Like a fat girl with a voucher for a free pair of Spanx, I'm bulging with excitement and anticipation for the new series of Australia's Next Top Model, which will be galloping onto my telly exactly a month from now.
My excitement was given an additional camel-toe this afternoon, when I attended, along with about nine thousand other people an eighth my age, a filming of one of the upcoming model challenges. A full report is below, however since I so thoroughly respect the confines of confidentiality associated with pre-filmed television, I've taken the liberty of censoring all the parts that might give the game away. I hope it's still as enjoyable and enlightening as I find you all. Especially you there, with the pert nostrils. Nice work.
The Thing At The Thing With All The Things.
On a bright, cool Winter's day, my fashionable and sophisticated friends and I queued up outside ____ on ____ Street, just around the corner from ____, where I once ____ed an effeminate yet unbelievably hirsute English gent until he ____ his ____. Twice.
Once we made our way past security, we were each handed a bottle of lightly carbonated ____, and found our places amongst the crowd. Shortly the entertainment started, mostly consisting of a performance by ____, who used to be sort of okay until they got ____ and sort of ____ up their own ____.
I surveyed the VIP area, where we weren't, and saw ____, ____, and most surprisingly ____, who looks to be much happier now that the ____ seems to have cleared up.
Eventually the modules appeared, resplendent in ____ with accessories that mostly looked like they'd been ____ from ____ and then dipped in the ___, which despite some unkind and badly-researched reminiscences was a really good decade.
The scrags ____ed and ___ed wildly, although one of them seemed to have misread the brief and was instead ____ing like her life depended on it. The afternoon really took shape when my friend Yassy pointed out that one girl's ____ seemed to be clearly visible, until she noticed and tucked it briskly back into her ____ as if nothing had happened.
We came away from the ____ with a couple of choice new nicknames for the modules, like ____y-Mc___-___ and ____-Hate-My-Life. There was definitely some excellent module potential there as well, though, particularly ____ and ____, the latter of whom was ____ing like her life depended on it.
All in all, it was a hugely enjoyable afternoon, even though the venue was hotter than a ___'s ____, with or without pubic hair.
For even more useful information, check out the promo on the official website, in which Saint Sarah Murdoch surrounds herself in crimson satin, Charlotte Dawson fans herself with a fat wad, Jez Smith doesn't show anywhere near as much of his chest as I'd like, and Shiny Alex Perry busts out his first "expensive". Oh, and the modules run through the mud, pull each others' hair and stack it face first, because this is the best show in the history of the Universe and I would like to kiss it right on the lips.
Stay tuned, as soon I'll be making snap judgements and grossly inaccurate predictions based purely on the girls' profile pictures and inane ramblings. Because I can. And also because I am a sad, bitter person with a distinct lack of hobbies and stupidly impressive buttocks.