly disdainful of her previous employers, the Gold Coast Meter Maids. Thusly, I expect big things from her in the triumvirate areas of bitchiness, attention-seeking, and always having spare change available. DO NOT LET ME DOWN, KIMBERLY.
So there you go. I reckon my accuracy rating is at about 30%, but only because I tend to spell the names correctly.
Series 6 starts on Tuesday, July 20th.
Bring it, scrags. Bring it a lot.