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Monday, December 21, 2009

The Punchy Punchy Chronicles: Volume 8

Y’know, I thought that with Sonni gone, that there might be a distinct lack of personality in the Contender warehouse.


It's funny - normally I don't like people who have bigger boobs than me. Go figure.

The Philosophy Of Hitting Blokes And That.

• Daniel speaks for all of us when he says “As annoying as Sonni can be, and he can push your patience a little, I think some of the boys are starting to miss him already”. I couldn’t agree more. Also, Sonni – the boys down at the lock-up send hugs.

• Down at Bondi Beach, Garth describes the scenery as “Sun. Sand. Waves. And plenty of talent”. Dear Australian Tourism Commission: GARTH WOODS IS THE NEW LARA BINGLE. He’s also the new Rabs Warren, if his Oscar-worthy impersonation is anything to go by.

• Josh mucks around with the winner board, slotting the semi-finalists’ names into the spaces that he enshishes... envishash... envishered it. How he envishered it. Later, he talks about how his body shape has changed since starting on the Contender. “I used to be a skinny fat bloke before I come in, but now I’m sorta just a... a lean bloke”. The new edition of Daniel Amalm’s thesaurus clearly has a medical section.

• This week’s challenge is a Bondi surf-lifesaving styled flag race, in which the lads have to lie down (perfect so far), wait for a whistle, and then bolt to grab a flag that’s been poked in the sand (haven’t we all). There are not enough flags to go ‘round, so it’s a lot like musical chairs, but with a lot more gusset-grit.

• Kariz has a wee head-first stack in the sand, and Josh describes the event as being the highlight of his year. My highlight of the year is the phrase “When he come up, he looked like a lamington”. Mind you, if all lamingtons looked like Kariz, my local primary school could sell them door-to-door and buy themselves a small European country.

• The winner of the challenge is Charlotte Dawson’s clearly-visible undergarment. And also Garth.


• These boxing boys sure love their cosmetic surgery. Victor’s eye-lift is healing quite well, to be honest. Worried about the leeches, though.

• Sometimes, girls wear padded bras to make their boobs look bigger. See that’s what padding does. For this reason, I am renaming Daniel’s protective gear here ‘The Robo-Penis’.

• The call-out, where the boxers stand toe-to-toe and try to stare down their opponents, is a critical, tense time. It’s important to look as ruthless, tough and hardcore as possible. Or perhaps like a Halal Hugh Hefner. Your choice, Nader.

Noblest. Pyjamas. Ever.

• Remember when Naomi Campbell stacked on the catwalk? Don’t lie, boxing readers, you do so. I know you lap up fashion industry faux-pas like they’re carbs before a spar. Well, this clip is EXACTLY like that. We’re not just talking like we’re drunk anymore. Oh, and PS: Studio 54 wants their mirror-ball back.

The Ladies And Offspring Of The Ring.

“Fucking knock ‘im out, darl” is the best thing any wife, life-partner, mother or offspring has shouted into the ring all series. Thank you Josh’s missus. You have raised the bar.

KOs and OKs

• Does anyone else just want to spend the rest of their lives down the pub with Josh? Nader (quite nobly, to be honest) calls Josh a ‘no frills guy’, which is possibly the understatement of the year. The other boys read the newspaper. Josh reads the catalogue insert. For some reason, this is the most endearing thing I’ve ever seen in a current-affairs-related context, and I’m even including the puppy-trapped-down-a-drain stories after the weather report. The Joshy lopsided grin is like a little ray of bogan sunshine. Awwww.

• Kariz, as shown in the challenge, you are a dirty, stinking cheat. Now come here for a spanking.

• During the call-out, after a long period of staring into each other’s eyes, Daniel puckers up and blows Josh a kiss. My dream of some stand-off man-love with tongue inches ever closer. I’m buying new scented candles and a Kenny G CD just in case.

• If Aussie Joe Bugner were a bottle of cabernet sauvignon, his label would be Batshit Crazy Estate. Victor arm-wrestles the bottle of cabernet sauvignon and wins. Yeah. Metaphor kind of lost its oomph halfway through, huh.

Punchy Punchy.

Okay, so Daniel’s motto is in Gaelic, and it means “fortune follows the brave”.
Josh’s motto is in Bogan, and it means “I haven’t had to worry about me pub”.
This is important.

DING DING and the punchy punchy starts. Punching, tentative cuddles, dancing, cheeky grins, sweat, winks, claret and dribble flash past in a blur of awesome abs and (depending on who you're looking at) comparatively less magnificent man-boobs, and in no time it’s been five rounds, a fair bit of swearing, and the fight’s over.

Daniel puts up a decent fight, but in the end, the guy whose motto alludes to beer consumption wins. JUST LIKE LIFE.

Bye, Daniel. Thank you for the true privilege of seeing you without your shirt on.



Yasbean said...

Josh is my new favourite bogan

sassy said...

“When he come up, he looked like a lamington”.


Your Everyday Sports Fan said...

Halal Hugh Hefner...hands down the fastest I have ever reverse sneezed my lunch from laughter. Priceless! Thanks

Anonymous said...

I've been reading this blog since the start of the Contender, and even dropped in on Shebangabang.

But you've just made my Xmas by linking my youtube upload of Paul Briggs.

I send countless adulations your way but don't want to make you big headed, I'll just say you make an ol er young cynic laugh. Great writing.