(If you need some background to this, the love story of the ages, get it here. If you need anything else, I accept typed, double-spaced submissions or cheese)
After spending several months feeling unloved and abandoned by the questionably-literate digital masses, I’ve finally received another love note, from a wordy vixen named Elenna, via the wonder of electronic mail. The only drawback with electronic mail (apparently now known by kids as ‘e-mail’, though that’s unconfirmed) is that I don’t get to imagine what the letter-writer might have looked like slowly licking the envelope.
Anyway, it looks like Elenna wants to jump my bones (or possibly lick my envelope, but I’d really prefer to keep the euphemisms to a minimum). Elenna also seems to think I’m a man. Either way, I have a few comments about her email. I’ve inserted them below.
Oh, right. Sorry.
Subject: i want to say u hi
Aloha, my dear friend!
Aloha?! If you’re in Hawaii, can you send me one of those coconut bras? I want to try one on and walk into walls.
I am a calm lady who is very friendly.
You’re opening with the calm thing? That makes you sound… not.
I can easily meet people and I really like to understand people.
Do you understand that people don’t say ‘I want to say u hi’?
I do my best to look good and to improve my appearance. I like to dance and to work out in the gym. I love to cook and to read.
Wow. You’re either really busy or you’re unemployed. Are you going to just hang out at home while I support us both? Because I’m really not sure you understand me at all.
I like classic literature and psychology. I am very conversational and I spend a lot of time talking to friends.
Yeah, on the psychology front, do these friends have names? Or even bodies? And are their bodies all in the same shallow grave? It’s always the calm ones.
My man must be strong and sure of himself.
I’m two out of three on that front. I’m sure that’s fine.
Should be hard working and driven to success but know when to leave the office and come home and relax.
So ‘make me some money and then come home and boink me’ is pretty much the lay of the land, right? I’m not judging, I’m just going for clarity here.
Should be financially stable with no drinking, smoking, or gambling problems.
I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem. I don’t have a penis or dig chicks, though. Will that be a problem?
You need to know how to have some good old fun and be a good sport.
Old fun like shuffleboard? Old fun gathering around the wireless for some serialised whimsy? Old fun like rolling pensioners for their Kumfs?
Funny is a plus.
So is grammar and that.
You absolutely must be a romantic and not embarrassed to do something sweet and creative to show me how much you're feeling me.
I don’t embarrass easily, but this might be just the ticket. What, a graph?
I love someone who is not afraid to show affection in public but with good taste.
Boob-grope in Chanel. Gotcha.
Just know who you are, like who you are, and share that with me and we will have a wonderful time together sweetloveandhappiness.com/heartsinlove/
I haven’t clicked on Elenna’s link yet. I’m saving that for bathtime.