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Friday, February 15, 2008

Workplace Toilet Mathematics

As previously posted at Snarkeology, which now sleeps the sleep of fairy-tale princesses and dormant volcanoes. I'm not lazy. I'm just drawn that way.

Door closed + feet present + minimal movement + no noise = workmate disturbed mid-poo, is clenching buttocks and willing you to leave immediately.

Door open + stall vacant + lid closed + can of air-freshener present + thinly disguised odour of beef = toilet recently pooed in, smears present.

Door closed + one foot present + sound of crackling plastic wrapper = workmate has period

Door closed + soles of shoes visible + groaning + retching + sound of can of chickpeas being emptied into bowl = workmate has food poisoning or bulimia.

Door open + stall vacant + receipt from Target present + discarded tag from new underwear on floor = workmate is dirty stop-out.

Door open + lid closed + traces of white powder present + no recent evidence of bowl or paper use = you work in an advertising agency or record company.

Door closed + four feet present + underwear visible + grunting audible = office Christmas party currently underway.

Door closed + two feet present + sound of box being opened + sound of urination followed two to five minutes later by word "Fuck!" = workmate is pregnant.

Door open or closed + two or more females present + tears + word "bastard" audible = Chad from marketing is the father.


Bonnie said...

Thanx for the laugh! So true....

PetStarr said...

I've often wondered what your choice of toilet stall says about you, and I have long been perturbed at the seeming lack of internet/facebook quizzes/applications on the topic. I have a feeling that consistently choosing the centre stall says something about a person. BUT WHAT??