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Friday, January 22, 2010

Australia's Next Top Westie Scrag Series 6 - Audition Me, Baby.

On Saturday January 16th, auditions for Series 6 of Australia’s Next Top Model started at Westfield Parramatta.

This was excruciatingly exciting for me for two reasons:

1. Unless this is your first visit here, or you’ve been living under a rock made out of much, much more important and relevant things, I am spastically in lust with the entire Top Model franchise, and hope one day to marry it. Our babies will be tall and stupid and punch walls and get nose-bleeds. It will be excellent. Excellent and sexy.

2. For the first time, the Sydney cattle-call fell on a weekend rather than a weekday, so I was able to attend.

And attend, it’s fair to say, I did. In fact, I auditioned. I hauled my size ten-to-twelve, late-thirties, mildly-pleasant-looking-but-nothing-special arse out to Parramatta and lined up with hundreds of tiny wee gazelle-y things straight from either school or outer space.

The experience was very, very educational. Here’s what I learned:

· That Top Model auditions contain lots and lots of shoes I want, worn by people who don’t deserve them as much as I do.

· That if being looked up-and-down with judgement and disdain was chocolate, Westfield Parramatta is the Wonka family crypt.

· That the hilarity of desperate stage mothers never, ever gets old, unlike the stage mothers themselves.

· That given the right motivation, I can keep a straight face under any circumstances.

· That if my red boots and my moonwalk were both in a competition for The Best Thing Western Sydney Has Ever Seen Ever, it would be a tie.

Don’t take my word for it. TAKE A CURRENT AFFAIR’S WORD FOR IT. Because everybody knows that everything you see on A Current Affair is true. Except for that deluded bitch at the end of the clip. What a wanker.



PinkPatentMaryJanes said...

Top five? With all you've got going on it's top three fer sure... You truly are a brilliant, brave woman (who obviously made the Current Affair producers feel they'd struck deluded gold!)

shellity said...

When I spotted the person with the same genetic make-up as me, who I know better than anyone, on the telly, I thought, "HEY! I know those boots!"

Al said...

Oh gosh, you are freaking hilarious.

Jo for next top model!!

Anonymous said...

Wow! I really must say I applaud you for honking more time on television than any of those twelve year old twigs that went there by the thousands. And that comment about "...that..." plus the hand gesture was so classic Dominique cycle 10, it basically had me rolling all over the floor with laughter.
I will sacrifice a couple of goats to the dark lord to make sure you make it on the show, so you better pack your bags and practice that moonwalk ^^

CL said...

OMG u actually went for the auditions u r hilarious!!
u already won Miss Congeniality in my Next Top Model world..

Cactus Kate said...

God you are just SO there!!!

Judge next?

Dusk said...

You are just...dayam...just brilliant!!
...and I think you should donate those red boots to your fundraiser raffle...!! Those boots were made for hawking. Now that they're famous!
I too think ANTM should have you on as either a guest judge OR...a challenge. you think you can review So You Think You Can judge?? Show. Fab. Judges. Someone please. Put them out of my misery.

Jo said...

You're all a little bit tops.

And Dusk - I wish I could recap SYTYCD, but I'm kind of professionally connected to it in a round-about way, so it would probably be considered poor form.

Yes. I'm Bonnie Lithgow.

オテモヤン said...


kiki said...

^what he said... AWESOME!

Steph said...

Love, love, love, ANTM, I just downloaded (can I say that?) season 12 of the Yank version and I'm stockpiling chocolate and Vodka to sit down and watch it in one hit.

Love the boots, love the moonwalk, they made an error letting you get away!